z

Young Writers Society


12+

Cruel Fate

by spottedpebble


Remember when the Earth was round?

Those were the days, when nary a sight nor sound

Couldn't send you into a stupor, a splendor, a daze

Never stopping to ponder the world's wicked ways.

But now in the times when the world's fake and flat,

And tempers explode at the drop of a hat,

Not a day goes by

When someone doesn't cry,

"Why have you left me in this cruel world to die?!"

And falls onto their knees in a field nearby

Where even groundhogs and prairie dogs don't rear their heads

But leave the crying and dying to us clumsy bipeds.

Well, all's well that ends well, well this is the end

But nothing is well now, so: so long dead end.


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7 Reviews


Points: 31
Reviews: 7

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Sat Nov 11, 2023 8:13 pm
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RoseBalor wrote a review...



Poetry is not my thing but I do enjoy it from time to time. Yours caught my eye and I’m glad it did. Not too long but yet not short. It talks about how it once was and how we’ve only made this planet worse. It’s eye opening and makes you think about what we’ve done and even what we should do to prevent this from getting worse. It truly makes you think and even had me asking myself “What have we done? How can we prevent this from continuing m?” Bravo. Keep up the great writing!




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7 Reviews


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Reviews: 7

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Sun Oct 01, 2023 11:58 am
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anasahmad4565 says...



Your poetic composition paints a vivid picture of nostalgia, reflecting on simpler times when the world seemed round and innocent. The contrast between then and now, with mentions of a "fake and flat" world and the emotional turmoil people experience, adds depth to the poem. The use of rhyme and rhythm enhances its readability.

Overall, your poem captures a sense of disillusionment and longing for a more innocent past, and it effectively conveys a message about the complexities of the modern world. Well done!




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31 Reviews


Points: 448
Reviews: 31

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Sat Sep 30, 2023 7:32 pm
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herbalhour wrote a review...



review tiem!! :D

FIRSTLY: THINGS I LIKED
The way this touches on how the world is so caught up in clickbait and fake news is really touching, and thats something unique to me i guess. The rhyming isn't just pulled out of a random generator, and makes sense (at least to me.) my favorite line is most likely "Where even groundhogs and prarie dogs dont rear their heads" Which referrs nicely to how they are always looking around.

SECONDLY: THINGS THAT COULD USE IMPROVEMENT
Nothing really. Maybe avoiding shorter sentences like "Not a day goes by/When someone doesn't cry." Would most likely work better as one sentence.

THIRDLY: CONCLUSION.
I think i touched on everything I wanted to say!! Really beautiful poem

-TEA!!! :P




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26 Reviews


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Reviews: 26

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Sat Sep 30, 2023 6:24 pm
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envy wrote a review...



i feel this poem in my chest. its strikingly real.

its like taking a trip down memory lane. the language reminisces about a time when things were simpler & the world felt "round." its a beautiful contrast with todays world & perceived society. there are so many emotions present, mostly frustration & anger. ive felt some fear throughout too.

your poem has a nice rhythm to it & the rhymes add an almost musical touch. your language paints a vivid image of someone falling to their knees in a field, overwhelmed by the harshness of the world. its very metaphorical, but thats something very relevant to todays world & culture. id suggest adding more targeted imagery to make those images more powerful though.

this is very heartfelt. it captures the contrast between past & present very well. keep an eye on sensory details though. they can make or break a poem.

envy






Okay, thanks!



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122 Reviews


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Sat Sep 30, 2023 10:47 am
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GengarIsBestBoy wrote a review...



Happy RevMo! Gengar here to leave a review!
Image

General Impression:

I think this is a very relevant poem, especially in today’s day and age; it really sucks to find out an influencer or youtuber you like is actually a really horrible person.

What I Liked:

I think you have a strong sense of character voice; the language used makes it sound more like an older poem, which gives the effect that the speaker has seen the days where the world wasn’t fake. I also really like the imagery and symbolism. Nice job!

Areas of Improvement:

But nothing is well now, so so long dead end.


I think that the repetition at the end could be confusing for some readers. I get what you were trying to do, but it was not initially obvious upon the first read. Maybe try putting a colon between the two so’s?

I hope my review could be helpful. I wish you a good day/night!
—GengarIsBestBoy






Thanks for the feedback! I was unsure how to make the two so's clear to read and I hoped that someone would have some good advice on how to fix them. Thank you for coming up with a solution! :)



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211 Reviews


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Sat Sep 30, 2023 12:19 am
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EllieMae wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

HELLO THERE! Ellie Mae here for another review! I hope you are having a great day!! Let's get right into it:

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This was really beautiful. It makes me remember my childhood when things were so much more simple. We didnt need to worry about all of the complex issues in the world and I could just live more freely. As you say, "Never stopping to ponder the world's wicked ways.". You mention the world now being fake and flat, when it used to be round. I love your use of symbolism and how it shows a transformation of simplicity to complexity, childhood to adulthood, and authenticity to fakeness. This is really beautiful! I myself consider myself to be a symbolism addict haha. I love how you are able to use that here and how prevalent it is in your writing.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements

I am a little curious about the last two lines, "Well, all's well that ends well, well this is the end But nothing is well now, so so long dead end." Is the repetition of the word 'so' twice in a row on purpose? And the word 'well'. Its a little hard for me to wrap my brain around the ending and what you are trying to say :)

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
This piece is so incredibly rich and full of symbolism! It is BEAUTIFUL!!!!! I LOVE IT! seriously, gorgeous. The line, "Couldn't send you into a stupor, a splendor, a daze" is perfect! and your use of rhyme for the words days and ways was done super well *taking notes for my own poetry haha*

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Thanks for posting this!!! I look forward to reading more of your poetry!! I hope you have a great rest of your night :)
-Ellie Mae






:) I did use well and so twice in a row because I liked the way it sounded when I read it out loud, haha.



EllieMae says...


ah that makes total sense! i think it sounds really great!
-Ellie



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27 Reviews


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Reviews: 27

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Fri Sep 29, 2023 11:55 pm
spottedpebble says...



(dead end as in dead end street, not X__X dead)





Nothing says criminal activity like strong bones. ;)
— Magebird