Howdy there! I figured I would step in to this quite old work this Review Month and give some well-deserved advice! I may leave this review fairly short but I hope it would have proved helpful back in 2005. :}
My initial thoughts are that although I haven’t read the first part, I’m quite perplexed by what this story is meant to be about. If this main character is this actual amazing, powerful, important being but doesn’t remember, then I find that interesting enough to go off of. The theory here would be that if the reader is told at the very beginning of a prophecy lost to the time or something but the actual hero is unknowing, at least we can get an understanding of them and be somewhat sympathetic if the character is a good one.
Here, though, even in barely the second chapter, there is definitely too much going on. Not only does the MC meet Death themselves but now they already know they’ve lost their memory and are being taken someplace else? I’d rather have some more background on the character, perhaps with a little hint of Death taking an interest in them but not enough to already connect a random person (to the reader’s view) to a previously unique person.
So, my advice is as follows: 1) Even though this has a first chapter, leave some kind of hint at what the character looks like so the reader can create an image; 2) Leave off Death speaking about who he could be for a later chapter to allow for some semblance of surprise for your readers; and 3) Build on this world rather than just include dialogue among taking heads - description can be your friend.
See ya.
Points: 31520
Reviews: 415
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