Young Writers Society

Hi there. Lavvi in to review for you.

This was interesting. So let's get to the review.

The rhythm was good, thank God for that. I've had to deal with some bad rhythms during my time on YWS. Anyway.

I also this following line was a little weird:

A breath was breathed

That's like saying a cough was coughed, a laugh was laughed, a sneeze was sneezed. It doesn't work well. Here's the time when you pick up a thesaurus and find a proper word

Yours,
Lavvi

Thanks for being detailed, but all I really got from it is that you want me to pretty much scratch the poem. You did tell me what was good or bad, but not why, other than the fact that it was bad and should be scratched. Give me some reasons, otherwise you sound like someone who wants a detailed way of saying you don't like something. Anyway, there are no absolutes in art. Once again, give me some reasons.

I’m saying that you make it into a short story but just a hint about the background or theme of the poem.

So basically, you are trying to conform the poem to your own image. Reviews are not orders from a general my friend.

Hello there.
I shall be your reviewer for today even if you do not want me to be. XD

All things were quiet,
living in such a swirling whisper.
I was carried by the wind.
Not a single tear could fall
among such rose petals.

The starting is not good. Not at all good. It kind of sounds wrong. You could use this Everything was quiet and you could even use some imagery by comparing the quietness to something like quiet as the dew or quiet like a church mouse. Think of something better. Remove such from the second line. I like the imagery of this line. It’s good. And there should not be a period after whisper. But the last two lines confuse me. From where did the rose petals come into the scene? And again I say remove such from the line. Keep it like; among the rose petals.

When it began to rain.
I was struck by a watery sheen
lay against my skin.
Lovely, Oh so lovely.

There should be no period after the first line. In the second line the use of struck sounded a bit rude. It did not sound good. Use something other than that, something polite. Add “that” at the starting of the third line. And now, about the last line. It ruined the whole stanza. It is not good. You could remove the whole line or you change it to something else. But do not keep it the same way.

Yelling with joy
over such a hypnotizing day
under the rose petals.

Again the use of such. It seems as if you have some kind of affection towards the word ‘such’. XD
Remove it. You could explain that why was the day hypnotizing for you. The reader may feel a bit confused because of it, as I did.

More than beauty,
A breath was breathed,
raging against hope,
riding on time.
Yes, I was so alive!

A breath was breathed? What was this? Sounded a bit odd to me. Alliterations like these always sound a bit odd in a poem. Change the alliteration. Use something else instead. Be a more detailed. Simple is good but not always. You need be a more detailed in your works. Just a bit more. I’m saying that you make it into a short story but just a hint about the background or theme of the poem.

Keep writing.