Hi there! This was a very interesting piece, and I look forward to reading further.
I agree with what previous reviewers have said, but I have a few nitpicks of my own. I try not to repeat, but if I do, I apologize in advance. I know that gets a little frustrating.
As has been said, don't explain your story to us. Your writing, as the story progresses, should do that for you. Also, you need to decide on the number. Obviously, if you're going between seven and eight, the eighth one isn't absolutely necessary and I think that character will suffer developmentally.
Now on to your story.
Rain was falling in sheets soaking the world around them as they waited. The looming sky was a dark grey and its color matched the two girl’s mood.
I think a comma is in order to go between "sheets" and "soaking." I want to pause there as a reader. The second sentence I find a bit awkward. It could just be me, in which case, just ignore me. I think you could make it flow better. Perhaps: "The looming sky was a dark grey, its colour matching the two girls' moods." Here, I'm not sure if "mood" should be plural or not. I always have trouble with that. I'm pretty sure it should be plural. If they shared something between them, like a dog, then it would be "the girls' dog." They each have their own mood, but they're both the same: gloomy, so I don't know. Please excuse my thinking out loud.
Her big blues eyes made you think of the deep depths of the ocean and they were at the moment filled with doubt.
This is the first and only second person you have in the entire chapter. It sort of threw me off. Maybe: "Her big blue eyes, filled with doubt at the moment, resembled the ocean depths." That way, you get rid of repeats like "deep depths." But you should do whatever you want.
She again wondered why her sister had brought them here, it didn’t make any sense.
You have just passed a sign that said: "Welcome to the mystical land of run-ons." I'm a frequent visitor myself. This is easily fixed by replacing your comma with a period (capitalizing the next word), adding a conjunction after the comma, or simply changing the comma into a semicolon. I would recommend the last one in this particular sentence.
Shivering she looked over at Alex who was staring out the windows to an apartment complex across the street.
I think you could put a comma after "shivering." It would make more sense, in my opinion, to replace "to and apartment..." with "at an apartment..."
Three hours ago they had walked in here and Alex had picked a spot on the window seats curled up and stared at the large doors.
I stumbled over this sentence a few times before I actually got it through my head. I think you've tried to pack too much action into it. Personally, I would write: "Three hours ago, they had walked in and Alex curled up on the window seats, staring at the large doors." That's just me, but play with it a bit.
A loud thunder clap made her jump to her feet but when she looked Alex still sat perfectly still holding her arms around her legs, chin resting on her knees. It was really starting to creep her out and she leaned over trying to look at her face. Lightning flashed illuminating the whole sky along with her sister’s face. She jumped back her hand over her mouth, Alex’s eyes had been completely black.
The first sentence seems a bit cluttered. I would take out some words that aren't really vital. "...jump to her feet, but Alex sat perfectly still, holding..."
The beginning of the second sentence seems...out of place, or something. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe I just don't like the phrase "creep her out." That could just be my personal insanity.
Jamie's waist length hair that cascaded in a waterfall of pastel colored blond ringlets was drenched and her head felt fifty pounds heavier.
The fifty pounds detail seemed a little too unrealistic for me. Maybe her head could just tilt under the weight or something. I'm just thinking, my dog weighs 24 pounds... I do like the pastel-coloured detail though. Nice touch. (this is as close as I could get to a "thumbs up" smilie. His thumbs are up.
.Alex looked at her little sister and for a moment thought about telling her everything, about her visions and dreams, about a long lost brother who may help them, but she didn’t
I don't know if I like this sentence. I think it gives us too much of a preview. I don't know. It's fully up to you.
Jamie squished herself against the wall and most of the rain stopped hitting her.
I love the verb "squished" here. It made me smile. However, the second half of the sentence is a little choppy. I would say: "...against the wall, safe from most of the rain." I don't know. You could probably think of something better.
Push the button, it’s now or never. Just do it you know how it turns out. Alex told herself as she reached up a shaking hand to press the intercom button with a long trembling finger.
When I first read this, I thought: "What button? I didn't see a button anywhere!" I read the previous paragraph again, and then realized that there was and intercom in the next sentence. I would introduce it earlier. Maybe have Alex stare at it nervously or something.
She remembered her dream and knew he was looking around wondering if that was his buzzer. She hit it again knowing he would stand up and look down at his blue jeans and t-shirt then walk quietly to his bedroom dresser and pick up one of the hand guns that rested there.
I wouldn't use a pronoun before introducing the antecedent. I might say: "She remembered her dream and knew the man inside was looking around, wondering..."
“Who is this…”
um..why the ellipsis? I would use a question mark. There's no indication that he was cut short or trailed off.
“Who in the hell wants to know!”
Omit the "in."
Alex grimaced at the angry voice and then she remembered he was some kind of cop, she had seen it.
We're back in Run-on land! This time, I'd just make "She had seen it" its very own, special sentence. It's a very nice effect.
He probably thinks we’re here to murder him.
Why?
“My name is Alexandra, I knew you’re father.”
That comma desperately wants to be a period.
I never had anything to do with him why should I care about anything you have to say?”
Period after "him" and capital "Why."
Alex sat watching Colt walk around the small kitchen, his huge form intimidated her slightly but she knew she had weapons she could use if she had to.
Run-on! I think you can fix it.
At somewhere around six foot five he stood taller than most people she’d ever seen and she saw the thick muscle around his chest and shoulders.
When you start a sentence with a prepositional phrase, it is always followed by a comma. The previous sentence is an example.
It’s pale grey walls and dark green accessories gave a manly appearance, it had four rooms, the kitchen and living room were joined in a big open area.
I don't know why, but "manly" has a comical connotation for me. I would use "masculine."
But then again…if what I’m seeing is true than she will have to grow up fast.
"Than" should be "then," but I would replace it with a comma anyway.
How in the hell could he have sisters
I'm not sure, but I think you can omit "the" and capitalize the "H." I'm really not certain about that, though.
My father didn’t even know I existed!
Why the sudden change to first person?
She shook her head as she swallowed the drink of coco she had just taken.
Was that a "no" shake? If so, was it because she wanted him to call her "Alex?" I was a little confused on that. Also, the second part of the sentence was a little wordy. "...swallowed a mouthful of cocoa." is what I would write. Again, that's just my opinion.
“So what if I am…That doesn’t explain why you’re here.”
Again, I think a question mark is more appropriate than an ellipses.
“My dad, our dad is dead. Along with my mom, the cops wrote it off as an accident, but it wasn’t.
Here, I think a dash would be more effective than a comma in the first sentence.. It's a more sophisticated punctuation that implicates a pause. After "dead" I would put a comma, followed by a lower case "along." After "mom" you can place a period.
“We, my sister and I, there wasn’t anyone to take us and they wanted to separate us.
This sentence is tough. It's a run-on, but I don't think you could make it grammatically correct in this format. If it were me, I would break it up completely. "'We, my sister and I.' Alex gulped. 'There wasn't...'" But you should do it however you feel is most effective.
He looked at her and knew, she had broken eye contact. A sure sign of a lie or guilt, he leaned on the counter saying.
I would get rid of "and knew," replace the first comma with a period, the first period with a colon, and the second comma with a period as well. It makes the most grammatical sense to me that way.
He couldn’t help it his heart went out to the kid that was his only weakness, his big heart.
Run-on land! I would say: "He couldn't help it. His heart went out to the kid. That was his only weakness: his big heart."
A kind heart in his business good get you killed.
Perhaps that was supposed to be "could get you killed?"
She looked at him from the corner of her eye, past the curtain of dark hair.
It was then that he somehow knew that his life would never be the same.
To me, this feels like you needed a good ending sentence. It's basically a repeat of what Alex just said, so I would get rid of it completely.
P.S. Thanks for reading Merry Christmas
Is that why it's in green?
Overall comments:
I really did enjoy this piece. I like your characters, and it's a great opening.
You're two main grammatical errors are run-ons and the absence of commas.
-Run-ons:
I left a lot of these unmentioned. A lot of people have it in their heads that a run-on must be really long, but that isn't true! A run-on can be as simple as "She stayed I left." A quick way to spot your run-ons: If you can make more than one complete sentence out of it, there's your run-on. EX:
"Call me Alex" has a subject and a verb, so it's a complete sentence. "Everyone does" is also a complete sentence, so this is a run-on. Separate them somehow, for two independent clauses can't occupy the same sentence. It's kind of like that "This town ain't big enough for the two of us" type thing.“Call me Alex, everyone does.”
-Commas
As for commas, if a character performs an action, and then performs another with an -ing tail, there is most likely a comma there. EX:
So Colt places his hands on the counter. Then he stares at the girls. This calls for a comma!Colt placed his hands on the counter staring at the two uninvited girls in his home.
Please correct me if any of the above comma stuff is wrong, but that's how I learned it.
Other than that, you have a wonderful story sprouting here. Let me know when you have more! If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to PM me.
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