:::::Written for a language arts project:::::
Cue intro fanfare and announcer introducing host
Host greets audience: Hey, how’s everyone doing tonight? We have a very special guest for this show. He’s a celebrity in the language world, the star of several Broadway shows, and a recently published author. Here he is: Pan Affix!
Pan walks out, met with thunderous applause
Pan shakes hands with host and accepts a proffered coffee mug
Host: So Pan, I hear you recently had another child. How’s that going?
Pan: Well, [host], every second is “all good!” You know, this is my third kid, so it’s sort of like having little “Pandora”s all over the house.
Host: Absolutely! They’re all like little demons! Well, how is your wife?
Pan: Oh, Philos is doing great. She recently published her new book, “Philosophy of Life.” Good read.
Host: Well, I hear that you’re a fair writer yourself. I’ve seen that you’ve published your autobiography. Tell us about it!
Pan: Well, it’s, “Pandemonium: A Day in the Life of Pan Affix”. Copyright 2004, Polybiblos Books. Check it out. It basically covers all of my life so far, from my birth to my Broadway experiences. *prompt from host to tell in detail* Well, I’m actually Greek by birth. I was born it Pan, Greece, a village in northwest Arcadia, named for the god Pan. Lots of forests, pastures, flora and fauna. My full name is actually Panto, or you can call me Pant, but I’d prefer you don’t because that’s the sound given by people suffering from panhydrosis, sweating all over.
Host: Well, reading in here, I remember something about a disease you had as a youth. Could you tell us about that?
Pan: It was something of a pandemic, everybody had it in those days. Something to do with my pancreas, when it was full of flesh. And I suffered from pantalgia. Everything was painful. I remember, my parents panicked the entire time I had it. I think they were diagnosed with pananxiety. They were in mass hysteria. But I got a panacea that cured everything. But I do suffer from panarthritis. Some days it just hurts to move.
Host: Shame. Well, I know you recently got off Broadway. What were you in?
Pan: I was actually in a run of “Panto of the Opsis.”
Host: My wife and I saw that! Great show! Well, what’s it like to be such a celebrity affix?
Pan: You know, [host], some times I can’t even believe it myself. I walk into a bookshop, and there I am. I pass an airport, there I am. I’m everywhere!
Host: You’re “all that”, and more. So, I’ve heard that you can actually go before some words? How is that?
Pan: Well, [host], you know I’m an affix, but specifically I’m a prefix, and I’m placed in front of many, many roots and words. I guess that’s just part of being a celebrity!
*fake banter chuckles*
Host: So, for instance, you can represent everything in a specific place or a group of people?
Pan: Yes, as a celebrity affix I’m one of a pantheon of respected affixes. I’m also pancratic, universally accomplished, so I can represent every particular organism or item. For example, this show airs on a Pan-American network, covering the entire Americas.
Host: I see. Well, tell us about your recent Pan-American tour!
Pan: Well, I ate all kinds of interesting cuisine, and as a pantophagist I’ll eat most everything. The climate changed as we went, but I’m pantothermal, so all temperatures are fine by me. I just love the feeling of panpathic love of us celebrities I get from everyone. Of course, as I went I saw art of a pantechnic variety, all kinds of things.
Host: Well, Pan, we’re about out of time. *to audience* Please check out Pan Affix’s new autobiography, the pantograph of his life!
Pan thanks host, waves to panoramic audience, utters a small thanks to the audience.
Cue Song: *All of Me*
