Young Writers Society

ozasatya wrote:I don’t know why, when everybody’s hating me,
When darkness is all I can see,
When I am drowning in hatred’s sea,
I find love, just by sitting with you,
Just by talking with you,
Just with you.

ozasatya wrote:I don’t know why,
when everybody’s hating me, #8000FF "> a little redundant
When darkness is all I can see,
When I am drowning in hatred’s sea, #8000FF ">says the same thing as that line^ so keep this one, nix that one.
I find love, sitting with you,
talking with you,
being with you.

*claps* VERY beautiful!
i find NOTHING wrong with this poem!!
keep writing!
and merry christmas/happy holidays

Thanks for the reply. I am happy that you liked the poem. I willl try my best to make it better thanks to your suggesstions. Happy X'mas

*sigh of satisfaction*
That was gorgeous. Seriously. It warmed my heart. However, since I like it so much, I'm going to be more nitpicky than normal, so that it can be the best it can possibly be. So be warned!
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I don’t know why, when my life’s on a low,
When failure#4000FF ">(apostrophe here!)s all I have got to show, #4000FF ">(All "i've" got to show would let this line flow better.)
When disappointments and fatigue are on the flow, #4000FF ">(I'd swap "disappointments" and "fatigue" around... not sure why, it just feels easier on the tongue.)
I find success, just by sitting with you,
Just by talking with you,
Just with you.

I don’t know why, when somebody beloved is gone, #4000FF ">(I'd go for someone beloved, again for reasons of flow.)
When all happiness has been torn,
When there are no consolations to cling on, #4000FF ">(This line doesn't make complete sense... try "for me to cling on.")
I find solace, just by sitting with you,
Just by talking with you,
Just with you.

I don’t know why, when everybody’s hating me, #4000FF ">(Everyone, for reasons previously stated.)
When darkness is all I can see, #4000FF ">(stick a "that" in bettween "all" and "I", so this line fits in better with the rhythm.)
When I am drowning in hatred’s sea,
I find love, just by sitting with you,
Just by talking with you,
Just with you.

#4000FF ">Hmm... I promised extra nitpickyness, but don't seem to have found enough problems. Sorry 'bout that. But congratulations on your wonderful poem, and best of luck for the future.