Silence (Read+Review!)

A Deafening Silence

'Never' has a sound.
Its voice is loud and echoing
But it cannot distinguish itself
Out of many other nothings.

Whirling, Swirling, bloodred.
The sickening sound of everything
That's heard by nothing at all.


--Please Critique. Go ahead, be harsh, poetry is not my niche. Now, I know that 'A Deafening sillence' isn't very much more creative-- any suggestions, please?

The title was a bit unoriginal, but aside from that I thought this was good. I'm feeling philosophical today, so that's probably why I liked it as much as I did. The only thing I was going to suggest was doing something with the first line. What it suggests is great and it works too, but I don't like questions at the starts of poems. Then when I tried to figure out how you could do it without a question, I couldn't think of anything. Just leave it.

Anyway, great work.

hmmm the title and topic aren't original which makes it harder for you to do something good out of it..you know something original..and you didn't I'm sorry

This line just had me bothered..

Does never have a sound?

what exactly do you mean here ?

oh yeah try using comma's and such to make it flow better..

Whirling, Swirling, bloodred.
The sickening sound of everything
In nothing at all.

this is probably the best part...allthough the last line kinda got its flow away..

that's all..I guess try rewriting it

Twek it a bit , and you shall have a poem!

Hi volleychik992,

Welcome to YWS; I don't think I've met you yet, so I hope you enjoy it here. Now, on to your poem...

I don't see the correlation between your title 'Silence' and the question 'Does never have a sound?' that spurs the poem onward. Never is not necessarily silence; two minutes of silence can say magnitudes more than a novel ever could. In short, I don't agree with your fundamental comparison of 'nothingness' to 'silence.' By using that analogy, you give yourself an impossible task: to describe nothinginess in images and in language. We can only describe absences, not fundamental lacking, because even an absence is the constitution of loneliness. We do not ever feel "nothing"; we can be numb, and we can certainly be cold, but to feel nothing, to write nothing, is only an effort in futility. An empty beach before a major storm, wind whistling through a house in winter, an abandoned trail in a forest slowly fading over time -- all of these are wonderful images, but they only describe an absence. Silence is the absence of utterances, not their nullification. Try running at this again with a different approach and maybe you can produce something worthwhile.

Good luck,
Brad

Thank you very much for critiqueing-- oh, shoot, I forgot how to spell that.

Anyway...
To be honest, I have to admit that I didn't even think about the title. But now that I have...

Um, incandescence, I think you wrote your opinion beautifully, and you made your point, but I have to disagree. That is just one way of looking at it. I'm not trying to be technical--if I was, then you are completely correct.

Like I said, poetry is not my niche, but I'll go and tweak my poem a little bit and see if it's any better--but I doubt that there won't be more things to correct!

This was good idea and a good poem, but I think you could expand on it. Because it was so short, it didn't have justifiable room to make it's own beautiful point. Don't add sludge, but I'd love a bit more.

It was good. "A deafening silence" is actually very good. I think that there were some rythem problems, but other than that, I thought that it was very good.