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Young Writers Society



Hidden Wars~ I think this is the name I want. Maybe.

by rustic_rebel


Hey I'm not sure about the name my sister thought of it and it kinda fits in with the story so... Anyway I wanted to get some suggestions on that. This story is about seven or eight (not totally sure yet) gifted kids who have powers. They first must meet and than they figure out that they are the desendents of supernatural creatures and magical humans. They also find that there is a tear in our realm that releases monsters and they must try and stop it. Blah Blah Blah, anyway I promise I am going to try and fill it in with interesting plot twists, origanal people and creative ideas. Not just the typical save-the-world-happy-ending non-sense. Okay I will shutup now and get on with it. Thank you~ Keira

~*~Hidden Wars~*~ Chapter one--

Rain was falling in sheets soaking the world around them as they waited. The looming sky was a dark grey and its color matched the two girl’s mood.

“Alex, what are we waiting on?”

The youngest one asked, she was pretty and almost as tall as the dark haired woman that was seated beside her. Though from the cute pixyish face with high round cheeks you could tell she was younger. Her big blues eyes made you think of the deep depths of the ocean and they were at the moment filled with doubt. She sighed, looking around with those big lost eyes. They were in a laundry mat, the only two in the dimly lit shop. She again wondered why her sister had brought them here, it didn’t make any sense. But Alex was the one who had kept them together when their parents had died five months ago. Her heart felt that old familiar weight settle back down on it. Shivering she looked over at Alex who was staring out the windows to an apartment complex across the street. Three hours ago they had walked in here and Alex had picked a spot on the window seats curled up and stared at the large doors. She had long since ceased talking and the younger girl had started watching the clouds slowly block out the sunlight. A loud thunder clap made her jump to her feet but when she looked Alex still sat perfectly still holding her arms around her legs, chin resting on her knees. It was really starting to creep her out and she leaned over trying to look at her face. Lightning flashed illuminating the whole sky along with her sister’s face. She jumped back her hand over her mouth, Alex’s eyes had been completely black.

“Jamie, it’s time lets go.”

Alex rose looking at Jamie even though her dark grey eyes were far away. Jamie coughed swallowing the lump that had caught in her throat.

“Alex, its pouring rain out there! And it’s freezing! I don't feel the need to freeze to death.”

The Alex she knew finally surfaced as the older girl rolled her eyes took Jamie's hand roughly and pulled her to the doors.

“Don’t be such a baby!”

They stepped out onto the street and almost instantly got soaked to the bone. Jamie's waist length hair that cascaded in a waterfall of pastel colored blond ringlets was drenched and her head felt fifty pounds heavier. Alex’s small flannel shirt was dripping and she was shivering when they got to the other side of the deserted street. Alex looked at her little sister and for a moment thought about telling her everything, about her visions and dreams, about a long lost brother who may help them, but she didn’t. Jamie was still just a kid she didn’t need more on her shoulders than she already had.

“Here, stand under the overhang.”

Alex told her and Jamie squished herself against the wall and most of the rain stopped hitting her. Her lips were trembling and turning slightly blue. But she saw that there wasn’t enough room for two and hollered out above the rain drops hitting the tin roof.

“What about you?”

Alex shrugged and bravely attempted a smile.

“I fine, you know I love the rain.”

Jamie rolled her eyes but the effect was somewhat diminished by her wet stringy hair and chattering teeth. She mumbled something and Alex narrowed her eyes at her. Suddenly Alex straightened up as though bracing for something. Jamie watched her curiously blowing air into her cold hands rubbing them together for warmth.

Push the button, it’s now or never. Just do it you know how it turns out. Alex told herself as she reached up a shaking hand to press the intercom button with a long trembling finger. She remembered her dream and knew he was looking around wondering if that was his buzzer. She hit it again knowing he would stand up and look down at his blue jeans and t-shirt then walk quietly to his bedroom dresser and pick up one of the hand guns that rested there. She closed her eyes remembering what happened next. His finger pressed on the key pad taking a deep breath before asking. She heard the crackling and smiled, she had been right again. Further proof she could see the future.

“Who is this…”

Jamie over at Alex surprise on her features Alex nodded mouthing I know, he sounded just like her father had.

“Please…is your name Colton? Colton Winchester?”

Alex asked into the mouth piece and waited.

“Who in the hell wants to know!”

Alex grimaced at the angry voice and then she remembered he was some kind of cop, she had seen it. He probably thinks we’re here to murder him. And she whispered into the mike barely being heard over the rain.

“My name is Alexandra, I knew you’re father.”

She closed her eyes picturing him rubbing his chin. Finally after what seemed like forever she heard him say.

“Ya and what about him! I never had anything to do with him why should I care about anything you have to say?”

Alex paused holding her head and Jamie silently put things together in her mind. Just as everything clicked for her Alex said what she was thinking.

“I don’t know if you will care or not but…but I…I think we’re your sisters.”

Jamie stepped out from under her shelter and grabbed her sister’s hand standing beside her. Five minutes later he still hadn’t answered and the rain was coming down even harder. Jamie whispered to Alex.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Alex just hung her head even lower and Jamie could tell she was whispering something she couldn’t make out. Then the doors opened slowly and both girls turned to see a man who looked very much like their father. He quickly looked them over with his dark eyes and opened the door wide enough for them to pass through.

“This had better not be some kind of sick joke.”

And they both nodded as they walked under his arm and into the dry.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alex sat watching Colt walk around the small kitchen, his huge form intimidated her slightly but she knew she had weapons she could use if she had to. At somewhere around six foot five he stood taller than most people she’d ever seen and she saw the thick muscle around his chest and shoulders. Yet he moved gracefully, his presence was noticeable not demanding attention but Alex felt if he wanted to he could certainly get your attention. She watched as he touched the kettle that was warming up water for hot coco. It burnt him and she heard him curse, she smiled and looked away not wanting him to see her laughing. Standing up she moved to the disheveled bookshelf and ran her long fingers over the titles. She shook her head as she heard him muttering mutinously to the poor kettle. His apartment was really very nice, it even had one of those elevator lifts that opened to his living room. It’s pale grey walls and dark green accessories gave a manly appearance, it had four rooms, the kitchen and living room were joined in a big open area. To the right was the master bedroom and a bath, and on the other side was a small room that doubled as an office and guest room. Sighing she turned away from the dusty unused book shelf she found her sister who lay on the sofa. The even rise and fall of Jamie's chest told Alex that she was asleep, and for a moment Alex felt the tears well up. Maybe…maybe I’m asking too much from her…she is only a kid. But then again…if what I’m seeing is true than she will have to grow up fast.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Colt placed his hands on the counter staring at the two uninvited girls in his home. The younger one was asleep and the dark haired one was placing a worn out blanket from one of their bags over her. He watched as she smoothed Jamie’s hair before standing back up straight, unaware he had finished the drinks and was now sizing her up. His mind was trained to see threats, to notice things before others did, it’s what kept him alive, what made him the best. Right now all of his brain was screaming at him that these two little girls were the biggest piece of trouble he’d ever had. Sisters! How in the hell could he have sisters and what did they want with him? My father didn’t even know I existed! His eyes narrowed as the dark haired one looked up meeting his gaze evenly, it chilled him because it felt as though this girl knew what he was, and that his secret was laid out before her stormy grey eyes.

“Here.”

He said roughly pushing a coffee mug filled with hot chocolate towards her. Alex took the cup placing it under her face letting the steam warm her face. She closed her eyes for a moment and when she opened them again he was staring at her, calm, waiting.

“Alexandra huh?”

She shook her head as she swallowed the drink of coco she had just taken.

“Call me Alex, everyone does.”

He nodded still staring, piercing her with those green eyes. Alex took another sip of the hot liquid. He raised one eyebrow at her and she sighed putting her cup down placing her palms on the counter top looking directly into his eyes.

“Okay I’m going to cut to the chase. I know you’re our brother. Got it?”

She said it directly and forcefully and he only nodded waiting to hear the whole story.

“So what if I am…That doesn’t explain why you’re here.”

Alex clenched her fists as she went on.

“My dad, our dad is dead. Along with my mom, the cops wrote it off as an accident, but it wasn’t. I don’t know how you play into this but I found records and things that he kept about you.”

Colton popped his knuckles on his right hand and for a moment Alex was afraid, she rushed on.

“We, my sister and I, there wasn’t anyone to take us and they wanted to separate us. I couldn’t let that happen. We have been on the run for the past three months. We need a place to rest, for a while, until I turn eighteen at least.”

She looked away from him, afraid that he would see through her, that he would know she wasn’t telling him the whole truth.

He looked at her and knew, she had broken eye contact. A sure sign of a lie or guilt, he leaned on the counter saying.

“And…your sure…that’s all you have to tell me?”

She looked up at him and he saw the surprise flicker in her grey eyes just briefly. Her shoulders slumped and she whispered.

“You wouldn’t believe me even if I told you…no one would…no one did.”

He couldn’t help it his heart went out to the kid that was his only weakness, his big heart. A kind heart in his business good get you killed. She fiddled with the rim of her mug staring at the coco that was cooling.

“You could always try me.”

She looked at him from the corner of her eye past the curtain of dark hair. And for that one split second she thought about telling him, to trust someone else with the burden she carried but she knew she couldn’t, not yet. It would ruin everything.

“Look we need to stay in one place a couple of days, we can’t keep going like this. Can we or not?”

He sighed running his hands through his hair. Then he steeled himself making his own green eyes meet her grey ones.

“You can stay tonight, mostly because I don’t want to get out in the rain again. After that we’ll see.”

She studied him for a moment but decided not to push it. Alex nodded standing with her mug to walk over to Jamie. Slowly she looked back over her shoulder to where he still rested against the counter. She swallowed as she realized he was about to get his life changed forever because of her.

“Thank you…Colt. I know this is where we are supposed to be but…I’m not sure if I want to be.”

Colton looked at her slowly shaking his head making his dark blond hair to move softly as he met her gaze. It was then that he somehow knew that his life would never be the same.

P.S. Thanks for reading Merry Christmas


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Fri Dec 25, 2009 3:46 am
Searria H. wrote a review...



Hi there! This was a very interesting piece, and I look forward to reading further. :D
I agree with what previous reviewers have said, but I have a few nitpicks of my own. :D I try not to repeat, but if I do, I apologize in advance. I know that gets a little frustrating. :D

As has been said, don't explain your story to us. Your writing, as the story progresses, should do that for you. Also, you need to decide on the number. Obviously, if you're going between seven and eight, the eighth one isn't absolutely necessary and I think that character will suffer developmentally. :D

Now on to your story. :D

Rain was falling in sheets soaking the world around them as they waited. The looming sky was a dark grey and its color matched the two girl’s mood.

I think a comma is in order to go between "sheets" and "soaking." I want to pause there as a reader. The second sentence I find a bit awkward. It could just be me, in which case, just ignore me. :D I think you could make it flow better. Perhaps: "The looming sky was a dark grey, its colour matching the two girls' moods." Here, I'm not sure if "mood" should be plural or not. I always have trouble with that. I'm pretty sure it should be plural. If they shared something between them, like a dog, then it would be "the girls' dog." They each have their own mood, but they're both the same: gloomy, so I don't know. Please excuse my thinking out loud. :oops:

Her big blues eyes made you think of the deep depths of the ocean and they were at the moment filled with doubt.

This is the first and only second person you have in the entire chapter. It sort of threw me off. Maybe: "Her big blue eyes, filled with doubt at the moment, resembled the ocean depths." That way, you get rid of repeats like "deep depths." But you should do whatever you want. :D

She again wondered why her sister had brought them here, it didn’t make any sense.

You have just passed a sign that said: "Welcome to the mystical land of run-ons." ;) I'm a frequent visitor myself. This is easily fixed by replacing your comma with a period (capitalizing the next word), adding a conjunction after the comma, or simply changing the comma into a semicolon. I would recommend the last one in this particular sentence. :D

Shivering she looked over at Alex who was staring out the windows to an apartment complex across the street.

I think you could put a comma after "shivering." It would make more sense, in my opinion, to replace "to and apartment..." with "at an apartment..." :D

Three hours ago they had walked in here and Alex had picked a spot on the window seats curled up and stared at the large doors.

I stumbled over this sentence a few times before I actually got it through my head. :D I think you've tried to pack too much action into it. Personally, I would write: "Three hours ago, they had walked in and Alex curled up on the window seats, staring at the large doors." That's just me, but play with it a bit. :elephant:

A loud thunder clap made her jump to her feet but when she looked Alex still sat perfectly still holding her arms around her legs, chin resting on her knees. It was really starting to creep her out and she leaned over trying to look at her face. Lightning flashed illuminating the whole sky along with her sister’s face. She jumped back her hand over her mouth, Alex’s eyes had been completely black.

The first sentence seems a bit cluttered. I would take out some words that aren't really vital. :D "...jump to her feet, but Alex sat perfectly still, holding..."
The beginning of the second sentence seems...out of place, or something. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe I just don't like the phrase "creep her out." That could just be my personal insanity. :wink:

Jamie's waist length hair that cascaded in a waterfall of pastel colored blond ringlets was drenched and her head felt fifty pounds heavier.

The fifty pounds detail seemed a little too unrealistic for me. Maybe her head could just tilt under the weight or something. I'm just thinking, my dog weighs 24 pounds... :D I do like the pastel-coloured detail though. Nice touch. :smt102 (this is as close as I could get to a "thumbs up" smilie. His thumbs are up. :D

Alex looked at her little sister and for a moment thought about telling her everything, about her visions and dreams, about a long lost brother who may help them, but she didn’t
.
I don't know if I like this sentence. I think it gives us too much of a preview. I don't know. It's fully up to you. :D

Jamie squished herself against the wall and most of the rain stopped hitting her.

I love the verb "squished" here. It made me smile. :D However, the second half of the sentence is a little choppy. I would say: "...against the wall, safe from most of the rain." I don't know. You could probably think of something better. :D

Push the button, it’s now or never. Just do it you know how it turns out. Alex told herself as she reached up a shaking hand to press the intercom button with a long trembling finger.

When I first read this, I thought: "What button? I didn't see a button anywhere!" I read the previous paragraph again, and then realized that there was and intercom in the next sentence. I would introduce it earlier. Maybe have Alex stare at it nervously or something. :D

She remembered her dream and knew he was looking around wondering if that was his buzzer. She hit it again knowing he would stand up and look down at his blue jeans and t-shirt then walk quietly to his bedroom dresser and pick up one of the hand guns that rested there.

I wouldn't use a pronoun before introducing the antecedent. I might say: "She remembered her dream and knew the man inside was looking around, wondering..."

“Who is this…”

um..why the ellipsis? I would use a question mark. There's no indication that he was cut short or trailed off.

“Who in the hell wants to know!”

Omit the "in."

Alex grimaced at the angry voice and then she remembered he was some kind of cop, she had seen it.

We're back in Run-on land! This time, I'd just make "She had seen it" its very own, special sentence. It's a very nice effect. :D

He probably thinks we’re here to murder him.

Why?


“My name is Alexandra, I knew you’re father.”

That comma desperately wants to be a period. ;)

I never had anything to do with him why should I care about anything you have to say?”

Period after "him" and capital "Why."

Alex sat watching Colt walk around the small kitchen, his huge form intimidated her slightly but she knew she had weapons she could use if she had to.

Run-on! I think you can fix it. :D

At somewhere around six foot five he stood taller than most people she’d ever seen and she saw the thick muscle around his chest and shoulders.

When you start a sentence with a prepositional phrase, it is always followed by a comma. The previous sentence is an example. :D

It’s pale grey walls and dark green accessories gave a manly appearance, it had four rooms, the kitchen and living room were joined in a big open area.

I don't know why, but "manly" has a comical connotation for me. I would use "masculine."

But then again…if what I’m seeing is true than she will have to grow up fast.

"Than" should be "then," but I would replace it with a comma anyway. :D

How in the hell could he have sisters

I'm not sure, but I think you can omit "the" and capitalize the "H." I'm really not certain about that, though.

My father didn’t even know I existed!

Why the sudden change to first person?

She shook her head as she swallowed the drink of coco she had just taken.

Was that a "no" shake? If so, was it because she wanted him to call her "Alex?" I was a little confused on that. Also, the second part of the sentence was a little wordy. "...swallowed a mouthful of cocoa." is what I would write. Again, that's just my opinion.

“So what if I am…That doesn’t explain why you’re here.”

Again, I think a question mark is more appropriate than an ellipses.

“My dad, our dad is dead. Along with my mom, the cops wrote it off as an accident, but it wasn’t.

Here, I think a dash would be more effective than a comma in the first sentence.. It's a more sophisticated punctuation that implicates a pause. After "dead" I would put a comma, followed by a lower case "along." After "mom" you can place a period.

“We, my sister and I, there wasn’t anyone to take us and they wanted to separate us.

This sentence is tough. It's a run-on, but I don't think you could make it grammatically correct in this format. If it were me, I would break it up completely. "'We, my sister and I.' Alex gulped. 'There wasn't...'" But you should do it however you feel is most effective. :D

He looked at her and knew, she had broken eye contact. A sure sign of a lie or guilt, he leaned on the counter saying.

I would get rid of "and knew," replace the first comma with a period, the first period with a colon, and the second comma with a period as well. It makes the most grammatical sense to me that way. :D

He couldn’t help it his heart went out to the kid that was his only weakness, his big heart.

Run-on land! I would say: "He couldn't help it. His heart went out to the kid. That was his only weakness: his big heart."

A kind heart in his business good get you killed.

Perhaps that was supposed to be "could get you killed?"

She looked at him from the corner of her eye, past the curtain of dark hair.


It was then that he somehow knew that his life would never be the same.

To me, this feels like you needed a good ending sentence. It's basically a repeat of what Alex just said, so I would get rid of it completely. :D

P.S. Thanks for reading Merry Christmas

:lol: Is that why it's in green?

Overall comments:

I really did enjoy this piece. I like your characters, and it's a great opening.

You're two main grammatical errors are run-ons and the absence of commas.
-Run-ons:
I left a lot of these unmentioned. A lot of people have it in their heads that a run-on must be really long, but that isn't true! A run-on can be as simple as "She stayed I left." A quick way to spot your run-ons: If you can make more than one complete sentence out of it, there's your run-on. EX:
“Call me Alex, everyone does.”
"Call me Alex" has a subject and a verb, so it's a complete sentence. "Everyone does" is also a complete sentence, so this is a run-on. Separate them somehow, for two independent clauses can't occupy the same sentence. It's kind of like that "This town ain't big enough for the two of us" type thing. :D
-Commas
As for commas, if a character performs an action, and then performs another with an -ing tail, there is most likely a comma there. EX:
Colt placed his hands on the counter staring at the two uninvited girls in his home.
So Colt places his hands on the counter. Then he stares at the girls. This calls for a comma!
Please correct me if any of the above comma stuff is wrong, but that's how I learned it. :D

Other than that, you have a wonderful story sprouting here. :D Let me know when you have more! If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to PM me. :D




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Thu Dec 24, 2009 4:23 am
MeadowLark wrote a review...



Hiya there!

This story is about seven or eight (not totally sure yet) gifted kids who have powers. They first must meet and than they figure out that they are the desendents of supernatural creatures and magical humans. They also find that there is a tear in our realm that releases monsters and they must try and stop it.


You shouldn’t post what your story is about. Your story is supposed to show your reader what it’s about. So I would edit the above out ;)

The looming sky was a dark grey and its color matched the two girl’s mood.


It should be girls’ since there are two of girls.

“Alex, what are we waiting on?”
The youngest one asked,


This should be one paragraph with the T being uncapitalized. The one character is speaking and the dialogue tag should come either right before or after the dialogue. Not in the next paragraph.

Also? Waiting on? Wouldn’t you mean waiting for?

she was pretty and almost as tall as the dark haired woman that was seated beside her. Though from the cute pixyish face with high round cheeks you could tell she was younger. Her big blues eyes made you think of the deep depths of the ocean and they were at the moment filled with doubt.


This part could be in the paragraph I suggested you create above ^ since you are describing the character who had been speaking.

She sighed, looking around with those big lost eyes.


I would nix the part after the comma. Unless you want to describe how her heavy sigh showed her impatience.

They were in a laundry mat, the only two in the dimly lit shop.


Except a worker or two?

She again wondered why her sister had brought them here, it didn’t make any sense.


…brought them here, for it didn’t make any sense. Flows better when there is a for in there ;)

Alex rose looking at Jamie even though her dark grey eyes were far away.


If you read this sentence aloud you’ll find where a comma goes :P

They stepped out onto the street and almost instantly got soaked to the bone.


That fast? I’ve stepped out into the pouring rain and it takes well over a minute to get completely soaked.

Alex looked at her little sister and for a moment thought about telling her everything, about her visions and dreams, about a long lost brother who may help them, but she didn’t.


What? First I’ve heard of this. Hope you’re going to explain this *long* sentence more in the very near future.

“Here, stand under the overhang.”
Alex told her and Jamie squished herself against the wall and most of the rain stopped hitting her.


The dialogue should be in the same paragraph as the “Alex told her” part. I would then change the “and” to an “as” to make better sense.

Her lips were trembling and turning slightly blue.


Already? How long have they been in the rain for her lips to turn blue? I would believe it if it were -40 weather.

Push the button, it’s now or never. Just do it you know how it turns out.


Put this part in italics to show it’s the MC’s thoughts.

She closed her eyes picturing him rubbing his chin.


How does she see all of this?

And they both nodded as they walked under his arm and into the dry.


Dry what? You just leave us hanging? Although we know but still..

Maybe…maybe I’m asking too much from her…she is only a kid. But then again…if what I’m seeing is true than she will have to grow up fast.


Italics here too. Always put your character’s thoughts into italics when you’re writing in Third Person.

~~~~~

Very interesting and I like it already! However, there are a few things I would like to point out:

Paragraphs~ You have some rather large blocks (the second section there) of writing that should be split up into littler ones. Also, you need to put your dialogue tags and perhaps some of your character actions with your dialogue. I didn't point out all the places where you need to fix the dialogue and the tags. I figured you could find them :D

Characters~ At first I thought your characters were older, but it seemed Jamie sounded and acted way too young. But Alex I assumed was much older then eighteen. Apparently not. :P Also, make sure you put their thoughts into italics, as I've said before.

Description~ Pretty good in my books xD However, I feel like you skimmed over the fact that there was a speaker box type thingy. And aren’t there any cars on the street that they crossed?

Plot~ You gotta explain some things. Especially about how Alex knew Colt was their brother, when she found out, etc.

But I gotta cut this short so if you have any questions, PM me.

Meadow




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Tue Dec 22, 2009 7:20 pm
narniafreak12 wrote a review...



Hi! I'm Narniafreak! I hope my comments help!

Third paragraph [[the long one]] could be split up into smaller paragraphs so readers don’t have to feel overwhelmed reading it. Also, when you say so-and-so is talking but that tag onto the dialogue, not that next paragraph. There’s a couple other “long” paragraphs that need to be shortened [[the ones where they are with Colt]].

The youngest one asked, she was pretty and almost as tall as the dark haired woman that was seated beside her.

You could split this up, with “the youngest one asked” being moved up next to the dialogue, and starting a new sentence with “she”.
Jamie over at Alex surprise on her features Alex nodded mouthing I know, he sounded just like her father had.

I think you forgot a word. “look” should between Jamie and over right?
Also when Alex “mouths” something to Jamie, you used third person, and since she’s basically saying it you can use first person… “I know, he sounded just like our father.” Or something smiliar.
And they both nodded as they walked under his arm and into the dry.

Probably another forgotten word.. dry what?
Then the doors opened slowly and both girls turned to see a man who looked very much like their father.

How does he look like their father? Elaborate.

A sure sign of a lie or guilt, he leaned on the counter saying.

I’m a little confused. Is he thinking this part or saying it… because there’s no quotation marks but it says “saying”. Also, if it is his thoughts you could put them in italics like you did with Alex’s thoughts.

Also, I'm no expert on the matter, but I think they're are a few places where some comments could go if you want to give it a quick check.

Sounds good! I hope to find out what's really going on and how their lives are going to change! =]

-Narniafreak!

P.S. Merry Christmas to you too!





We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
— Ernest Hemingway