I otta out u - subtitled "400 Words"

I otta out u (400 words)
-SlickJimmy

A roll of the tongue
And twist of the mind
Unbearable prose
Seems so unkind

My struggle is great
To complete your thought
When such simpler things
To me should be brought

And if so not, then for shame say I,
for I say for shame, for shame shall be why.

Mine own attempt is…
Well, let me just say
Awesome and super
‘N duper NO WAIT!

Even more swell than…
Um. Football no doubt!
When it is complete
Then bring me my stout.

And if so not, then for shame say I,
for I say for shame, for shame shall be why.

Learn ye a rule of
Circumstance be true
Listen to others
And soon you’ll be you.

And if it were you
Should want to be I
Perceptive it is
And all fall in line.

And if so not, then for shame say I,
for I say for shame, for shame shall be why.

I'm guessing this is parody. But the subject og the parody is vague, other than poorly written poetry. I did like your jumbled syntax. That was amusing.

well i like your poem it is good but the thing about me is i dont like to ryme it just throws me off. i just need help in way of placing words i will send u a couple of poems and u tell me what i should do or if it is good or any thin but i wanna know by a nother poet if they r good before i post 'em.

SlickJimmy, I don't really know what to say about this. Most of the rhyming is forced and none of it really makes sense.

And if so not, then for shame say I,
for I say for shame, for shame shall be why.

This part is a real tongue-twister. I don't understand what it means at all.

Even more swell than…
Um. Football no doubt!
When it is complete
Then bring me my stout.

This seemed particularly forced. You should use rhyme to help your poem flow, but it should feel natural. Don't rhyme just to rhyme and lose all the meaning of the poem.

There are more sections like these, but I'm not going to quote all of them. My advice is to scrap this poem and try again.

Greetings SlickJimmy,


I hope you are finding the Young Writers Society a helpful and informative place.

I am instantly put off by the leek speak in the title.

The rest is a mishappen bricolage that would be best deposited while wearing latex gloves. I hope your future endeavours are more soberly executed.


All the best,
Brad

Gotta agree with Incan. Except for one thing: Leek Speak

But yeah, the leet speak in the title makes me want to rain down all sorts of pain on this before I even read it.

If this is the intended effect though...