Lucid dreams

Lucid dreams abduct the veneer
For there are things worse than death
When in your restless mind, escape isn’t near
Illusion paralyzes and reality takes its breath
And they were parked parallel
in my diagonal universe
Looking for souls to sell
to the non comprehending seekers
Coaxing me to surrender
And taste something so sweet, it digests to sour
Touching me so tender
Unfortunately it didn’t last more than an hour
But lucid dreams allow absolution
They are but dreams, with high embracing frequency.

Once again I am flawwless, I can sink in your words, so soft an mellow yet so complicated they are

poetic reply

I know...

politicaltinkerbell wrote:and they were parked parallel
in my diagonal universe

Wow! I was totally stunned. This was particularly good, and congrats! Keep writing!

I had a lucid dream last night ^_^.


Anyways, loving the poem. Not much I can say (although I'd be the first to admit that I can't crit poetry ).

Some wonderful phrases here, but the style and structure of the poem needs to be more cohesive and determined. It wanders about so randomly... to make the poem lucid you need to construct it as a whole better.

Rated G.

Griffinkeeper wrote:Rated G.

Elaborate?

BFG wrote:Some wonderful phrases here, but the style and structure of the poem needs to be more cohesive and determined. It wanders about so randomly... to make the poem lucid you need to construct it as a whole better.

yes. you spoke exactly what my mind was thinking. I wrote this a while ago and I think it's been atleast 4 months since i've been here. And I decided to read my poepms, I was thinking the same thing. Maybe I will look into it, and edit. if not i'll use your advice for future work

Ah, I love this one. Okay, so there are a lot of parts which I don't understand so well, but that tends to be the way with me and poetry, or at least good poetry.

I especially like this line:

Illusion paralyzes and reality takes its breath

This ends well too, which I like. It's not one of those poems which looks only half finished.

The only part which I'm not too sure of is this:

Unfortunately it didn’t last more than an hour

Only because it seems to change the tone there, not necessarily a bad thing, just something I noticed.

Good luck writing more, and I'll make sure I look out for your stuff.

Kay

politicaltinkerbell--


This is way over-the-top with its larger-than-life "diagonal universes" and "souls to sell." Trying to be profound rarely coincides with actually being profound.

As for the rest of this: well, the poem says nothing we don't already know about lucid dreaming. It reduces to long-winded definition that really doesn't generate interest on the part of the reader.


Better luck next time,
Brad