six billion victory cries in the silent, dead sky.

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2-18-06

Dear journal;
six billion of these angsty moments
six billion of these good-for-nothing moments,
six billion of these “the world is on fire, and I
am scared as shit!” moments
six billion of these slow “I love you” moments.
six billion of these spiritual moments, calling
through the mountains
through the stars
through the skies.
six billion.

A globe,
a six billion victory cries
in the silent, dead sky
A globe,
of these spinning
naked moments, under a sun so sparkling
shining good and splendid,
through ice crystals on a window
and through bare-naked trees
in early morning spring
moments.
A globe of these pin-prick moments,
A globe where we hug our youth and
hug our fathers, and they hug theirs,
back into ancient, unrecognizable
lifes,
and not one of us shares a common thread:

“For me who go,
for you who stay
two autumns.”

We don’t hold a single experience in common,
not a moment of our lives,
yet from a globe
of differing perspectives, we share
the internet,
canons,
religions,
languages,
cultures,
countries,
loves,
tragedies
searching through this peeling,
uncertain blue moon
for a spot to heaven,
escape from Mother Tragedy
hugging our smooth breast,
suckling our warm and wholesome milk,
lining us with inexorable fear,
reduced,
we find ourselves here.
Living.
Because the tragedy of tragedies
is that we can never escape.
We must face every problem,
and can only hide
for a minute or a millennium.
Small peanuts.

Fundamentally,
When the dice are tossed,
(and God and the devil open
their sniper eyes),
we find ourselves here,
in Karmic exchanges,
our entire bodies and
X amount of years
peeling away
vulnerable before
the
naked, hiding lies
of these years. Of lives, aged in
the only reality that escapes
science’s grasp (or is truly smothered
by it.

We are all weak.
Finding ourselves betwixt familiar but old faces.
There are so many levels
a poem an orange an onion,
reality.
Daily consciousness is our most perverted stop
on this freeway.
It is the highest,
shallowest level, tip of the iceberg.
And beneath, we’re all children,
crying and yearning for mother.
We forget nothing,
context changes only.
And so our birth
sings and shouts and shudders
in our daily funerals, somewhere
within us.

It is deeply ironic that we
can never remember that ultimate life
is the dream.,
And the illusion knows our soul.

Every time you sing,
pretend that the world is hearing,
and every time you vomit,
submit your soul, and
every time you fade
fade into a bright new colony.
Follow love, love, love
and understand that God
is behind these coughs.
There’s something deeper
beside these coughs,
and in magical moments, karma’s power of infinite joy
shines together the beautiful, tearful
spring.

I’ve seen the end
in the darkened hallway
kissed it beauty fear
and meltings
of the ultimate child subconscious
pierce us,
so we know were not alone
(finally, at last, at last!)
And dreams lull me away,
soft tumbly magic,
into a day older, day deader,
box fiery consequency,
tragic
adulthood,
but that’s the common lie,
and I shall overcome, while
awaiting the exultings.




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ok, this is wonderful. it just needs a bit trimming around the edges, i think. i'll try my best.

first paragraph - you say six billion too much. get a different number. or stop repeating yourself. it would similarily suck if someone said "Joe, Bob and Sue went to the store. Joe, Bob and Sue bought ice cream. Joe, Bob are Sue are tired." get the point? by the end, you wanted to kill Joe, Bob and Sue and pray to God that the author didn't say "Joe, Bob and Sue are dead."

sorry. rambling.

in early morning spring
moments.


in early spring morning moments

“For me who go,
for you who stay
two autumns.”


semicolon have stay, maybe? or some sort of punctuation

the internet,
canons,
religions,
languages,
cultures,
countries,
loves,
tragedies


you stopped poetry and started a world grocery list or something here. maybe if you just kept some of them on the same line or something...

we find ourselves here.
Living.


"living here" fits the rhythm and rhyme better, but whatever floats you boat.

Small peanuts.

this made me laugh. i'm just nit picking, but it's a bit...er...too weird. i get the point, but your over imaging it, if that is possible.

(and God and the devil open
their sniper eyes),
-- i just loved this haha

beside these coughs,

besides "them".

overall, i really loved this entire poem. it was so long, though. and it just had a couple of things about it that annoyed me. i'm just offering suggestions, again, so don't get too upset, because i basically love this poem as it is.
Carpe Diem.




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Reviews 387
I think this is one of the best things you've written, truthfully. It's very good. I can't crit to save my life. Just wanted you to know. It's really, really good. Although... I have to agree with xanthan's suggestions on formatting. It was a bit awkward to read in some places and it would be easier if it was all one one or two lines together. Awesome though.
@(^_^)@
Got YWS?




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Bravo! Easily the best poem of yours I've read. I think it started off a bit shaky; I was sort of annoyed by the repetition of "six billion." After the first stanza ended, though, I totally got into it. You use a style of writing that I think shows your depth of thought and emotion better than you've previously shown. It wasn't loaded with strange idiosyncracies. I can't find one thing I specifically strongly like or dislike. Overall the poem is wonderful.




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Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 205
Xanthan, thanks. I didn't change the early morning spring to early spring morning, because, frankly, that changes the meaning to make it early in spring, and morning, rather than early in the morning and spring, which is what I wanted. But I do think that that flows better, too...

As for the haiku (which I didn't write, it's my dad's fav haiku, and it's someone's translation) I did add the semicolon. Thanks, you're right. I don't know how it was originally written, since I just got it from my dad.

I rather like my grocery list. I like it because it's a thought, and I could go into what I visualize when I think of each thing, of the internet and conons and religions, etc., but you really must do some imagining on your own, I can't do everything for you. And that would ruin the flow. If I make it one line too, I don't think it would flow very well and I think the idea those were a part of would be lost some.

I purposefully did the "we find ourselves here./ Living." thing. I didn't like the rhyme it would create, because I thought it would look contrived. This messes it up just enough to avoid that.

Small peanuts I kept, because I think it's kinda funny too.

"devil" should have been capitalized in that bit you liked.

I had already changed the coughs thing on my master copy of this, but not here. I changed it to

"Follow love, love, love
and understand that God
is behind these coughs.
There’s something deeper
beside these callouses,"



To everyone about the six-billion thing:

I like it! It's supposed to make the beginning slower, more meditative. Set the scene. And Charlie, whom none of you probably knows, really loved that first stanza, and I do too, and she's amazing. I trust her. But, hey, when I sell it, you can do whatever you want with the copy I know you'll buy of this. To each their own.

Zany Pleb, the strange idiosyncrasies were...largely because I was bored with writing in general. I...I don't know, I'm weird. I guess you knew that. I am trying to remove those from my stuff...I think it was a rebellion thing. A rebellion to something that didn't really exist. Shrug. Maybe I was just bored, and doing those slowed me down enough to realize that, most of the time, I really didn't have anything beneath it. I'm surprised that the strange idiosyncrasies at the end didn't get to you...

and I should explain that I was very drunk when I wrote this poem, and by the end, I was almost sleeping. Dylan Thomas is my hero...

my god, I like positive feedback.



I don't care what the miserable excuse is for showing the death of books, live, on screen. Men, I could understand; but books! -
— Edwin Morgan, From the Video Box 2