Hey you...

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ladydark
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 80
Tue Feb 14, 2006 11:20 pm
ladydark says... · Tue Feb 14, 2006 11:20 pm
Hey you, yes you! The one who captured me
I have been watching you, can you tell?
Hey, please don't go, stay with me, do not flee...
Good, you came back, are you under my spell?

I love your hair, so beautiful and light
Your eyes see all, but they show a hurt soul
I hate who ever hurt you, did they take flight?
With my honest love, I will make you whole...

Now we are as one, always keep me near
Without your kind hold, my life would unwind
Now with you holding me, I shall not fear
Glad you choose me, you are one of a kind

Dearest love, how wonderous we shall be
My only love, it is just you and me
“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”

"Foul devil, for God's sake, hence, and trouble us not;
For thou hast made the happy earth thy hell,
Fill'd it with cursing cries and deep exclaims." (Richard III 1.2) Shakespeare
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xanthan gum
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 688
Tue Feb 14, 2006 11:33 pm
xanthan gum says... · Tue Feb 14, 2006 11:33 pm
if you continue to write a lot, i believe you can perfect some of your flaws. for one - you were very informal in this poem, and it sort of drenched the entire meaning, like some sort of fast-track story you tried to shove in a shakespearean sonnet. on top of that, your rhyming in spots is, alas, forced. here:

Hey, please don't go, stay with me, do not flee...


do not flee? ACK! so redundant...

I hate who ever hurt you, did they take flight?


two ideas, one line - very crowded.

Glad you choose me, you are one of a kind


how about "glad you chose me, as your one of a kind"?
Carpe Diem.
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2 posts


Nothing says criminal activity like strong bones. ;)
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