Young Writers Society

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Jamie, a vision in white. She was dressed in a low back, creamy white dress and she flaunted her amazing wings… Wings of an angel… The dress was floor length, and you could occasionally see a glint of the silver shoes she wore, and sometimes, if you were lucky, the diamond ring adorning her slender ankle#BF0000 ">. At only seventeen, #BF0000 ">she could easily pass for twenty one.
She strode gracefully toward the love of her life, and no matter how hard she fought it, she couldn’t stop the broad smile crossing her lips behind the veil.
Lucifer was wearing black pants, but his torso was left bare as his wings swayed gently. He was nineteen.
He turned to face her, flashing her an encouraging smile that said I want to be with you forever… I can’t believe you’re mine…
As she took another step, merely centimetres away from her soon to be husband, the doors crashed open and she spun around fearfully, backing away with wide eyes as the men invaded the church wielding knives, guns, and multitudes of other weapons.
She stumbled backwards to find herself in the arms of Lucifer, who planted a long, pained kiss on her lips before she noticed the tears forming in his eyes.
He pushed her away, and she tried to protest, but she was dragged back by the masses of screaming people.
She tried desperately to fight her way through the crowds back to her husband, and when she finally succeeded she threw her arms around his waist and refused to let go. #BF0080 ">Well, she's persistent... (*observation*)
He pulled her along, and pushed her back against a pillar hidden by curtains.
“I love you…” He kissed her lips once more before pushing her down the hall.
He had heard the men’s feet slamming against the wood floors of the church and he knew what was coming, he also knew that he had to save his wife.
He weaved a fireball and tried his best to fight back. #BF0080 ">I really think this portion has potential to be a lot... more than it is right now. What you need most right now is description. Instead of saying "he tried his best to fight back," tell us how. Readers do like a dramatic ending, and, well... it's a bit obvious he's not going to survive.
She turned around just in time to see her husband being shot in the chest, and even contemplated running back and begging them to kill her as well, but she needed to take care of her family, no matter how much it hurt#BF0000 ">. She forced herself to keep running, as they carried her husband’s lifeless corpse away, looking back at her but not bothering to chase after her.
The young bride, now a young widow, had tears flowing from her perfect eyes now, transforming them into a scene that could make even the strongest of people feel the greatest of sorrow.
She didn’t stop running, despite the pain shooting through her legs as she ran barefoot, shoes in hand, makeup running down her tear streaked face.
She finally found a place to stop and breathe when she noticed her bleeding, aching feet.
“Lucifer… I need you…” She sobbed.
She took a pained step out into the street where a horrifying sight awaited her. Bodies of the Shmettawing’s lay everywhere, broken, bleeding, burnt and twisted to the point where they were unidentifiable.
Their wings were shredded, some ripped off entirely. It scared her so much that she had to run her fingers through her wings just to make sure she hadn’t been caught, to make sure she still had her wings, the thing Lucifer first told her he liked about her. #BF0080 ">Interesting... she checks her wings. I actually liked that, it shows us her weakness/worry in a less 'tear-y' way?
It was a cute mistake on his part. Jamie and he sat around on the beach under a tree that offered shade from the burning midday sun. Everything was so perfect, the way the waves crashed against the pristine white sand.
“You… You have… Cute wings?” He stuttered.
At first, Jamie was shocked. He had been her best friend since she could remember and she never noticed any signs that they had something more, but she couldn’t suppress a giggle at his embarrassed look.
In reply, she gave him her first kiss.
She was sure he had already had plenty of kisses, all the girls in town loved him and were constantly swooning over him, and, on occasion, she found herself getting jealous of the girls that touched him, but shook the feeling soon enough.
They finally stopped denying that they had something more that friendship, admitted that what we had, what we felt for each other was special.
The days turned to weeks, weeks to months, and before the two of them knew it, it had already been a year since that day on the beach. #BF0080 ">As others have said, the flashback doesn't seem to belong here. You lose the reader's interest by putting it where it is. Maybe in later chapters, or if you'd continued it, but you might want to expand this chapter (get back to the action) or take out the flashback.

Heya.

I think this idea has some promise. This witch hunt for angels, or, as you called them, Shmettawings, has an interesting idea to it. Although I think you could polish up in a few areas.

The first thing I noticed were the names. "Lucifer" for an angel in black sets up an automatic anti-hero comparison, and I pretty much knew he was going to go under attack right from the start. It killed suspense for the fight later. Also made me roll my eyes a bit, because of the direct parallel to Christianity's fallen angels. You put a bit of a twist on it, but the damage was already done. You'll get this nearly automatically because you've named an angel "Lucifer."

Second thing I noticed were your visual metaphors in general. It was hard to not see a bunch of subtext of fallen angels and "pure" angels, the way your two characters were dressed. If such a plot does not happen, I'll feel like my expectation of the work was for naught. However, a straight-up visual metaphor like this needs some sort of twist really quickly. You have a bit of a twist: somehow, the white angel is still considered pure despite being with a dark angel. But I'd need a bit more than that as the story continues. You have a black/white metaphor, here, and I want to see what you do with it. Give it a purpose.

Also, you had a bit of an anomaly in your terms. The first time you mention Lucifer and Jamie's relationship, he's her husband-to-be. Immediately after, he's her husband. Pick one and stick to it, so readers aren't left reading back.

Finally, I'm not too thrilled to see this chapter going into a flashback. You have something very interesting happening now, with the witch hunt and the recent murder, but you're focusing too much on the romance. You've set up this hook, and you're not following up on it immediately. Wait until we know what in the world is going on before spending too much time on flashback. Right now, you haven't given us enough of what looks like your main conflict to be able to slip into flashbacks.

Overall, this has a lot of potential. But I'd focus a bit more on the action and a bit less on the romance for now. And try to make the white/black metaphor more complicated than just a visual contrast. I like the idea, but it could use a bit of polishing.

~Rosey

Hi! I'm Teardrop!

Mistakes are highlighted in red, and comments are in bold!

questcrewforever wrote:Jamie, a vision in white. I thought that the opening sentence could have been a bit more gripping, something that really pulls the reader in. She was dressed in a low back, no comma creamy white dress and she flaunted her amazing wings… #FF0000 ">Wings of an angel… The dress was floor length, and you could occasionally see a glint of the silver shoes she wore, and sometimes, if you were lucky, the diamond ring adorning her slender ankle, only seventeen, but could easily pass for twenty one. This sentence is way long, try and avoid run-on sentences.
She strode gracefully toward the love of her life, and no matter how hard she fought it, she couldn’t stop the broad smile crossing her lips behind the veil. Try not to overuse "she"
Lucifer was wearing black pants, but his torso was left bare as his wings swayed gently. He was nineteen. The age isn't nessesary really. Try and add some emotion and details to really paint a picture of the scene for the reader.
He turned to face her, flashing her an encouraging smile that said I want to be with you forever… I can’t believe you’re mine… His thoughts should be in italics or quotes.
As she took another step, merely #FF0000 ">centimetres away from her soon to be husband, the doors crashed open and she spun around fearfully, backing away with wide eyes as the men invaded the church wielding knives, guns, and multitudes of other weapons. Run-on sentence!
She stumbled backwards to find herself in the arms of Lucifer, who planted a long, pained kiss on her lips before she noticed the tears forming in his eyes. At the time, it seems odd that they'd kiss when they're rushing to get out of the building. That's just what I think.
He pushed her away, and she tried to protest, but she was dragged back by the masses of screaming people.
She tried desperately to fight her way through the crowds back to her husband, I thought they weren't married yet. XD and when she finally succeeded she threw her arms around his waist and refused to let go.
He pulled her along, and pushed her back against a pillar hidden by curtains.
“I love you…” He kissed her lips once more before pushing her down the hall.
He had heard the men’s feet slamming against the wood floors of the church and he knew what was coming, he also knew that he had to save his wife.
He weaved a fireball and tried his best to fight back.
She turned around just in time to see her husband being shot in the chest, and even contemplated running back and begging them to kill her as well, but she needed to take care of her family, and, no matter how much it hurt, she forced herself to keep running, as they carried her husband’s lifeless corpse away, looking back at her but not bothering to chase after her.
The young bride, now a young widow, had tears flowing from her perfect eyes now, transforming them into a scene that could make even the strongest of people feel the greatest of sorrow.
She didn’t stop running, despite the pain shooting through her legs as she ran barefoot, shoes in hand, makeup running down her tear streaked face.
She finally found a place to stop and breathe when she noticed her bleeding, aching feet.
“Lucifer… I need you…” She sobbed.
She took a pained step out into the street where a horrifying sight awaited her. Bodies of the Shmettawing’s lay everywhere, broken, bleeding, burnt and twisted to the point where they were unidentifiable.
Their wings were shredded, some ripped off entirely. It scared her so much that she had to run her fingers through her wings just to make sure she hadn’t been caught, to make sure she still had her wings, the thing Lucifer first told her he liked about her.
It was a cute mistake on his part. #FF0000 ">Jamie and he sat around on the beach under a tree that offered shade from the burning #FF0000 ">midday sun. Everything was so perfect, the way the waves crashed against the pristine white sand.
“You… You have… Cute wings?” He stuttered.
At first, Jamie was shocked. He had been her best friend since she could remember and she never noticed any signs that they had something more, but she couldn’t suppress a giggle at his embarrassed look.
In reply, she gave him her first kiss.
She was sure he had already had plenty of kisses, all the girls in town loved him and were constantly swooning over him, and, on occasion, she found herself getting jealous of the girls that touched him, but shook the feeling soon enough.
They finally stopped denying that they had something more that friendship, admitted that what we had, what we felt for each other was special.
The days turned to weeks, weeks to months, and before the two of them knew it, it had already been a year since that day on the beach.

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Authors note : This is in fact the second part of the story, so please don't send me messages saying things like "I feel as if i've walked into the middle of a store" And so on and so forth. If you really are that confused, i suggest reading the intro =) I know that the layout isn't that great, but something's going on with my computer and nothing is working properly. But please be patient =) I apologise that it is a bit longer than a page, but it was inevitable.
P.S Before you say it... Lucifer DOES Play an important role in this, and Luca does show up shortly