New Poem (be afraid, be very afraid!)

I actually wrote 2 last night... here's one, can't find the other one!

[Peculiarities]

It's funny how
People set themselves apart
Like how I throw my hands away
From my saxophone
For that perfect C sharp
Or how the math teacher
Mumbles to herself
When she writes on the overhead
It's funny how
You always say "Oh god oh crap" for the littlest things
like dropping your pencil
Or how Kalin
Writes 'I heart Grampa Bob' on every page
Of her math notes
And of course Mckenna
Who seems to perfect the hissy-spitty screech/growl thing
To scare boys away (it works)
Everyone has little
Habits
Pet peeves
Peculiarities.

*I talk to someone else in every poem I write. The other one wasn't apparent, so I don't remember who...this is to a guy in my keyboarding class for some reason. I actually like this one...must be bad.*[/u]

Ever notice how
That one snowflake
Or leaf
Floating in space
That you focus on
Always seems to dance for you?
Show off?
Boast?
It twirls and twists like and Olympic diver
Off the high board
It's like that 15-minute guitar solo
The underpaid, underacknowledged rocker gives
It's their only chance to shine.

*K this one's not as good...*

This is a redundantly obsessive poem about the people in your life. Instead of having an unbridled sense of childhood, I'd like to see something showing me a reserved sense of adulthood or coming-of-age. As much crap as I throw at the writers whose poems deal with suicide and parents smothering them, I think it's better than this. At least they're making an attempt to show some maturity, and realizing when you're being squelched is a major part of that.

For the most part, I found this to be a very unlikeable poem. While you personify it and give it the special "me" touch to it, the last lines ruined everything. The point in poetry is to have a riddle that people sovle for themselves.

You don't say, "I got a new dog. His name is Dog. Guess what his name is?" You make the person guess. Likewise, your poetry should make us guess about the meaning it has on us. Don't tell us it's meaning or impact on us because you don't know. So take out "Everyone has little/Habits/Pet peeves/Peculiarities." Another thing, I don't like poems whose title is the last word of the poem. It somehow detracts from the poems overall effect on its reader. I really wish you would have done something else for the title. It does fit the poem, so if you like the title, change the poem. Particularly the last few lines. And uh... no disclaimers, please. If we can't figure it out based on the poem, then you haven't done your job. So, if you find yourself in need of a disclaimer explaining your poem, I suggest you go back and definitely revise it to the point where you feel confident we can understand its meaning. This may be difficult, but I think you can do it.

----Second Post----

I disliked this one even more so. You described a falling leaf like any other person. You added a small metaphor, (that was the best part of the poem, the underpaid rocker, that is) but let the rest of poem collapse into cliches and utter nonsense.

*so hurtful* jk anyway, thanks, I'll go over them!

All right, first off...ouch incandensence...just...ouch. It wasn't that bad. Admittedly, she did hae a few cliches, and the end did kind of take away the mystique, but she ruined the mystique well. She used slanted rhyme easily without forcing it, and the basic fundamentals of the piece were all right...at least the first one. The second...yea...it was boring to say the least. I can't argue the bluntness on that one.

that's OK...these seriously need work, I know that.

This is an embarassment to the writing culture.
I beg of you--just...don't show this to anyone.

Hey, hey, hey CAG77, they're not that bad. I mean, she wrote them in one night and apologized for them, she admitted they need work. You're just disencouraging her to not write them. Just so you know, a rule in the YWS Rules is that fellow writers will try to improve others writing, and not disencouraging them, and this can lead to banning.

Yeah, I must admit, they were pretty bad...sorry. But they did tell a good story, and the metaphors that you used for the second one were really good.

I was in a terribly bad mood when I posted that--sorry if it came across as being harsh. Sorry...but I guess it was an okay poem.

*whew* I don't care. It's not like I actually would show these to anyone! *lol* I guess my age really shows....

Their O.K, but I wouldn't give them high marks. I to don't want to be harsh, but they were pretty bad.
You've got poteintal though!

For your age it was ...err...pretty good. Yes it does need work, but it has poteintal. Don't listen to the person who said it was bad. Keep writing!


Auhbrei