This story was inspired by the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. I hope it's good 
. Harsh reviews appreciated.
~peanut~
“Just lie down, Sissy,” I beg. She doesn’t know why I have brought her here. We had to get away.
“I don’t know what you are doing, Carry, but it’s getting old.” Natalie tells me, annoyed. She looks back to the car like she’s threatening to leave me here. I roll my eyes and walk away from her.
I can feel her green eyes on my back, she wants to follow me; I know it.
“Car, be careful!” she warns, still where I left her. We are on a ledge, up in the hills where the earth crumbles off the cliffs. At the bottom of the drop cars speed along the freeway. You wouldn’t want to fall; you’d die on impact.
“That’s why they made guardrails, Sissy. So people like me won’t tumble off the edge.” I laugh at her. She doesn’t think I’m funny. But she doesn’t think anything’s funny. It’s like her humor died with Mom and Scott. Tears are starting to sting my eyes I really shouldn’t think about stuff like that.
Doctor Marko says that’s what’s wrong: I bring them into everyday thoughts so easily. I don’t want to forget. I don’t want Natalie to forget either but she’s coping in her own ways. She hasn’t cried once. And I don’t think she is going to.
I watch the cars below me and count them until the thoughts are chased away by their bright lights and race track speeds.
“Where’d you go?” Natalie asks from behind me. She says when I remember, I go somewhere. Somewhere only I know about, but I don’t’ know where it is either. I shrug my shoulders and sit down in the grass on the safe side of the drop. My feet slide between the rails and dangle over the side when I lie back on the green.
It is dewy with night water and dreams that float through the darkness. I don’t mind it. The water seeps through my jacket and clings to my palms.
“Sissy?” I ask; she is moving. I can hear her sneakers sliding on the blades.
“Yes?” She says sitting down beside me. She leans back, her head parallel with mine. Her orange converse slip off the side and hand down above the road.
“Do you think, after what happened, we can forget?” I look up at the stars above us.
“We can’t forget the world. I mean they were apart of our world right?” Natalie is looking at the sky too. Out of the corner of my eye I can see her staring up.
“No we can’t, you’re right.” My sister is silent. She is probably counting the stars like I had o count the cars. It is the only way to get out of where ever we go. Where ever it is that our memories take us, she is there now.
I look away from the sky at Natalie who hasn’t cried not even when we were thrown from the car by our mother who didn’t’ save herself.
“Then why are you trying to forget them?” I whisper in her ear, my head propped on my palm.
“I’m not trying to forget them. I’m trying not to remember what happened.” A tear falls off her side of her face until it is eaten by the teeth of the grass below her. The tear that wasn’t supposed to be sucked up by the Earth.
I must say this piece is interesting, but I think you should add some memories and in the beginning I was confused about the age of the sisters, if one was older or not. Other that that there were a couple typos and grammatical things that the posts above have pointed out. Keep working on it because I wonder what happened and what's going to happen.
~ A.J
Hi peanut,
I’m not a huge reader of <1000-word flash fiction, so take my comments with a grain of salt.
I suspected that the piece might be a little too short, and while I was interested in the story as it unfolded, I felt a little unsatisfied by the end. I wonder if the characters and concepts you’re introducing here are in need of more time and space to develop. Two quick examples:
In the beginning the protagonist is begging Natalie to lie down, and then a handful of words later, the protagonist rolls her eyes and walks away. In such a short space, I’m struggling to understand the underlying emotions here. I assumed from the word “beg” that her comments arise from genuine concern and perhaps fear, but the eye-rolling seems more like sarcasm and annoyance. Perhaps more clarification of the emotional subtext would be helpful here? I feel like I need more cues to know how I’m supposed to read these lines.
Also, in the final lines, Natalie makes a distinction between trying to forget the relatives’ deaths and trying not to remember what happened. I’m intrigued by what that means to her and the protagonist, and I’d like to know more, but the story ends immediately afterward without exploring that.
Overall, I thought the writing was fine, though in need of a proofread: the dialogue punctuation is off, the first paragraph has a tense error, and the semi-colons are sadly out of place. I loved the line about the protagonist’s thoughts being chased away by bright lights, and I loved the tear eaten by the teeth of the grass. I thought that the visual elements were quite underplayed in comparison to other senses, and perhaps you could take a few of those missed opportunities to make the piece more visually descriptive -- the hills and the freeway, the starry sky, etc.
Hope this helps.
Cheers,
Karsten
There were some really exquisite descriptions in this, like the very last line of it, for instance, that totally stood out to me. All in all, this was definitely very enjoyable, but I think that it didn't quite fulfill the potential that it could have. To me, the whole thing could have resonated with the strength that those special spots did, but that's just me. I really did enjoy this, though, just so you don't get a wrong impression or anything; it was definitely pretty great. Although, I do think when you tell what happened with the car wreck, you could make it more like a memory or something- show what happened versus just telling about it, if you get what I'm trying to say. But seriously, this was pretty good
Yoohoo! It's me-e!
I. NITPICKS
“Just lie down, Sissy,”
“I don’t know what you are doing, Carry,
Tears are starting to sting my eyes I really shouldn’t think about stuff like that.
but I don’t’ know where it is either.
I mean they were apart of our world right?”
I had o count the cars.
It is the only way to get out of where ever we go.
who didn’t’ save herself.
The tear that wasn’t supposed to be sucked up by the Earth.
Plus, love the fact it was based off Chasing Cars (I lovelovelovelove Snow Patrol).
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