Eriol/Ottar Waefre/Aelfwine

Well, this started out as a poem for the poetry contest for the 'Grande Re-Opening!', but when it was finished, I noticed I was some 56 lines over the limit! (The title I put it temporary, maybe.) This, I believe, is my longest poem yet - Enjoy!


In olden days
now long past
When faery folk
walked the strands
Of cosmic shores
bestrewn with gold
There was a place
a hallowed one
Where told was tales
of things before
And things to come
were cited there

There was a man
from lands afar
From iron coasts
where dwell his kin
The roaring sea
called to him
And seaward was
his gaze affixed
Built him a boat
a vessel strong
To travel far
o'er waters new

Whither wind blew
that filled his sail
He thither went
and traversed there
Until one day
as was his weird
He came unto
those fiery shores
Moored his ship
beater of waves
And walked the path
of Elm trees fair
Whither no man
had trod before
To the bosom
of that land
And came upon
a place of rest
Of feasts that sate
and tales that fill.

For days he stayed
and hearkened to
Wondrous tales that
told of days
Now forgotten
how mighty Gods
Shaped the World
and the One
Who set within
the Flame of Life
Of Elfin folk
who were the first
And of Men
who followed them
Of journeys hard
and perilous
Many travails
big and small.

His restless heart
was then assuaged
And found he peace
within that realm
No longer called
the roaring sea
No longer were
his eyes set thence
So stayed he there
forevermore
Amongst those folk
undying ones
Who are now past
from our gaze
Into the West
beyond the Sea

Hey a long poem written by B'journ!

Pretty good.Actually I read it in a hurry and didn't get much to critic on,hehehe...
So I'll come on later and critic on it if theres something to do on.

No problemo!

Beautiful, Bjorn, but have you considered maybe combining some of the lines, so it doesn't appear so thin and long? ^_~

Yeah, I agree. It needs to have longer lines. However, as usual, you have a beautiful tone and some very nice use of language.

I liked it a lot, my only problem was the line

"Where told was tales"

I think it should be

"Where told were tales"

but that's only my little pet peeve.

As usual, Bjorn, good story-teller's sense in the oral tradition - it could be chanted, almost. ^_^

The length of it and brevity of the lines though tended to feel a bit breathless. Perhaps some more punctuation?

In olden days
now long past
When faery folk
walked the strands
Of cosmic shores
bestrewn with gold
There was a place
a hallowed one
Where told was tales
of things before
And things to come
was cited there

A bit awkward sans subjunctive -'where told was tales...[] was cited there'. Would be more correct, and flow better if it were - 'where told were tales ...[] were cited there'.

Whither no man
had trod before
To the bosom
of that land
And came upon
a place of rest
Of feasts that sate
and tales that fill.

This bit especially seemed drawn out, and cut short.

How would it be like this? -

Wither no man had trod befere
to the bosom of that land
And came upon a place of rest
of feasts that sate and tales that fill

All in all, despite its ancient lyrical feel, it seems scattered. That's partially the form - it breaks up the thought with how short its lines are. Could it be shortened some, do you think? It might be more vivid with briefer images and longer lines.

I'm a bit rushed - 'hope this is sensible and not too scattered itself. ^_^

I agree with changing "was" to "were" in those two cases. I also thing that one chunk you pointed out is a little too drawn out. Could it be shortened? I'm not so sure. I wanted to stick to 3-4 syllables a line, partially cuz I had a tune in my head to which I was chanting this. As for punctuation... I did have punctuation at first, but removed it, as I felt this was more lyrical than it was/is something to be read. Do you get me?

However, thanks all of you who enjoyed it and/or critiqued it! I shall take into consideration what all ye have suggested, and see what I can do.

Firstly, congratulations to Dan for writing such a long and incredible poem. Well, just a reminder, so that you don’t misunderstand me, for poems-size really doesn’t really matter. The flow and meter of this poem is a little weird though.
I love the classic-fairy-tale-ish touch you are able to weave in your poems and to tell you frankly, the old-world charm of this poem is very strong and it really paints fantastic pictures. The words are very well chosen and unique.
You misspelled ‘weird’ in this line: “as was his weird” (a word which I too misspell quite often!)and this one over here, “was then assauged” (it’s assuaged)and isn’t ‘fairy’ spelt this way?(check 3rd line).
I was blown over by these lines “Of cosmic shores /bestrewn with gold” and also “He came unto /those fiery shores /Moored his ship /beater of waves” –Hats (but not cats) off to you!!
By the way, I would recommend you to insert the vital punctuations in this poem for the reader’s ease.

Ahh, thank you very much Sohini! For the congrats, and for pointing out those mistakes! One can only go so far without making one... Faery, though, is quite correct, just to let you know But honestly, I don't deserve all the thanks. The grammar you see bestrewn throughout the piece is mostly thanks to reading (too much...) Tolkien (mostly, not all). The poem, too, is about Eriol, a character in Tolkien's Book of Lost Tales. That all being said, though, this piece is original in composition, and was typed by my hand with no aids

And Sohini, I'm thinking of undertaking what you partly suggested - an anthology of poems that takes the reader from the Norse Creation to the Norse End. I've Thor's part done so far, and am trying to get the Valhalla piece done, without much success But ah well, perhaps it'll be complete some day, a compliment to the Prose Edda!