Critiquing Partners

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1. 
   

   RebeccaZeno Creator
   RebeccaZeno · Feb 21, 2013

   Here is where we can chat on our novels. Plot holes, character names, basic English, etc. Everyone is together, helping out.
   
   *And please don't feel shy about something you have to ask. (Even if I'm saying this as a reminder to myself, because I must admit, some questions I ask might make me sound stupid, but hey, everyone has a weak spot, right?)
2. 
   

   RebeccaZeno Creator
   RebeccaZeno · Mar 31, 2013

   Hey guys! I am looking for some discussion on description. I'll give you the scene, and you guys can just critique it okay?
   *Main things to remember, Kyra-- MC-- is going crazy because she was bit by an ogre(Aka the creature for the movie Shrek lol)
   
   
   “Leon, she’s been bit by an ogre!” Noel reported, tackling me to the ground.
   My eyes rolled to the back of my head, involuntarily. I saw black with spirals of red, orange, and blue.
   I heard Emory shout, but that was the last of it before I thought my brain was chucked far out of my head. I lost absolutely all control of myself.
   I kicked Noel off of me like she was a stick and then flung to my feet rolling off my shoulders then leaping into the air. My dirtied hair drooped in front of my face but I blew it away and started laughing like a hyena, buckling over.
   The bite on my neck started to burn. It felt like someone put a hot coal on it. My hand flung up to my neck to stop the pain, but instead my hand came too quickly and powerfully and I stumbled over from my punch.
   I laughed at myself then ripped my hand away.
   “Kyra…” Leon, Noel, and Emory all stalked forward to me. I blinked and then I saw them multiply. Their faces weren't sweet and caring anymore. Leon had a snake tongue that he licked his fangs with. His hands that reached for me were webbed with claws that had blood dripping from them. Noel had hair that stuck up in every direction, orange and blue electricity jumping from each strand. Her face no longer looked soft, it was twisted up. She had four eyes, two where her mouth should be and two where her forehead should be. She limped to me, hunched over.
   “We won’t hurt you, Kyra.” Noel’s voice, shrill and raspy, cooed. Emory laughed wickedly. He was the only one that looked normal. He still had all of his normal features.
   “Liars!” I shrieked.
   Emory raised his hand to his face and gripped. His face shriveled in his hand and he ripped. Sweet, innocent Emory disappeared. His new face was flesh and muscles that was drowned in thick blood. His body contortioned into an enlarged Goliath spider, furry brown legs and all.
   They edged forward. “Kyra, we can help you.” Noel plead.

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