Young Writers Society

Hullo, fellow Bamboozler! *does secret team handshake*

I'm not going to do any nit-picks of this, because it seems like Solvalery has already taken care of you in that department, and there's not much else that I would point out that she hasn't already gotten to. I know she already pointed this out, but please only use one exclamation point at a time. xD Sometimes you use two or three and it tends to make your writing look a lot more amateur than it really is.

All in all, I think this is a nice piece. Stylistically, I think it's interesting that you chose to go with almost purely dialogue. It makes the piece have a sort of detached feel, since there is hardly any description of the characters. It's like a script, only without actors. But it's really quite admirable that you've managed to convey so much emotion through dialogue--I know next to nothing about the characters, yet I felt like I got to know and relate to them pretty well.

I have to say that I'm not very knowledgeable about poetry, and I haven't really read many poems like this (actually, at first I though it was supposed to be a short story!) but I found it to be a really interesting and original technique. It feels both detached and up-close/personal.

I have to say that I found the ending a little jarring. I really liked the "'till death" bit, which tied into the "'till death us to part" from before... but I can't help but feel that the change in POV was a little too sudden. It caught me off-guard, and I'm not sure exactly what your reason for wanting to do that would be. I think if you made it a little bit (even just two or three sentences) longer, that would help this since it would make it more of an epilogue and less of a disconnected sentence. I also found calling him "the guy" a little weird, and I don't think it fit with the rest of the piece. Why not just call him "he"? I think the readers could figure it out.

Actually, I think there's a rather odd mix of formal and informal through the whole piece. One second you're saying something like "it really pissed me off," which sounds rather conversational, and the next second you're saying something like "my voice was cold and so were my eyes," which sounds more poetic. I guess I'd like a little more consistency in this regard, so the voice would sound a bit less eclectic.

Overall, nice work! It certainly pulled me in and I have a lot of respect for being able to create something so moving with so little description. Well done.

I hope this helps somewhat! Feel free to PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions or anything, aye? I'd be glad to help you out in any way I can.

a

QaraQaraQara!!! I'm your plushie and I'm here to review. Lol.
Okay, this is a sad story. He was a jerk. >.> But anyways, this doesn't seem like a poem to me, it's more like a story. But then again, there are different types of poetry and, honestly, I don't know them all. But I do think it would be better as a short story. I love this topic though. It was entertaining and it was well written. Great job, Qaradear!

Now some nitpicks:

qaralynn wrote:I felt sad for him knowing that he was having a hard time, but at the same time it really pissed me off.

qaralynn wrote:"I'm only here because I don't fit in the perfect image that you pictured of me before we even engaged"

qaralynn wrote:My voice was cold and so were my eyes.

qaralynn wrote:"You're here because you're insane." he said simply without any regret.

qaralynn wrote:The clock was slowly ticking away our time.

qaralynn wrote:"You agreed with me to come here, so don't you dare go there!#FF0000 ">!"

qaralynn wrote:For all I know everyone is insane. Some people just hide it better."

I really enjoyed reading this. There are just a few small things I'd like to point out.

"So how are you?"
He didn't dare to look me in the eyes and saw #FF0000 ">And see, not saw.the stupidity of his question.
"I'm sorry. That's-that's a stupid thing to ask...#FF0000 ">SpaceIt's just..#FF0000 ">Spacethis whole thing..#FF0000 ">SpaceIt's kinda freaking me out."
I could feel the anger grow inside of me and had to force myself to stay calm.
"I'm only here because I don't fit in the perfect image that you pictured of me before we even engaged #BF0000 ">Period."
My voice was cold and so were my eyes.#FF0000 ">This doesn't really make sense.
"You're here because you're insane.#FF0000 "> Comma instead of period." he said simply without any regret.
"Just because I'm different, doesn't mean I'm insane. You people seem to have forgotten the difference between being mentally ill and being different."
The only answer I got was silence and I noticed the pain in his eyes.#FF0000 ">This sentence is rather choppy.
He didn't believe me.
"Do I look insane to you?"
The clock was slowly ticking away our time.
"The tests said that you are-"
"Yeah, I know what the tests said. They only told me a hundred times before!"
I sighed deeply #FF0000 ">Do you sigh deeply?and stared at the dark circles under his eyes.
"Then why can't you just go along with that?"
His words left ugly scars in #FF0000 ">on my heart, not in my heart. my heart.
"Because I don't belong here. Because my brains are absolutely healthy!" I said, quite uncertain of myself.
What if they were right? What if I really was insane?
I softly shook my head and got mad at him for not believing me. #FF0000 ">This sentence is choppy, as well. I'd suggest changing the 'And got mad at him for not believing me' part.
"You're supposed to be at my side! And to be there for me 'till death do us part!! Why can't you just believe me?!"
He didn't reply #FF0000 ">Comma nor looked at me. The anger took a hold of me. #FF0000 ">The anger didn't take a hold of her, it took hold of her.
"Look into my eyes!!!" #FF0000 ">These exclamation marks don't need to be in three's, only one needs to be there.
He looked up but as soon as his eyes crossed mine he started to cry.
"I can't! I can't help you anymore! I can't do this#FF0000 ">!!"
He stood up, cursed at the wall, kicked and hit everything that was close to him and tried to stop the tears...
And failed.
"You pushed me away, Ursela. You didn't allow me to be at your side. And now..I don't even know you anymore."
He turned around and looked at me. The pain had drawn new lines in his face and made him look older.
I let my tears flow freely.
"Is that why you locked me away?"
Even though the tears blurred my vision I could still see the anger in his eyes.
"You agreed with me to come here, so don't you dare go there#FF0000 ">!!"
"To prove to you that there is nothing wrong with me!" I yelled #FF0000 ">Comma upset.
He sat down in the chair and rested his head in his hands.
"The tests showed something else.."
I laughed without joy.
"Tests can be wrong. Who decides who's sane or pathetic anyway? For all I know #FF0000 ">Comma everyone is insane. Some people just hide it better."
He couldn't have missed the bitterness in my voice.
"I'm sorry #FF0000 ">Comma Urs," he said while heading for the door,"But there's nothing I can do to help you anymore. You're just gonna have to fight this on your own."
He looked at me one last time with regret in his eyes and walked away.

The guy carried on with his life and tried to leave it all behind, but her words stayed with him 'till his death.
"Not insane, just different."