Young Writers Society

Hello hello, me again for a quick review on a sunny Saturday!

I really liked the setting for this because I love reading work that takes place in the not too distant past. It means you can really go all in on descriptions that set the scene. I’d like to see more of that here, some things that make it clear it’s the eighties. I think it allows for a lot of fun, and presumably there’s a reason you set it in this period, so I’d lean into that more!

The description of the disappearances also seemed a bit factual. I think you could make it seem more ominous and scary by describing it from one of the character’s perspectives so we feel their hesitation and fear.

I like the kind of cliffhanger at the end. We know the crew are doomed and it almost makes it more intense to stop it where you did and let us imagine the horrors that befell them. Good work!!


Icy

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was a lovely little tale, in that classic style of them messing up and getting caught although this time they were certainly a lot less innocent in the way they almost wanted to mock the clowns.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was a bright, beautiful, cheerfully sunny day in Maven Hills, 1984. Raphael and Trevelyan walked in the clown house, not at all frightened. There were all horror stories that took place throughout the decades.

First there was Danika in 1951. Then there was Hadrien and Drystan in 1962. After that was Amabel and Corvina in 1973. Most recently was the disappearance of Emmeranne and Kieran in 1978.

All of them were twelve year old kids who had supposedly made the mistake of coming near the clown house. Most of the people in Maven Hills were fairly terrified of the clown house, so they avoided it when they could.

But the boys knew better. They saw the story for what it really was: A story. The disappearances had nothing to do with the clown house. Maybe the disappearances didn’t happen at all.

They knew one thing: They would go to the clown house and end the stories once and for all.

“Zeze! Zuzu! Come out!” Raphael said with a laugh in his voice. Trevelyan giggled to himself. How, how on Earth could anyone believe in clown ghosts? That was the stuff of urban legends and tales to tell misbehaving kids, not real life. Even the adults believed in their existence, which was just plain sad.

The boys giggled and hollered, not a care in the world, until…

“You called?” A high-pitched voice asked. The boys couldn’t tell if it was male or female, it sounded too excited for them to understand.

Perhaps they imagined it. After all, they didn’t see who was speaking. Maybe it was just the wind.

“I’m up here!” The voice said from the ceiling.

Both boys looked up, regret crawling down their backs in a cold chill.

From the ceiling was a broccoli green-haired, black-eyed, red-nosed, flower-crown and evergreen coat wearing, clown.

The clown gave the boys a lipsticked grin before he jumped from the ceiling.

“It’s so nice of you to stop by! We really could use some company!” Zuzu said, never once showing anything other than sheer, delirious happiness.

The boys froze, overcome by terror. All those years of thinking they were just stories, laughing about them with each other and then going to bed afterwards, all those years…they were wrong.

“Zeze! We have guests!” Zuzu said brightly.

They didn’t have to turn around, they already knew who would be there.

Zeze the clown, with yellow hair, a lime green party hat with teal polka-dots, snake eyes in bubblegum pink, a matching dress, blue and yellow striped tights, and Mary Janes. They knew what the clowns looked like, because the story was told so many times by the adults in Maven Hills unlucky to see their ghosts roam the streets as children.

“Hello there!” Zeze said. Her joyfulness had a note of pointed glass to it. She was louder and higher than Zuzu.

Thatwas enough for the boys to collect themselves and attempt to run away before Zuzu grabbed Raphael and Zeze grabbed Trevelyan.

They kicked furiouand screamed their lungs out, but nothing would work.

They were trapped.