My Pen Bleeds My Heart And Soul

We all watch what we're doing,
Every moment,
Every day,
Our movements can be misleading,
And we do watch what we say,

It's as if we're under a watchful eye,
That monitors our motions,
There's been a stopper shoved down my throat,
And I've swallowed what's left of my notions,

With all these limits I've set for myself,
I feel I can never be whole,
But honey let me share the truth,
My pen bleeds my heart and soul.

I love it.

But honey let me share the truth,
My pen bleeds my heart and soul

These are my favourite lines. Good job!

okay, first of all you need to add more to this. or, rather, i think you should. it would certainly help the feeling of the poem. truthfully, i didn't see how the title would tie into the poem until the last few lines - it was very rushed near the end, but that was the best part, actually. so give me on that topic - it was beautiful there.

the first two stanzas, though, had lots of off-rhythm and somewhat boring places. for off-rhythm or awkward lines:

And we do watch what we say,

There's been a stopper shoved down my throat,
And I've swallowed what's left of my notions,

the rest of the poem is short-lined, so avoid random long lines. also, the phrasing on the quote above is relatively awkward, as i had to read it a hanful of times to place it correctly.

by the way, avoid saying "honey" and other pet names... or, at least, just add commas before and after it since it is, after all, an interjection or something of the sort.

Okay thank you so much! I'll be adding more to this soon and editing it. Perhaps posting a revised version on this thread.

I really have to work on rhythms too, that's been a problem with me!

I agree with xanthan gum that this poem could use some more length to demonstrate the feeling more powerfully, or even better than more words, more meaningful words that can express your emotions more quickly and effectively. I thought this poem was very interesting and there were some parts that I really liked, but this needs more imagery, more word pictures to explain to the reader what you are saying. You have one sentence in this poem that describes exactly that I'm talking about; I'll point it out when I get there.

We all watch what we're doing,
Every moment,
Every day,
Our movements can be misleading,
And we do watch what we say,

This opening statement is an improvement from your last poem, but more intrigue would be even nicer. I know it's hard, but I can already see that you are improving. I suggest replacing your first line with 'watching what we're doing' for I find clauses like that ease the reader into the poem more naturally than sentences, unless the sentence is really intriguing, at least for me anyways. Your last 2 lines are good, but I think we can make them shorter and more rhythmic while keeping their essence.
For your 4th line, I think you can just say 'Movements are misleading' or 'movements may be misleading' and for the 5th line, it might be cool saying 'as we watch what (you don't need 'do') we say'. Also, your last line seems very simple, as if just stating a point. I suggest rewording it so it interests the reader more... something like 'as not to let our curses astray' I know that doesn't fit the rhythm, but I'm just giving examples. Use your creative mind on that last line and I'm sure you'll come up with something.

It's as if we're under a watchful eye,
That monitors our motions,
There's been a stopper shoved down my throat,
And I've swallowed what's left of my notions

,

I don't think you need the 'it's as' at the beginning of the 1st line. You should be able to start it with just 'as if'. I like what you're saying in the 2nd line, but I would suggest finding a more creative verb than 'monitor'. Now, your last two lines. This is an example of imagery to describe a thought. It gives you a picture of someone swallowing their notions like a stopper down their throat and explains the point more creatively than just out-rightly saying 'my notions have left me'. Good stanza

With all these limits I've set for myself,
I feel I can never be whole,
But honey let me share the truth,
My pen bleeds my heart and soul.

For some reason, I didn't really like the 1st line. It seemed kind of blunt. I agree with xanthan gum about the pet name of honey. It seemed a little out of place. I love your last line. It creates such a picture in my mind. A beautiful way to end the poem.

This was pretty good. Work on incorporating more imagery into your poems; bring your emotions to life, paint pictures.
Quite a beautiful poem. Nice job, Please keep writing.

Thank You so much WritersDomain (and Xanath again.) You guys really help me!

I didn't originally put much thought into this poem because it was a quick thing I did in homeroom. But I'll definitely put a lot more thought into it!

So I need work on.....
-Imagery
-Rhythm
-Words...(i think this goes along with imagery.)