Chill of the Night

>.> I Cannot write poetry, but I Did write this piece, long time ago... so lame..


The wind howls through the trees
A forboding aura hovers around the darkened forest
The moon hangs high in the sky, full, mysterious, and dark
Shadowed clouds roll cautiously across the starless sky
A chill runs up my spine, as mournful cry is heard from within the forest...
While the chill of the night... settles in...

A forboding aura hovers around the darkened forest
Wouldn't it be 'forbading'?

A chill runs up my spine, as mournful cry is heard from within the forest...
The second clause here was a bit awkward. Maybe add 'a' or rearrange the wording?

A chill runs up my spine, as mournful cry is heard from within the forest...
While the chill of the night... settles in...
Not something really big, but you used 'chill' twice and sort of withdrew from the impact of the second one.

Mostly, the lines seemed disconnected and abrupt from each other. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but it wasn't too big of a thing when I read it. I didn't think it was lame at all. Actually, it was a nice change and reflected your avatar well.

"The moon hangs high in the sky, full, mysterious, and dark
Shadowed clouds roll cautiously across the starless sky"

Might sound better if you took the first sky out...that way you only have one sky in the two lines, and hey, we already know the moon is in the sky, anyway. Also I didn't like the ... 's towards the end. Any of them. You could move "settles in" to a line by itself to create a tense pause in the rhythm. The ellipses (is that what they are called?) just didn't do it for me. Other than that, pretty good. Matches your avatar well.

Like emotion_less said, this seems a bit choppy and disconnected. To me, it seems more like a setting for a story or something than a poem. Great as that, but poems usually need to flow a little more to work. Cool imagery though...

I disagree with everyone. Forbading? Please. That's NOT A WORD. I like the poem. I like how it is, and don't think that anything should be changed. It feels...creepy, sad, dark. It's just a snapshot, it's cool.

i agree with PsyLynx. it is a snapshot, in a sense. there is only one suggestion i have:

While the chill of the night... settles in...

i'd suggest something more like this:

"while the chill of the night settles in..."

if read aloud how you wrote it, it doesn't sound right.

ladydark,

This is prose, not poetry. Each line begins an idea anew, and none seem to really connect to one another, to make something of them. While you do have some good, traditional noir images here that one would expect of prose poetry, most of them seem convenient and, consequently, their effectiveness is diminished.

I would rethink your integration of the poem as a whole. What exactly are each of the descriptions of the world accomplishing, and what do all these images symbolize? I do think the repetition of noir images reminds me a touch of how a cop might speak, and that might work for this type of thing, but I don't think it's very convincing because that type of speech would certainly be rougher.

Good luck with this,
brad