z

Young Writers Society



A thimble, a rose, and a ring.

by nekros


A thimble, a rose, and a ring,
It seems I got caught on a tire swing.
And the sky above was as sweet as cherry
mixed with honeycomb.

Clouds like to sing
of summer and spring,
with rabbits wearing robes,
and a few other things.

Spin around Wendy.
You make Peter so merry.
Play with fairy dust,
and maybe roses will fly.

So here I am again,
No one knows were I've been.
Arguing with crows takes time,
but I do enjoy a good laugh.

Now I built a swaying structure.
It's a strangely pretty picture.
'Cause I sit atop the tower,
and I placed that thimble on her thumb.

Let's take a walk in the forest dear,
and there won't be anything to fear.
Swirling petals and leaves,
they make the birds dance with snakes.

Then I placed the rose in her hair.
A ring might be a bit of a scare.
I'll wait for the moon to set,
and the sun to rise.

A thimble, rose, and a ring,
It seems I got caught on a tire swing.
Lie on the grass and close your eyes,
I've got a box, and I'd like a dance.

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254 Reviews

Points: 67823
Reviews: 254

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Sun May 15, 2011 6:14 pm
ehte92 wrote a review...



Hello there.
I shall be your reviewer for the poem. The title made me want to read this. You have a great title for the poem here. And the imagery in this poem is exceptionally good. Though, I have some nitpicks.

nekros wrote:A thimble, a rose, and a ring,
It seems I got caught on a tire swing.
And the sky above was as sweet as cherry
mixed with honeycomb.


The starting line creates a great environment for the things which are about to come in this poem. And I love it. The rhythm in the first two lines was flawless but then in the next two lines there was no rhythm and so the flow was totally off there. Why didn’t you try to keep them in rhyme, too?

nekros wrote:Clouds like to sing
of summer and and spring,
with rabbits wearing robes,
and a few other things.


The imagery in this stanza was great. Singing of the clouds. Rabbits wearing robes. The image formed was a fairy tale type. And the rhyme and flow in this stanza was better than the first one and so it was fun to read. Just one thing, there are two ands in the second line. Remove one of them.


nekros wrote:Spin around Wendy.
You make Peter so merry.
Play with fairy dust,
and maybe roses will fly.


If you added an exclamation mark instead of a period in the first line, then it would be a bit more appealing. I think so! Again, the imagery was good. The images created so vivid. Like from a spinning girl, a boy watching the girl spin. From fairy dust, to flying roses. Amazing!


nekros wrote:So here I am again,
No one knows were I've been.
Arguing with crows takes time,
but I do enjoy a good laugh.


By here I am again, do you mean that you’re back to reality? In the second line it should be where instead of were. But how could arguing give you a good laugh. xD


nekros wrote:Now I built a swaying structure.
It's a strangely pretty picture.
'Cause I sit atop the tower,
and I placed that thimble on her thumb.


As the reviewer above said that the words structure and picture do not rhyme and they do not have a flow though they both end with the same set of characters. And in the last two lines here, there is a problem in the tense. If you keep sit in the third line then change placed to place in the fourth line. And if you keep placed in the fourth line then change sit to sat in the third line. Up to you!


nekros wrote:A thimble, rose, and a ring,
It seems I got caught on a tire swing.
Lay on the grass and close your eyes,
I've got a box, and I'd like a dance.


A good ending stanza. Again the first line of this stanza amazes me. It has its own beauty. Just some words written together but the image it creates is beautiful. In the third line, the lay should be changed to lie because the next line is in present. But then the last line is kind of confusing. What is the relation between the possession of a box and the willingness to dance? *confused*

I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing. (:




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Tue May 03, 2011 11:09 pm
Spook says...



Agreed. THIS. WAS. BEAUTIFUL!!!!




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Tue May 03, 2011 9:48 pm



This was beautiful, elegant, and playful, some-how. The way it was written seems like it had an innocence of sorts to it. It was really lovely, and I can't find anything bad to say about it. That's awesome. Awesome.




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Reviews: 126

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Tue May 03, 2011 9:11 pm
Mickixoxo wrote a review...



This is very very good! It seems beautiful, elegant, and relaxed all at the same time. For some reason, whenever I see "tire swing" I always think about summer and grass and bare feet. I don't really know why, but that's the kind of picture I got from this poem. This is my favorite line:

A thimble, a rose, and a ring,
It seems I got caught on a tire swing.
And the sky above was as sweet as cherry
mixed with honeycomb.


It's seems so lyrical and I can almost hear the rhythm to it and it's so pretty, and relaxing, even. You have an interesting rhyming pattern and I think it fits and I like it. There where... two stanzas I think, though, where the ending words on the first two lines didn't rhyme with each other.

Spin around Wendy.
You make Peter so merry.
Play with fairy dust,
and maybe roses will fly.


This was one of them. Although you may have done it on purpose, I still think it messes with the rhythm since all the other stanzas have a specific pattern that this one doesn't have. Also, this one:

Now I built a swaying structure.
It's a strangely pretty picture.
'Cause I sit atop the tower,
and I placed that thimble on her thumb.


Now, with these two words, "Structure" and "Picture" they don't rhyme, but they do... kind of rhyme. I don't know haha, they have the ending of "cture" but even so, they don't rhyme as well as the other words. I think because of the "ct" that is in the middle, it makes the words sound awkward and they just don't rhyme as well because of it? But anyway, they fit somewhat, so it's not as big of a deal.

I think you should reconsider the words "Wendy" and "merry" in the third stanza of the poem, because those two words don't rhyme at all, and it just doesn't fit.

Other than that, I really REALLY love this poem and I think it's beautiful! :)




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Tue May 03, 2011 8:34 pm
HIGHWHITESOCKS wrote a review...



Absolutely beautiful! A piece of masterful poetic genius! I am welling up with emotion reading this poem, it's so sweet and passionate! :D Quite honestly, I'm jealous I didn't write this myself, haha. Anyway, the details...

A thimble, a rose, and a ring,
It seems I got caught on a tire swing.
And the sky above was as sweet as cherry
mixed with honeycomb.

I really like the beginning, with a thimble, rose and ring. They're three objects that aren't normally put together, which is creative and interesting. And the tire swing line is good too. I get the feeling of someone who never wants to grow up, like a child who will always be on the swing. Very good invocation here, I like it a lot.

Spin around Wendy.
You make Peter so merry.
Play with fairy dust,
and maybe roses will fly.

You have a good balance here of images and language. The image of a girl spinning, and fairy dust, and flying roses is all matched very well. Sometimes putting together so many elements in one stanza is confusing for a reader, but this all seems to work well in harmony. That's not always easy to do, so good job with that!

Then I placed the rose in her hair.
A ring might be a bit of a scare.
I'll what for the moon to set,
and the sun to rise.

I am in love with the first line of this passage. It's so romantic and wonderful, and a beautiful image. I can see it so vividly in my mind, like this would be a perfect moment in a romance film or novel. It doesn't feel cliched at all, it feels like genuine emotion. I was just wondering if you maybe meant to say 'wait' instead of 'what,' cause that seems a little strange. Just something I noticed there.

I've got box, and I'd like a dance.

I'm not quite sure what this line means. It seems to fit awkwardly together with the rest of the last stanza. Do you mean 'I've got a box' maybe? Just a little confused here, and it may be something you take a second look at. The ending is still very well done. Just cryptic enough to be cool and mysterious without leaving a big 'huh?' at the end.

I really enjoyed reading this poem. It makes me wish I had a girlfriend so I could put a rose in her hair. But anyway, very very lovely, and I hope you keep writing this well! If you'd ever like another review or idea or something of the type, I'm always looking for things to read, and I'm only a PM away! :D
- SOCKS





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