This made me sad! It's very poignant, and most of the rhymes are strong, but there are a couple which seem a little forced. I can't really comment on the rhythm since it's lyrics, but if they are all supposed to be the same number of syllables you might need to move around a few words to make it fit better. Lines I wasn't so sure about:
While I’m hiding in my room
Thinking about my doom
The only reason I’m not consumed
That gets me through my days of gloom
The second lines of both of them are just not quite as strong. There are also some half-rhymes you might want to iron out, such as 'been' and 'in'. These are just small things, though, and the important thing which you have is a really strong message which you've got across eloquently. I can tell how much you mean it and I expect it's something a lot of people can relate to.
Points: 6202
Reviews: 38
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