Hi. Consider reviewing two pieces equal in length to the one you posted before posting at all. I think it's in the YWS rules somewhere.
Acheron like Sherrilyn Kenyon's Acheron? "Dark-Hunters" sound familiar? Yes, the name's characteristic and - already taken.
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Prologue is so - angsty. Woe is me. All the MC does is basically tell us why we should pity him. At the very least he's demanding empathy which I cannot give him. And yes, yes, we know why he's been kicked out and his reasons for the reason he was kicked out. But he's just narrating his story without selling his soul! No such deal permittible.
Maybe it's just my dislike of first person speaking through me. It could have been done so differently in third - better, in my opinion. It could have been so much more emotional! Because, in the end, it's emotion I want. Keep the reasoning. It's awesome, it's fantastic - it's interesting, a fabulous foundation on which to work on. Very solid foundation. But weave around it. Don't stop at the threadbare. I want more of:
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I can’t even find the strength to lift my sword.
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It reminds me of home.
This is the primary reason why I didn't particularly like this prologue. It' like what had be said was said, things were explain, you read it, yes, we can now continue with the story. It doesn't work that way! I didn't care fro the prologue's MC at all! I did not feel his anguish!
From a totally diff angle: so many ellipses! I found myself cringing at the mere sight of them. Without reading, just scrolling through the work - eh. Are they really so necessary?
Forced trailing away does not substitue the actual emotion of suspence? mystery? that it attempts to immitate! Well, it does, sometimes - but in moderation. This piece has simply too many of them.
Hmm. Creator. The Boss. Capitalized. Consider - "Your", etc., if he's so very important?
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Was I not constructed to protect this world from those who wish to do it harm, my dear Creator?
Was that ironic, the "my dear Creator"? I suppose it is. At a stretch.
Sense of place in the prologue is sadly lacking (and I know that NY is mentioned):
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In the midst of this storm,
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Terrifying storm.
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If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere…
Eek. The horror. The ellipse!..
-
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The cold tile floor was hardly a substitute for the warm bed the young man preferred.
No surprise there. I think everyone, this young man included, would prefer the bed. Unless there's a specific reason for bedding being mentioned alongside the character, why emphasise it? And with a beginning sentence, too!
Oooh. And here, you totally changed my feelings toward the intro:
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But that would have been a long time ago. Decades. No one had been here in ages.
Lovely.
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Now, this supposed ‘House of God’ only served as a shelter for spiders and vermin, as well as a refuge for the young teen who had stumbled inside during the storm that evening.
"this supposed" - religious attitude becomes clear. Okay. But then enforce this more through descriptions. The part following "this supposed" is fantastic, but cannot possibly support it on its own. Atmosphere! Atmosphere! Think - bad. Ominious. Sinister, maybe. Anything leaning to the negative even if you don't the drama to which I seem prone to.
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Staring back at him through the rippling pool of water was a 16 year old boy. He donned a head of messy, unkempt and uncut brown hair and a pair of icy blue eyes.
Spell out the number, will look better. "don a head"?
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Both of his ears were pierced and it was evident that a razor hadn’t touched his face within the last few days.
I admit it. The razor comment mad emy day.
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His expression in the puddle was blank and apathetic.
Lovely!!
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he retrieved a second item; A sleek, silver pistol.
Eek. Why the semicolon?! Period. Period!! (same goes to next semicolon use, I won't quote it.)
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He examined it, turning it over in his hands.
Boring. How does it feel in his hands? Cold? etc.
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possessions of his: A Swiss-Army knife and dropped it into his pants pocket…
minimize "a", why the ellipse?!
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It was a purplish-pink color, faded with age.
It itititititi it it.
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It was a fortune cookie,
It was, blah blah, it was. Introduece the fortune cookie differently! Please! Don't make the writing predictable.
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far as the eye could see No one had come to visit them in ye
Little things.
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guiding them towards a higher plain of existence; The Afterlife.
Eek.
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His destination was even closer now; he could sense it.
Why, oh why?
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Old timers usually whispered something about this city being known as ‘The Big Apple’.
Yyyyh. Cheesy. What comes after is terrific, but blah. I think it's the phrasing around the info that I don't like. Then there's a mention of New Jersey that I didn't like in its current form either. Just seemed a bit forced.
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Something deep inside him, though he knew not what it was, urged him onward…
Very well. I suppose this one will stand for being the very ending of a chapter posted on YWS. I'd still rip a page out of a printed book, though.
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His long, curly hair flowed frozen in stone. His face, chipped and cracked, had still retained a look of bravery and courage even as it had begun to wither away.
No "had". It still has it now, at the time of narration. But ooh. And ha, I had this quote somewhere down below in my document. I'll just put it here.
_
Anyhow, that's the end of the nitpicks. I'll now harp about others.
Ellipses! Semicolons! Ridiculous. Ellipses are covered, I suppose, but still - watch yoru step. Me, I have a problem with hyphens. Maybe you noticed, maybe I'm masking myself better these days. Or backspacing more (and like every second sentence of mine would have a hyphen if I had my way). But ellipses - take care. Everything's for the people, but I repeat, don't overuse them.
Semicolons are a different mattet. Thjey look funny. Be suspicious of anything that that tries to jam two into one. It's unnatural, I say!!!
We're on technicalities, so I'll say this here: the writing itself is very good, apart from the standing out "the teen", "the young man", "the boy" - it's all so very self-conscious without the self. That bothered me a bit. It didn't blend in well enough, and it has to.
But other than that - fantastic qualtiy. Smooth. Just reads and reads onward, with veyr few bumps along the way. Very pleasant. I like the pacing. I like the construction. Example:
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One had been fired already.
Simply - lovely.
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Then, after taking a long, deep breath, he made his way towards the end of the church, pushed the large wooden doors apart and stepped outside into the ruins of New York City.
I love you.
Here, though, it failed:
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The boy stared at it for a long time.
Shaking back into reality, he placed the elephant back into his bag. The boy
Apart from my obvious dislike of "the boy" repetition, this threatens to negate all previous triumphs in pacing - or a few of them, in any case. Nothing can obliviate the intro and dead NY comment.
The toy means a lot to him. That's clear. But that is also all - and that is, if anything, dissapointing. WHy mention it all all now if nothing else will be said? If it's not elaborated? Yes yes, the mystery, the suspence and oh my, but to gain anything along the lines of that - or anything at all, really - that terribly abrupt, as if inserted by copy/paste comment about an elephant needs a shell.
_
Lo ve ly. A wonderful story which you simply must continue. Just write critiques for others.
Esme
Points: 14170
Reviews: 571
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