14 - there's no time for you

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Picture this - best friend -
Red hair and innocent
She’s entrapped in her boyfriend’s
Spider web of arms
We joke and laugh and
Sip a soda in a myriad of stars
Hand in hand we muster
Courage to nip pizzas
Knowing pounds of fat can fade
And yesterdays are common made
We are aware that we can sing
The best days of our lives
And out of tune,
For who’d impune us
In our passion, in our truth
In our idle days of youth
Dreams wafts between us tonight

But you cannot breathe and
Sit tied to an umbilical cord
For countless sugared days
So snapping brittle virgins
And turning separate ways
A whore is one who clicks her nails
While dialing the telephone
The boys, hands just like spiders,
Inch my body as I moan
“Away”, I’ll say
But they will whisper “We’re alone.”
Grains of sands
Slicked between lips in parking lots
Tossed between curbs and would-be-not’s
Death wafts from days into deep nights

I can stand, so lonely
Searching for aluminum kisses
Amiss metal hard rapture
A flurry wave swept them away
In a sinking capture
But, alone, my feet are swaying
Grains of sand weighing my
Chances, morals and truth
Boyfriends turn to cobwebs
And out of tune best friends
Served better to me
When they still sung off-key
Carpe Diem.




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"Impune" should be impugn.
"Dreams wafts" should be dreams waft.
Question mark at end of first stanza.

First stanza weak. Second stanza broken, but intense and fascinating. Third stanza echoes same emotion as first. Revision recommended.




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Points 1040
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I thought the whole thing was great. First stanza-fab. Second stanza-marvy Third Stanza-intense, powerful and gut-wrenching.

I love your poetry, can you tell?




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Points 890
Reviews 1160
This poem scared me.
But it was awesome.
*bows down to you*
Ahhh mighty poet god... *bows*

Boyfriends turn to cobwebs
And out of tune best friends
Served better to me
When they still sung off-key

It's like LIFE!




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Points 890
Reviews 91
This was intriguing...I didn't like the first stanza very much at all, but you convinced me in the second and third ones. Oh, one thing though...I hate the use of "boyfriend" in poetry...it has too much connotative meaning attached to it; it has too much baggage. Use another word. Nice piece.

Brian
"Literature is strewn with the wreckage of men who have minded beyond reason the opinions of others."
-Virginia Woolf



It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small.
— Neil Armstrong