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This is the poem I am going to read at open mic night


The mother cries for her babies
Hurt by cruelties
of a cold world.

The moon cries for mother earth
who has been packed up, vacum sealed,
shipped off somewhere.

The hobo cries for the business man
Confined to crunching numbers in cubicles
Sealing them off from the world
never seeing its beauty.
But the business man condemns the free spirit as a bum.

The poets cry for suburbia
Living in their fake realm of happiness
Behind their white picket fences
Who only accept conformity to the jones' standards
And are never free.

The world weeps for us
Always stuck between the tracks and never free.
Zombies slowly creeping through
Just copies of each other,
brainwashed by the media.
But we never cry for anything but ourselves.

THe mother crys for her babies isn't it cries?
who will be hurt
by the harsh cruelties of this cold world. wordy wordy wordy! ok this is how i would do this (I warned you of nit-picks)

The mother cries for her babies
hurt by cruelities
of a cold world

and this is just me, but it sounds kinda cool if you're not specific about what earth, even though you are talking about this one. Just me, though

The moon crys for mother earth
who has been packed up, vacum sealed, and shipped off somewhere. I would put a line break after sealed, an get rid of the and before shipped, and define somewhere

The whrinkly hobo crys for the buisness man wrinkly makes this sounds wordy.. I would scratch it
Who is confined to crunching numbers in their cubicle I would scratch the who (and thus is as well) as well as their, and make it cubicles.. just me again
Sealing them off from the world
and never seeing the beauty of the world. never seeing it's beauty is less wordy, I think.
But the buisness man wearly looks at this free spirit. ok, this last line wasn't clear to me. regardless, I would scratch the but, and then re-word a bit for clarity

The poets cry for subarbia
Who are living in their fake realm of hapiness Who are can go..and maybe a better word then happiness?
Behind their white picket fences i love that
Who only accept conformity to the jones' standards
And are never free.

The world weeps for us
Who are always stuck between the tracks and never free. start on "always stuck"
Who are zombies slowly creeping through life start on zombies, maybe take out life in this line as you use lives in the last stanza, and that sounds repetitative
And just copys of each other, that are brainwashed by the media. no and, line break after other, start next line on brainwashed
But we never cry for anything but our poor lives. i like the image you're portraying here, I just think it could be stronger. maybe changing our poor lives to ourselfs...

Ok, I like this, and think you have a really strong message here. Yes, I was really nit-picky, but that's becuase I see a whole lot of potential for this, especially read aloud. I'm not a fan of overly-wordy pieces (but I never seem to write anything through without them being horrendously wordy) so I tend to like things more concise, and pack as much punch as they can in as few words.

I thought it was very cool...very political, yet spiritual and revolutionary in a way...I think it would work great for an open mic night.

My only things is that "copys" should be spelled "copies." Other than that, great job. This is your best poem yet!

Sounds pretty cool. On the other hand, it seems to be brainwashed by the anti-media, if you know what I mean. But yeah, very good point and symbolism!

That was very good. It didn't really open my mind as to see the real world though. I don't know why, but it just seemed to be missing something. But overall, I liked it, and the reason it would be great for an open mic night is because it is very short and keeps the reader wanting to listen to more of it.

But "vacum" should be "vacuum".

here it is...

I really liked everything apart from the mention of zombies.. It sounds kind of cheapy. Perhaps you could use a different word.. Apart from that though, it rocks!

I'm not much of a critic so i just tell you how i liked it I liked it was good sometimes nice to get a comment that isnt destructive

Everybody else pretty much got what was to be said... it was alright though. It was pretty and .... sort of depressing
I liked it otherwise.

I agree most with Caligula's Launderette's critique. it's an interesting method, as well, and much easier to critique with paper. now if only my printer wasn't so screwed up....
this poem had a bit to cut cliche-wise, but the message was, nonetheless, strong.