^- -^

The Whore
-Slick Jimmy

My body is riddled with
reminders of your kisses.
memories of the depths
of your unknown passion.
Replacing my love
with a desire to hate.

I hate that.

You never remain in thought
but every two weeks.
when I visit your kiss.
It is a tired thing
to be a whore.
Rest your weary head
in my arm. I will remember you.

Always there on my arm.
The guilt. The shame. The passion.
The unknown passion.
It is a heavy weight on my arm.
Too much to bear
Why do I love you.

SlickJimmy--


This is junk.

The fact that it attempts to be self-reflective but suffers enjambment issues is enough to identify this as beginner's work. The "alas, poor me--why do I love you?" theme generates no interest. The shift from a physical body and impressions to a cliched mental/spiritual body and impressions upon you is clumsy.

Throw this out. It has nothing to offer the reader.

Now, I'm not saying you should stop writing. I'm saying you should stop posting junk like this piece for an audience.

One way to improve is by undertaking organized study. See if you can find a copy of a basic book on the craft of poetry, such as "A Poetry Handbook" by Mary Oliver or "The Poet's Companion" by Addonizio and Laux. Study them.

You will not improve by posting material at this level and receiving comments such as "I liked this phrase" or "these words are interesting."

And, to emphasize, no, you don't need to work harder on this. You need to throw it out and start over.


All the best,
Brad

PS.


Another suggestion, which you can ignore, is to try and write your next couple of poems without using 'I' or 'me'. The use of the first person does seem to encourage self-pity, and tremulous over-sensibility about how hard done by the narrator is, and how s/he suffers dreadfully from depression, unrequited love, confusion etc. etc.

I wish you the best of success with your writing, but do take this opportunity of stepping back from your work, and realising that striking an oh-so-sensitive attitude (limp hand to forehead) just isn't enough to produce a good poem. It's going to take a lot of thought and hard work, I'm afraid.

Your right, I do have to move away from the self loathing phase I am in.

I am so stupid. I should have never posted this. It is crap. I suck. *slick jimmy frowns*

I do not know what is wrong with me. i will def buy that book. Then I am going to change my entire outlook on life. You will see. My next piece is going to ROCK! No more "I hate me" from slick jimmy.

thanks ican. Hey, thats pretty cool, ican, as in I can.

*slick jimmy says I CAN, I CAN buy the book and read it*

p.s. there is NO mocking in this post, seriously. I completely agree with you. as does my therapist. thanks. (well, maybe the ican ican part was a little bit of a mock, but thats it)

I think you need to take this piece to your therapist. There might be something underlying that you and your therapist need to unearth and discuss. And i'm not being a smartass, i'm being serious.