Remix of an older poem

amazing
*clapping my hands until they hurt.*
Real good.... like the emotion.... deep

This Remix is definately good.

With lots of emotions and feelings it worked well.

and I could sort of tell
from the brush you gave
your shoulder that this
was only temporary

Unclear

Incandescence wrote:and I could sort of tell
from the brush you gave
your shoulder that this
was only temporary.

I agree with xanthum gum on this. It kind of needs a 'with' between gave and your, but that doesn't sound right, with how everything else is written.

Incandescence wrote:Glances from the side
cast your shame in moonlit colors,
and despite earphones blaring music
around my head to quell
the rising pain within my chest

There should be a full stop instead of the comma. Otherwise it feels too long a sentence.

I really liked parts of this. For example the last four lines to close are monumental. The biggest problem I have is it’s setting in the larger scheme of things and what that does to my reading experience.

What some call ‘local’ writing, that is, writing about actions, describing things, can be very powerful. For example your last four lines: “you laid your hands across my lap, / whispered affectations…”. Likewise ‘Global’ writing, that is, writing about themes larger than ourselves, more obviously alluding to themes of the world such as death etc., can be equally powerful. For example, “That even in our ashes / we will touch the earth / like raindrops to the ocean”. Using both techniques is perhaps more powerful - as such one has a lens which focuses in on the specific (local) and draws out to the general (global). It gives poetry of this sort an intensity and resonance. However, the focusing in and out for me needs to be done intentionally, with affect.

You begin in the global setting in the first stanza and then fall into local setting for the rest of the poem. This makes it rather disjointed for me. It reminds me that I’m reading a poem and detaches me from the emotive subject and language that would otherwise provoke such a strong reaction. It happens again in the last stanza with the term “moonlit colours”. You want to draw me into your world of sitting there with your headphones on, music blaring, heart aching and unable to forget, but you remind me (unintentionally I think) that I am not there and that the world is bigger.

The global writing is good (as exampled above) but seems to appear by accident. Either make it an intentional or leave it for another piece. It takes away from what is otherwise a moving piece.

Best,

Mark

Lexy,


I'm glad you enjoyed it.




Ani,


Same to you.




xanthan_gum,


I understand that it is confusing, but I do not know that I agree with "unclear." To brush one's shoulder is not a hard concept, in my mind. Let me know.




uniaeca,


Thanks for your comments. For the issue xanthan_gum had, I can only refer you to my comment to her. Grammatically and with respect to the flow, I don't think a full stop would do the last strophe justice. I'll keep it in mind in future version.




worgs,


The global/local differences in the poem are by no means by chance. If you'll notice, what you've called local in the last four lines is really quite global. Indeed, I prefer to show the global through the local itself; this may be where confusion is coming from. I would not be willing to go so far as to say the first stanza is entirely global--just because a certain part that is global you found moving does not make the entire thing global. Still, you as a reader are far more in-tune with my writing than I can ever be.



Thanks all for taking the time to read & respond,
Brad

Yeah man, point taken. Not sure it quite works for me here, but it's not far off - that's the beauty of subjectivity I guess! Cheers, Mark