A Heathenly Respite(FDWC)

This is only half of the story, the rest will be coming tommorow I suppose.

A Heathenly Respite

You'd have heard or will hear that Pagans are barbaric and crude, commiting acts of utter revulsion at every turn; and perhaps that they are servants of the Serpent incarnate. This is the talk of ignorance. Let me then tell you a tale, a very true one indeed, of how a certain man, I, who had heard such tales, turned to the reverence of the ancient deities and spirits that ruled our forebear's lives.



I had been walking through a heath for most of the day. Now, as the darkness over it was deepening, and the chill that accompanies it was settling in, I decided to rest. As I lay there, in that place that gave heathens their names, and watched the stars that slowly, but surely, came to life on the black canvas that is the night sky, I wondered what I was doing there, of all places. It seemed as if I had been walking across that heath forever, nor could I remember anything before that. It should have troubled me, but laying there atop the soft heather and watching the candles of the firmament flickering, moved as if by some cosmic wind or breath of heavenly beings, it did not. I was at peace in the serene place, seemingly untouched by anything but myself, if not even by the forces of nature. Nothing else entered my mind, and the last thing I remembered before dozing off were the stars.
I awoke the next morning feeling refreshed, indeed as if I had been taking a bath in roses. Subsequently, I felt I could walk all day, and well into the night, again. But to where? My mind began filling with troubling thoughts, again. I pushed them aside. "Ignorance is bliss", it's said, and I was taking it to heart-I would let nothing ruin this relaxing, and refreshing venture, despite the fact I had no course. Or did I? I continued my trek, filling my mind with my surroundings, so as to keep it from troubling me with other thoughts. The day went by much as it had the previous: a cloudless, balmy day; myriads of purple plants swaying in the fresh breeze as I plodded on by and beside them. The only difference being that now a forest lay on the border of my sights as I stopped to rest for the evening.

Since it's only a beginning, I can't say much about it. It did catch my attention. I'll probably check it out once you've posted the whole thing.

Interesting; certainly well-written. I'm not a big fan of fantasy, however, so it takes one heck of a fantasy story to impress me. High fantasy (I think that's the right term), that is. Light fantasy is more my cup of tea.

Having said that, I think my biggest problem with fantasy is that I can't pronounce enough of the names, too much feels contrived, and there's too much tell and not enough show. So if you want to win me, I'm gonna have to see dialogue.

So! Some nitpicks:

You'd have or will hear tell that Pagans are barbaric and crude. Commiting acts of utter revulsion at every turn, and perhaps that they are servants of the Serpent incarnate.

I think these sentences could be worded better. You'd obviously needs to be changed to You, but I think that "tell" could also be omitted. It makes it feel a bit too wordy. In the second sentence, the beginning feels like a fragment. You might consider changing it to something like, They commit such acts of utter revulsion at every turn that they must be servants of the Serpent incarnate. (cool description, by the way)

Let me then tell you a tale, a very true one indeed, of how a certain man, I, who had heard such tales, turned to the reverence of the ancient deities and spirits that ruled our forebear's lives.

Kind of a long sentence, but I won't hack it to pieces. The word forebear's is what's getting me here. It feels off. It seems like it should be forebearers, but then I don't think that's a word. Could you just go with good ol' 'ancestors' or something similar?

Now, as the darkness over it was deepening, and the chill that accompanies it was settling in, I decided to rest.

I'd eliminate the 'now.'

As I lay there, in that place that gave heathens their names,

Whatta whatta? Maybe this is just my unfamiliarity with your subject matter, but where do heathens get their names?

and watched the stars that slowly, but surely, came to life on the black canvas that is the night sky, I wondered what I was doing there, of all places.

Kill the "but surely." Slowly but surely is a cliche, though one I'm quite guilty of myself.

It seemed as if I had been walking across that heath forever, nor could I remember anything before that.

I would cut the 'nor' and add in a semi-colon. The nor doesn't flow; there's no neither to complete the combo.

I was at peace in the serene place, seemingly untouched by anything but myself, if not even by the forces of nature.

You've made it pretty clear that this is a serene place, so I would just leave it at, "I was at peace in that place, seemingly untouched by anything but myself - not even by the forces of nature.:

Nothing else entered my mind, and the last thing I remembered before dozing off were the stars.

Sounds nice.

Okay, I know I'm totally in the middle of this, but I'm being forced to get offline, so I'll have to finish up tomorrow. Lame, since this is so short, I know, but such is life. Thanks for the read so far, though!

Double gack. Some of your suggestions I may adhere to... Thanks for reviewing it though! To be honest it only has another few paragraphs to go before it's done! It's only a small piece for the Fantasy Fools' Weekly Challenge, so don't expect too much ^_~

I took the liberty of removing the BB Code from your title. It just doesn't work there.

I didn't like the way the story was told. There was nothing wrong with the POV, it is perfectly okay to use a first person in the past tense. Some of it wasn't convincing. Things like "Or Would I?" don't usually occur when I'm recounting a tale.

So you might want to read it aloud, it will help you detect where it sounds awkward, so you can change it for the better.

Tsk, tsk, Bjorn, what low standards you have!

Well, in that case, I'll just generalize the rest of my comments for the end.

"Bath in roses"... hmm... well, um, this doesn't exactly seem like a real manly thing to do. Do a lot of people bathe with roses? If this is going to be expanded, you might want to save that detail for later, because thinking of this somewhat warrior guy tromping around on a heath who really likes taking long baths with rose petals... well, I'll be frank. It makes me snicker.

On reading this again this morning, I have to agree with Grif about the "or would I?"s that you throw in every so often. I know that the narrator is recounting a tale, but being inside someone's mind who keeps asking all these random questions gets tedious. Too little action, too much pondering.

It's then an unfortunality that I have based this man on myself? I do think too much, in fact! I feel a little offended by your opening statement, are you sure it's me who has low standards, or is it the reader who has such high expectations (for example, you find this tedious and boring "too little action, and too much pondering", quite the contrary to what I believe. That is if you count nature in motion action-this story is a nice insight to my mind [boring mind, you say? ])! But I'm not here to give what the reader wants, am I, nay. But don't think I say this with an ill mood, I say it with a mouthfull of corn!
That all being said, I think I will go ahead and change the "bath in roses", it didn't sound right to me either. Here's the rest:

(A Heathenly Respite (con't)

A quarter days journey, the next day, brought me to the eaves of the forest I espied the evening before. It wasn't anything spectacular, that is to say, I was not awed by its appearance in any way. On the outside it was but one of many forests that would have dotted such a landscape, at least that was my thinking. It was a well diversified wood, if anything of it was to be noticed, laying host to beeches, birchs, maples, poplars-being predominant and scattered-firs, spruces, pines-which were more scarce and huddled together-and oaks, which seemed to be the dominant species.

I must stop there... I just noticed I have strayed too far off from what I originally intended *sighs* It's quite dull from here on, I just wrote on memory of my inspiration that hit while away from pencil and paper. How ironic-I write such a relaxing, peacful story, reflecting my mood for the past few days, and now I am most unhappy at the end... It could still work without the first paragraph, though...I think that's what ruined everything... Bah

Bjorn, we should have high expectations.

I'd suggest perhaps expanding on this, and playing around with the ideas more. There really isn't much here for a reader to latch onto. While authos should not strive to just please readers, if you're going to make something available for people to read, you have to remember that when you're writing it.

Have a little more confidence in your abilities. You do have talent, but your skills need refining. And something to keep in mind is that statements like, "Too little action, too much pondering." are just opinions based on preference. Listen to them, of course, but if think about it and decide you don't agree, ingore it.

One step ahead of you, Rei! While washing the dishes I had a brilliant idea for the story!

this felt wierd , it had good metaphors and discriptions but i think what made me dislike it was how it was written, in first person past tense , i think if you did this in normal tense it would be better, alot better.

only my opinion

Life is full of learning Thanks for the comment treeclub, and welcome to YWS!

I must say, the context and the subject both grabbed my attention very well. But the wording was a bit akward. I don't know if I'm supposed to be offering this kind of review, especially as it is only the first part, but it seemed like the whole thing would have been a lot more...surreal, I guess, if you had gone a little more "stream of coniousness." Your first person charecter seemed a bit too analytical and collected, using words like "subsequently", for me to really get into the emotion of the piece. I think the idea of it has wonderful potential, but perhaps make it a little more unearthly (the title does speak of "heathens", does it not?) to draw your readers into that not-quite-expected world.

Well, the point of the story was to be quite earthly. I see the story was written analytically, and not very emotionally... Thanks. I may incorporate this...well whatever of it into my story, er, other story. :O