Secret Storm by Mark Worger

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Hmm...another good piece of work.
I hardly have anything in ur poem to criticize about.
They(ur poems) are wonderful.
Good job.

Worgs,


There's a wonderful sentiment behind this, and I think we've all shared it at some point. The problem is that the poem as it stands is simply far too slight to elicit more than recognition. That's equivalent to failure. I often wonder what drives a poet to favor form to content.


All the best,
Brad

Thanks, Brad, for the feedback. We've all shared this at some point? I certainly haven't and I doubt many our age have. It's an observation written about someone else in the middle of a three year battle against depression - someone who has had their whole life stripped away, and publicly too. I've tried to capture a bit of that reality from what I've seen externally first hand. That's why it's hard to let the reader inside the poem -you're not meant to be in there. This might make it a bad poem though. Any ideas about how to retain this aspect but improve the poem?

I think though that, in light of the above, for you this will just be another poem about a tragic soul we don't give a damn about, but again these are my failings as a writer not yours as a reader.

Nice one, Mark

worgs--


Yes.

First, that you do not feel like this is something we have all suffered is an issue I already adressed in my first comment (the piece is too slight, it does not show us enough of anything for it to be a meaningful encounter, and thus we are left with a mere recognition, a nod to a passing form of depression, which surely most everyone has had a bout of).

Second, if I am not meant to be in the poem, to "get it," then don't waste our time posting it. You can demonstrate in the content that we aren't supposed to "get it," and from that, we should "get it" that we aren't supposed to--there is no reason, ever, to shut your readers in the closet.

What you want to do with this is totally up to you. In my mind, there is no question: grab a clean sheet of paper and try again. I do not see anything here worth retaining.


All the best,
Brad

Brad,

Not "get it", but be inside it, there is an important difference. Other than that point taken. Cheers, Mark

Hmm. I definitely understood it, and enjoyed reading it, but as for it being original -- not really. It's the kind of general I'm-feeling-depressed angst poem, using the storm metaphor.

Now, if you expanded it, perhaps, and drew on some new images from within yourself, instead of recycling old ideas, there could be something potentially better here.

That said, it was still well-written.

I like the poem
Nice use of metaphors
On an ocean of unhappiness.
From thunderous clouds of guilt and shame,
Falls a relentless helplessness,
I like that above bit
Charlotte
xx