Whispers for the Angel of the Gallows

Delicate and thin
Like the string hung above
And around
My neck
Delicate and thin

And thy queen, so dainty
And bright, like the sun
Sits above
And on
My soul – thy queen

Worship her and her rosy cheeks
Delicate and thin
Broken up
And laid out
On the floor; puzzle, plan

Longingly I reach out for your lips
They are strawberries
Bright and sweet
Red and lying in a bed
Put them against my lips, love

You turn you head away
Shamed to see me
Abashed
Ashamed
And toss me aside with disgust, disdain

Lain in hell for thine
Thou ‘tisn’t grateful?
Tossed aside
Under queen
Delicate and thin

Boxes stand against the walls
And their doors open
Welcome me
Take me in
Delicate and thin

And delicate and thin is my voice
As I sing my last lullaby
To the sky,
I shall cry
Queen and I, delicate and thin




it's an old poem of mine, but no less justifable, i believe.

This was good! When you’re talking about being thrown aside is it the queen that has thrown you away? I can’t really comment on anything else because I don’t think it needs to be improved. -N

I love the rhythm/rhyme/repetition thing here. It's continually surprising and different... But in a very good way.
Under queen
That was especially cool.
Sorry, no useful critique, but I love this. It's so pretty, and I sense... Subliminal messages.

The reason I was attracted to this poem was it kind of sounded like one of recent works (At least the title does) but this is a lovely poem, elegant. The only think that I would say is this:

Shamed to see me
Abashed
Ashamed

I know 'Shamed' and 'Ashamed' are different words but they sound practically alike, so having them so close together wouldn't really be that wise of a choice.

But this very good, you are an excellent poet! Keep it up!

A beautiful piece and a very enjoying read. The only nitpicks I have:

You turn you head away
Shamed to see me
Abashed
Ashamed
And toss me aside with disgust, disdain

To me, this stanza sort of stutters a bit. It's probably the shamed/ashamed repetition and the subsequent rhyme.

Lain in hell for thine
Thou ‘tisn’t grateful?
Tossed aside
Under queen
Delicate and thin

Thine is used wrong in this context. From dictionary.com: "adj. A possessive form of thou. Used instead of thy before an initial vowel or h: “The presidential candidates are practicing the first rule of warfare: know thine enemy.” And then "Thou 'tisn't grateful" also doesn't make sense. "Thou it is not grateful?" is how it works out... I would modernize the English and just say "Laid in hell for yours/Are you not grateful?" or something to that effect.

Great read, though. Keep it up.
Brian

This poem, like all of your other poems, was really good. You have an awesome talent so keep up the good work. \:D/