Young Writers Society

Hallo, Retro here for a review

As I do in all my reviews I shall do the nitpicks first before talk about what I liked, okay?


'Son, I know life has been harsh and bitter,

It is so alike this years snow! '

What I think you're trying to say is that life is harsh and bitter like this years snow? If that is the case i'd suggest rewording so it said something like 'son, I know life has been harsh and bitter,//not that different from this years snow!

'Thing my father had said… '

You need an s at the end of thing


' You have never found anything but dread…

In what I am about to tell you,

There is no pity not shame… '

I don't think you need the ellipsises here, a simple full stop will be suffice


'A flame that will never leave you fall apart, '

Now this you could have meant 'A flame that will never let you fall apart.' or 'A flame that will never leave you.' As it stands it doesn't make much sense


'To fight for those in need, not for themselves as all people might…'

This isn't so much a nitpick as a suggestion. I would replace 'all people' with 'others'. I just think it would flow better with your structure.

'Because you are so far I send you a letter,'

I think this was supposed to be two seperate lines

My other nitpick is with rhyme. You have a very unconsistend rhyme scheme in the poem so I would read through it again. And either take the rhyme out, which I think would be perfectly good, or enforce it so it is consistent.

All this being said for a first attempt this is not bad at all! You have some nice ideas, a not bad attempt at imagery and a genuine emotion. The latter being something that so many people have trouble with! So good attempt! Don't give up and keep at it!

I'm here if you need me!
~Retro

Hey there! I'm Onyx and I will be reviewing your poem today! So lets get to it.

I love the poem, I can feel the emotion behind it and the writer. Though I am wondering what style are you using? I can see a rhyme in some parts but others it does not match. Are you trying to do a rhyme poem or no? Also, it seems like one big stanza. For me, it is more appealing to have the poem broken up into multiple stanzas. It is easier on the eyes and a good way to keep track of where I am. Like a book and the paragraphs that are in it.

And never keep the head down, low!

Now I know, I am just repeating old things,

Thing my father had said…

Live your life with bravery and honor, and death is pretty!