Saint Valentine's Day Massacre

Aye, well. Criticism appreciated; I like the idea on this one, want to make it as good as possible.


SAINT VALENTINE'S DAY MASSACRE

Today I am the terrorist of love,
and I wage a war amongst Hallmark cards
and exploding bottles of perfumed scent;
every second toe-to-toe with the enemy,
no man's land left to the scars and shell holes
of week after week huddled in trenches,
spent praying for invisibility,
agonising over the call to charge
which blows a thousand times and never comes.

Do you understand your heroism?
That need for glory burning in your gut
like fire, incense and tracer bullets
unfolding bizarrely against your ribs
and driving you onward, onward, higher
till the rockets leave you shell-shocked and cold,
flat on your back amidst the mud and rain.

Speak no more of fire; O, say you'll speak no more.

We measure out our days in postcard stamps,
sent winging in from Paris or Madrid;
Sealed With A Loving Kiss, sent second class
and spun to make the sentences sound new.
'I miss you, love you, see you soon'; adieu!

With business trips and hotel rooms and guilt
we fight our wars, and timidly appease
our foes from flower stores and chocolate shops;
from every wall and card our Captain stares,
exhorting further misery and light;
good old Saint Valentine, master of spin,
reinvents Goebbels with arrows and wings.

I liked it, didnt grasp it in its entirety methinks but yeah, I liked it. Not entirely helpful I know.

Sealed With A Loving Kiss

That confused the hell outta me, what with the mixture of italics and nomral letters that had no added effect I could see, other then provoking a murderous confusion.

When soldiers in WW2 sent letters back to their families, they didn't always have much room to write, so they used abbreviations that became common; "S.W.A.L.K." was one such, standing for "Sealed With A Loving Kiss", obviously, though myth has it it originated with "Soldiers Will Always Love The King".

Either way, it's the war/letter/love connection that runs through the whole poem.

Thanks for your comment!

I didn't get that bit either, when I read it for the first time, but now I understand it.

Thanks

RR*

backgroundbob--


I'm impressed. Overall this is fine work in concept and execution.

But.

I feel that you have many instances of clumsiness--for instance, the first line. The title already gives this bit away--to what end does it work, other than to offset the reader? S4 is also unworthy of revision; cut it out and work from there.

Reconsider replacing the very forced directness of "I" and "you" to perhaps "I" and "she", or the like. With "you," the poem reads more like a lecture than a loveletter.

If by the end of the poem a reader has not drawn the conclusion that this has relation to war&loveletters, it won't be your fault.


Best,
Brad

I like this. The only problem I have is with this:

Do you understand your heroism?
That need for glory burning in your gut
like fire, incense and tracer bullets
unfolding bizarrely against your ribs
and driving you onward, onward, higher
till the rockets leave you shell-shocked and cold,
flat on your back amidst the mud and rain.

While one can obviously see its correlation to the poem, I feel as though it wanders from the theme. While there is of course references to war in the other stanzas, I find that this one is simply war with no underlying theme of love. I think you should either remove it, or make it more relevant to the love aspect of the poem.

It's connected all the way through, you just have to look a little deeper it's there, believe me; I wrote it first with love in mind, then war.

I was in a rush . I see the symbology now. However, I still maintain that while the correlation there is evident, that stanza's parallel with love is abstract, where as the others are more palpable. I think that's why it stood out as "unbelonging"--because with the rest of poem the love factor is discernible right from the surface. Anyways, having said that, I do not believe that it is a major detriment to the poem's overall quality and is not in dire need of removing. Cheers,

Cameron

That's cool; you rock either way.

And I was finally worthy of a critique from Brad! Truly I have made it...

Anyway thanks to everyone for your input; it will be well implemented (I hope).

This is EXCELLENT. Love the imagery and theme. The idea was GREAT and I must say, HILARIOUS. Somebody had to do it eventually, and since you did it, you get the cookie!

*send cookie via email*

I'll be back with a full, real critique later.

Thanks sab - I also owe you an indepth critique that you asked for, of which I have about half writte. I wanted to give it a good going over, but I'm afraid I've struggled slightly. I will get to it promise.