z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

Penelope and John’s marriage

by vampricone6783


*This story is under my folder titled “Clowns, magic, murder, and lies”. It takes place after my story “Penelope and John’s first date”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*



Penelope walked down the aisle, the eyes of everyone on her. Ever since that day in the carnival, John was fascinated with her. He thought that she was amazing, that her powers were a gift.

Oh, if only he knew. When Penelope got furious, she had to restrain her anger, so that she would not unleash Hell upon Earth. Healing people of bruises and scars required deep concentration and zero stress, something that only came upon Penelope once in a blue moon.

He couldn’t rely on her. Her powers worked best with meaningless things, like retrieving a unicorn from a claw machine and turning back the time on the clock.

Yet still, John wanted to marry her, the sweet man.

Maybe love wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Maybe everything would be alright.

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1503 Reviews

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Thu Feb 22, 2024 10:15 am
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi vampricone! Happy Thursday!

I wonder if it might help to have the story this relates to as a link clearly in the piece or in an author's note? Now you have so much posted on the site it's sometimes hard for me to a) remember which story relates to another and b) find the relative story. Or maybe a synopsis of what happened in the previous tale in a spoiler? I know lots of your stories take place in the same world so it might help the reader to connect some dots now that there are so many characters and stories to keep up with!

I think you could definitely expand on some of the conflict here. Maybe a flashback of one of Penelope's outbursts so we can see it rather than just be told about it?

The flow of this is good, but I think I'd like to see some more 'show' rather than 'tell' because at the moment I'm not sure this adds anything beyond what you've already shared for these characters - that might just be because this piece exists on its own though!

Interested to see what will happen with these two and their potential marriage!

Icy




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Wed Feb 21, 2024 9:11 pm
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Snoink wrote a review...



Hi!

This story feels like it's missing a lot... like, it almost feels like a teaser that exists to tease a bigger story. Reading this, I feel like I have so many questions... How long was their relationship before they decided to get married? Why did Penelope say yes to marry John? Why doesn't John know the bad side of her powers?

It's just odd... you jump from the first date (John watching her grab a unicorn from the claw machine) all the way to the wedding without any other character development and it just feels strange... like you should probably flesh out the story more.

It also doesn't real have any conflict besides the implication of conflict maybe sometime in the future. There seems to be a question of this relationship working... but there's no real evidence of it not working. He seems to like her enough to marry her, she seems to think he is sweet. But there doesn't really have any immediate conflict, which makes me wonder about the plot...

Anyway, you should definitely see if you can develop this a little more! :)






I have another story that connects to this underneath my folder %u201CClowns, magic, murder, and lies%u201D titled %u201CPenelope and John%u2019s first date%u201D, which is their first date.

I do not intend to end the story here. I have other stories that connect to this that I haven%u2019t published yet, but will soon.

Thank you for reading!




The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices; to be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill, and suspicions can destroy. A thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all of its own.
— Rod Serling, Twilight Zone