Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
She felt the slight, dull pain in her throat that always seems to be there. He had made sure of that. He, she didn't know who he was anymore and when she thought about it, she didn't know who she was anymore either, or how she had ended up there.
That place, where no one helped her, where there seemed to be no way out and no hope.
All she knew was him with his brown, almost black hair, the constant indifferent, almost satisfied expression on his face when he made sure that she never forgot him and the hopelessness, the pain. The pain that he inflicted on her body, when he drew the knife across her throat until her life energy filled his hands and brought color into his life. But whenever her heart became lighter and the pain completely engulfed her until there was no room for anything else, it disappeared.
Because as often as he split her skin, he brought it back together again. She didn't know how, but she would never be able to escape.
It's really good! I like the metaphors that you use to describe the pain the girl is going through. Some sentences felt like they were running sentences. So maybe break them up into other sentences so it flows better. Also you shouldn't start any sentences with 'but' or 'and'. Otherwise, it's very very well written!!
Hello Hello, I am here with a review for this nice little work. First, welcome to The Young Writers Society I hope you enjoy your time here. With that out of the way I do like this it has the potential to be a strong story if it was a little longer. I do have a few things I feel I have to bring up. Starting off with the fact I would switch around some of the lines to make a stronger hook for the reader. (Don't worry the first line and page are often heavily edited. )
Again this is just my opinion and a very thought I had so there is no need to make these changes if you don't want to. I think something like this for a hook might be a possible option.
" All she knew was him with his brown, almost black hair, the constant indifferent, almost satisfied expression on his face. she didn't know who he was anymore and when she thought about it, she didn't know who she was anymore either, or how she had ended up there." Then if wanted you could add the lines about the pain.
My second point goes back to show dont tell, you tell the reader about him but I feel it would be more impactful if you showed the reader. Perhaps show how the woman tries to get help through dialogue or describe how the knife presses a cool edge against burning nerves.
( if you are unaware of the show dont tell as there are so many people with different skill levels here I would recommend you look into it as it's a hard balance to achieve. )
Regardless welcome to YWS! keep writing and remember to drink water.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
She felt the slight, dull pain in her throat that always seems to be there. He had made sure of that. He, she didn't know who he was anymore and when she thought about it, she didn't know who she was anymore either, or how she had ended up there.
That place, where no one helped her, where there seemed to be no way out and no hope.
All she knew was him with his brown, almost black hair, the constant indifferent, almost satisfied expression on his face when he made sure that she never forgot him and the hopelessness, the pain. The pain that he inflicted on her body, when he drew the knife across her throat until her life energy filled his hands and brought color into his life. But whenever her heart became lighter and the pain completely engulfed her until there was no room for anything else, it disappeared.
Because as often as he split her skin, he brought it back together again. She didn't know how, but she would never be able to escape.
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