Medicated happiness

The coming of the new day: the Rapture
to our fragile state of mind.
A faith so compromised,
we write our own prophetic verses;
cryptic scratches in our journals—
amounting in our weekly tithing
of self denial.

Our daily dose of realism;
we see through deities’ eyes
of carefully measured granules
of medicated happiness.

We offer up our sacrificial cheques
upon the altar of insurance agencies;
a weekly attempt to appease our god,
the shrink.

And at the final stumble of the day,
we slink into our shrines:
to self-medicate in prayer
and lick the venom
from our festered wounds.

This is very good quality writing.

I like your imagery and metaphors - they're used efficiently and appropriately. It adds another dimension to what could be (in the hands of a different writer) a sort of boring poem. This isn't though.

I also like how everything is presented: the line breaks, the puctuation, the stanza breaks - stuff like that. It's aesthtically pleasing, which isn't so important in fiction, but is in poetry.

My only suggestion (if you want to call it that) is that 'alter ' is spelled 'altar' in this circumstance. Other than that, I like it how it is.

Good job!

Cameron,


The link between the medications and the ending is not working for me. L1 and L2 should be abandoned at all costs: the reference to religion is not sustained throughout the peice and consequently seems forced and uninteresting (as does most of the rest of this because of the preachy voice you have chosen).

I doubt if any attempt to salvage this can begin without a fresh sheet of paper.


Best,
Brad

I can understand your issue with the link between the medications and the ending, I will work on that. However, religious references are found throughout the entire poem, as you can see:

The coming of the new day: the Rapture
to our fragile state of mind.
A faith so compromised,
we write our own prophetic verses;
cryptic scratches in our journals—
amounting in our weekly tithing
of self denial.

Our daily dose of realism;
we see through kaleidoscope eyes
of carefully measured granules
of medicated happiness.

We offer up our sacrificial cheques
upon the altar of insurance agencies;
a weekly attempt to appease our god—
the shrink.

And at the final stumble of the day,
we slink into our shrines:
to self-medicate in prayer
and lick the venom
from our festered wounds.

The tone is anything but preachy. Maybe sarcastic, or mocking, but it is the farthest thing from preachy. Perhaps you could suggest an alternate ending? Cheers,

Cameron

Cameron--


While I see the religious theme, I still don't see how this has moved beyond the standard use of religion in poems critiquing/poking-fun-at society.

I think the problem here is that you are too forthcoming for the material you are trying to present. You have quite obviously pointed to our reverence for medical doctors, and also quite obviously to the similar reverence some have for religion. However, I don't see how religious persons are more inclined to be more reverent for medical doctors, or vice-versa. If your intent was only to bring out the similarity of reverence, you could have said it in one line.

For me, it fails at this most fundamental level. Either you should be more clever with the medical imagery, or more clever with the religious imagery--mask/subtext whichever one you don't choose into the one you do.

It will require a fresh sheet of paper, but when you get through that, you ought to have something worth talking about.


Best,
Brad

I have to say, I agree with Incan after reading over the poem... The religious theme seems almost forced into the poem, rather than a cute touch that it could have been put into.

I don't read much poetry, nor do I write a lot, but from a general standpoint, I don't really think you've done anything by connecting the medication and the religion. If you would have shown a religious devotion to the medication, or something of the like, I think I would have liked it better. But to me the religion seems to be thrown in there just for the added touch, for the look. And even then it doesn't come off that good.

I agree with Incan, it could be something good if you started again. Maybe try with more of a plan for what you want the reader to feel/think. Do you want the religious side, or the medical side? And if its both, combine them like harmony, one strong at some points while the other still visible but weaker. I think then it would make a nice poem.

And this isn't to simply agree with Incan, I had my own opinions about it I like the idea you have for it, the combination of the two, I just don't think you did it very well, or at the least, could do it better with a fresh start and some encouragement.

Edit: Sorry this is so long! I noticed one other thing. Your title, if you want the religiousness in it, perhaps that should be mentioned? Like 'medicated holiness' rather than happiness. That would help to integrate the religious theme.