My own rainbow

I wrote this poem. It's not about suicide, it's a different kind of goodbye. Insult this, rip it to shreads, don't read it... Feel free to do whatever you choose with it.

Goodbye to you. Even forever. Maybe.
You caused me all that pain,
I let it go in the breeze
Without realizing
How much you really hurt me.
Fifteen years of lacing me up,
Sadness... Forgiving you and trusting,
building up a city, only to have it crumple.
It all ends up here. Today, this final goodbye.
Maybe I'll find my pot of gold
On the other side.
I think i'm scared.
WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?
At least you can be happy now.
I can too.
Goodbye.

"Fifteen years of lacing me up,"
You really built up to this line and then you just let it go. It's your best line...you would do good adding something about being untied as the next line.

"On the other side.
I think i'm scared."
Would be better as one line, without the periods.

"WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?"
Would have a better effect in italics, or standing alone (in it's own stanza).

"At least you can be happy now.
I can too.
Goodbye."

These three lines were rather weak...please conside revising. Or better yet, if you did what I saw about the "What did I ever do to you?" you could fairly well end it right there. Also, "What did I ever do to you" would sound better as "Whatever did I do to you?"

(continued)

Chevy's Critiquing Scale
far left colon - not so great
far right colon - excellent
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Flow ..... | - : - - -|
Creativity ..... | : - - - -|
Imagery ..... | : - - - -|
Language ..... | - : - - -|
Consistency ..... | - - - : -|
Length ..... | - - - - :|
Ending ..... | : - - - -|
Overall ..... | - - : - -|

You know, why bother posting this if you won't let people bloody say things about it?
I mean the whole point of critique if there isn't anything bad to be said?

Well here I go.
A bit too choppy.
The line that is all caps is annoying.
And the one worded lines are annoying as well.

Coulda done betta.
:tiwsted:

Eheheh, I meant you can't critque this in anyway you choose and you will never insult me... See, my feelings all died a while ago >.< I wrote this like really late at night, so I can revise it easy....

The chopyness here really built up the tension, and gave it much more atmosphere than it would otherwise.

Ditto Chevy about the lacing me up line; it needs some followthrough. I think its one of the best though, a real image, a bit like a... corset? (sp?) I dunno. Thats just me.

building up a city, only to have it crumple.

I like this one too. The word 'crumple' works. It needs a capital though.

I think i'm scared.

^^Also needs capital. This is the kind of choppyness that gives it tension, I think.

I think I have an idea what this is about. Its a very good end of innocence poem. To me, it feels like you're saying goodbye to your childhood. Is that close?

The title is really creative. Nice work!

Ditto everyone else, especially the lacing up thing. Also the line in capitals didn't work for me. You want emphasis, maybe try italics. Or just one word in italics- What did I ever do to you?
Overall, nice work, I really liked this.

It was good for the most part. Watch your punctuation, though. I know it's up to you, but I would suggest using more commas at the end of your lines. I like how you punctuated every line, but if you have too many periods at the ends, it makes the poem sound choppy. Just use more commas in place of those periods. That's up to you, though.

You need a comma before "too" in the second-to-last line. I also didn't like the whole-line capitals. Your poem should be able to speak for itself without you having to use the caps. Caps can be annoying at times. Check over your work before you press "Submit"; I noticed some of your I's weren't capitalized.

The poem itself was OK. I get what you're talking about, but I've heard this type of poem quite a bit. All of this type are starting to sound the same to me. Maybe you need to pick a more original topic next time.

Keep writing!
-*-*--Diana--*-*-