Aleana

She runs though the sky, tired but determined. As though free of the world she forgets the suffering and pain she has enflicted upon her own town and family. The love she lost no longer haunts her its almost as though a cloak of assurance is protecting her from her own agony. She stops to breathe and thunder claps in the distance. She laughes as rain discharges from the sky. Now drenched, realtiy returns and her serenity disappears as she remembers whats is to become of her if she dose not complete her task.

She runs though the sky, tired but determined.

Who?

As though free of the world she forgets the suffering and pain she has [s]e[/s]inflicted upon her [s]own[/s] town and family.

Is she free from the world, or not?

The love she lost no longer haunts her . [s]i[/s]Its almost as though a cloak of assurance is protecting her from her own agony.

Stop being so vague! Almost this, as though that, we need something sound. It's like watching something you have no connection to. Where is our connection?

She stops to breathe and thunder claps in the distance.

I think "as thunder sounded in the distance" would be more dramatic. The thunder is making noise, not giving an ovation!

She laugh[s]e[/s]s as rain discharges from the sky.

Instead of discharges, how about "falls."

Now drenched, [s]realtiy[/s] reality returns. [s]and h[/s] Her serenity disappears as she remembers what[s]s is[/s] will [s]to[/s] become of her if she [s]dose[/s]does not complete her task.

I thought there were some interesting visual elements in the story, but they were expressed inefficently. By referring to an unknown person, "She" you avoid using a particular character.

If this is to be your character, say so. Give your character a name, or at least give your character a noun like attachment. The woman is better than "She," since she is a pronoun. Pronouns are used to refer to a predefined noun.

"I hate walnuts," Alice said.

"Why?" I asked.

"They tried to eat me once," she said.

Because you didn't create a character, I was left with nothing notable at the end of the piece. "Well," I thought, "this task thing is all well and good, but why should I care?" This wasn't answered satisfactorily.

armonia wrote:She runs though the sky, tired but determined. As though free of the world she forgets the suffering and pain she has enflicted upon her own town and family. The love she lost no longer haunts her its almost as though a cloak of assurance is protecting her from her own agony. She stops to breathe and thunder claps in the distance. She laughes as rain discharges from the sky. Now drenched, realtiy returns and her serenity disappears as she remembers whats is to become of her if she dose not complete her task.

It is terribly brief, and so of course, there's not necassarily much to go on, one way or the other. I shall disagree with Grif - 'she' need not be characterless, even if nameless. You do tell something of her. For example -

She runs though the sky, tired but determined

That's not to mention the title of the short seems to be a name. ^_^

Again, it's a paragraph. There's not development in plotline, not character epiphanies. ^_^

But you have a quick sense for giving an impression.

She runs though the sky, tired but determined. As though free of the world she forgets the suffering and pain she has enflicted upon her own town and family.

'Inflicted' rather than 'en'. A good introduction to some of the girl's past, bur for brevity, it leaves the reader at a bit of loss. Suffering she inflicted? Lots of good questions there - who is she that she had the power to leave something disasterous over town and family? Was it inadvertant? Did she have siblings? Or someone she loved - sans platonic ties?

The love she lost no longer haunts her its almost as though a cloak of assurance is protecting her from her own agony.

This should either be two sentences (broken at 'her' and 'it's') or have a semi-colon interjected. So --

The love she lost no longer haunts her; it's (apostrophe inserted in 'it's' - not possessive)almost as though a cloak of assurance is protecting her from her own agony.

She stops to breathe and thunder claps in the distance. She laughes as rain discharges from the sky.

The contrast of laughing under thunder is rather stark - good for that. It would likely come more so if we knew where. Is she - in truth - in the sky? Walking? Flying?

Now drenched, realtiy returns and her serenity disappears as she remembers whats is to become of her if she dose not complete her task

Typo - 'reality'. It is an apt end to catch attention. ^_^ Of course - what task?

And so here, you've got a conflict, some character and - it seems - a clear sense of this scene at least. But it has enough material and implication to be drawn out a lot longer; and I think it would be worth the drawing out.

Always ask questions as you write. As readers, we ought to be asking question - as you leave some things untold; it keeps mystery and room for development. But if you leave it all open, there are only questions...and not much else. ^_^

I would like to see you expand it. I'd read it, certainly.


IMP