Young Writers Society

Wow, great volatile emotion here- I do agree with whoever it was up there that said it needed more sensory elements. I didn't feel locked out necessarily, just left in want of more detail. Great words and expression. There were a few minor grammatical and spelling mistakes, but those are easily fixed. Just brush up on those and maybe add some more embellishment. You've got a great piece in the works here- keep it up!


~Jess

Hey there. I liked this poem. It was deep, emotional, and captivating. Nice job. I like how you tell what the people are saying without writing, "they said". Instead you wrote "shouts of" or something like. I can't say I fully understood the meaning of it, but I'm guessing someone was in a car crash and someone else was mad? Or a divorce? But anyway.

Because he’s screaming #FF0000 ">to

As she screams
“You’re heartless-a monster” #8000BF ">If these are all one person talking, you don't need end quotes until the last part.
“And I am a liar, but I can admit it” #8000BF ">Punctuation here.
“What about you?”
He can’t hear her
Because he’s screaming to #8000BF ">Toom and put a period here.

“You never cared at all” #8000BF ">Again, get rid of these quotes until they're done talking.
“I should have known back then” #8000BF ">Add punctuation.
“That you’d do this to us especially our kid” #8000BF ">Same as above.
They continue shouting, but don’t feel a thing
As I take every punch, holding on for the end #8000BF ">Period.

I’m crying, I’m trying, and dying #8000BF ">This is a good line.
Hearing the two of you breaking
Our house of glass, way to fragile
To be struck by your heartless words
But don’t worry, I’ll be just fine
Sitting here behind breaking glass

In the end you got what you wanted#8000BF ">Semicolin?
You broke the unity
But at the price of shattering me #8000BF ">Period.

While we all could see this coming
In these suburban ways #8000BF ">These two lines need a verb or something to sound grammatically correct.
Look perfect while breaking inside
And while they broke one another #8000BF ">I don't know where the sentences end or start.
I had nowhere to hide behind
Broken suburban glass

I disagree with housecat's assertion that you have to wrap all the quotation in a single quotes. I read it as three separate statements that are not necessarily spoken by the same person. So... i'd keep it the way it is. IMHO.

I don't know, I thought it lacked interesting details. I wanted more and it wasn't there so I got sorta bored. I understand it's about sort of this domestic situation, I get it, parents fighting or something, but I wanted MORE DETAIL. Sensory information... I'd like to get INTO the poem, but here i felt locked out.

Best,

So I'm assuming that this is possibly about your parents fighting, or abusing you. I like the way it was worded, but there are a couple errors.

snowberry23 wrote:As she screams
“You’re heartless--a monster
And I am a liar, but I can admit it.
What about you?” You only need to put quotation marks at the beginning of her speech, and at the very end. They don't need to be on every stanza.
He can’t hear her
Because he’s screaming too

“You never cared at all! Since he's screaming, I think this would be better with an explanation mark.
“I should have known back then
That you’d do this to us, especially our kid.”
They continue shouting, but don’t feel a thing. I don't exactly understand this. Are they ignoring each others words? Are they carelessly hurting each other? Try to give us a hint.
As I take every punch, holding on for the end.

I’m crying, I’m trying, and dying
Hearing the two of you breaking
Our house of glass, way too fragile
To be struck by your heartless words.
But don’t worry, I’ll be just fine
Sitting here behind breaking glass Could you possibly make this past tense? Or in other words, " The broken glass". it would sound better.

In the end you got what you wanted
You broke the unity
But at the price of shattering me I just wanted to say that this stanza is absolutely fabulous.

While we all could see this coming
In these suburban ways,
Look perfect while breaking inside
And while they broke one another
I had nowhere to hide behind
Broken suburban glass