z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Classroom Ghost- chapter 1

by letsworry


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

And then I died.

Or so I remember. I can’t exactly recall that moment, but from what I’ve been told, I left the land of the living. And of course I woke up around three days later, thinking that I had just fallen asleep.

Being a ghost might seem fun in some people’s eyes. Yeah, sure, it is fun, I can agree! You can do lots of things and guess what? You don’t need food because, surprise, you’re dead! And the little floating thing humans think ghosts can do? Sure, it’s a hundred percent real and it’s probably the most fun thing to do as a spirit!

Being a cursed ghost isn’t as fun. I mean sure you can still float but it’s not the same, because you can’t interact with humans. They just can’t see you and you can’t use your ability on them. A spirit that isn’t cursed can do that with no problem. Not me and the others though, we are the cursed ones. No one knew where this curse came from or who cursed us and from what I’ve been told at that time, the others didn’t do anything bad.

Starting off, the first person I saw when I woke up was a girl with a creepy grin and bright green eyes. She was staring directly into my soul and I started to feel nervous and a tad bit uneasy. Next to her was another girl, clearly older, who was also staring, but she wasn’t smiling like the other one, no, no, she was very serious.

,,Hello there, good morning, nice to meet you, I’m Midari and you?” the first girl blurted out. I almost didn’t understand what she said, since she was talking really fast.

,,Uhm hi?” I said not knowing how to react ,,I’m…” I thought for a moment and then it hit me. Looking back I feel stupid for not knowing my own name.

,,I’m Luna, nice to meet you too I guess? Where am I?” I then added.

,,WELCOME to the family” the Midari girl cheered ,,this here is Mily” she added and pointed at the other girl, while standing up, looking confident. Mily was very pretty, very elegant. She wore a long, black dress, with a beautiful corset. Her hair wasn’t short, but it wasn’t long either, but I couldn’t quite see if it was black or just a really dark brown. One of her eyes was covered, making her look like an emo teenager.

,,Don’t be scared of her, she’s just trying to look edgy and stuff” Midari dismissed her wwith a hand wave. I wanted to say that I was more afraid of Midari than Mily but I decided to shut up. I didn’t want to anger the kid.

,,Alright, hi” I tried to seem polite ,,now, my question! Where am I?”

,,Promise you won’t freak out? Midari said with a serious tone. Not going to lie I couldn’t take her seriously at that time. Midari looked like a 10 year old and she had this weird green ombre hair. Compared to me she was really short and from what I could guess, she was also shorter than Mily.

,,Soooo, if I told you that you died and that you’re a ghost now and that you can do crazy magic stuff, that unless you like science more, because if you do you’re more than welcome to join me, we can blow stuff up together you know? But we’re moving away from the subject unless you DO like that. Oh and if I told you that you have cool powers and you get this free weapon, oh look there is yours, right there on the floor! Nice katana, look I have a gun and if you want I can teach you how to shoot someone, or if you don’t want to I can teach you how to make bombs and-“

,,The point is” Mily said and covered Midari’s mouth with her hand, so that she would shut up ,,that you died. I don’t know how, but you did. And it would seem like you became a ghost. Any questions?”

If I can be honest I did have a lot of questions. But instead of asking them I just said:

,,Nope, I’m good, I understand.”

,,Great!” Mily said ,,Thank the librarians you don’t have any questions. You seem to be a fast learner, I’m sure you’ll adapt soon to this…ghostly form”.

,,Yeah greaaaat. I’m sure it’s going to be juuuuuust fine” I lied of course. I was having a panic attack on the inside.

,,I sure do hope so” Mily added and then quietly left the room, without saying anything else. Oh no, I thought. She just left me here with this little green thing!

,,Now that Mily’s gone… I can finally talk to you properly!” Midari smiled and got awfully close to me ,,How did you die?” she wanted to know.

Well that was straightforward…

,,I don’t know. I thought I was asleep” I then confessed. It was true though. At that time I didn’t have any memories of how I died. I just hoped it wasn’t painful or dramatic.

,,Hmmm, interesting! Do you want to know how I died? Of course you do! I got shot, right in the heart. It was sooooo dramatic!” Midari then pretended to shed a tear. That wasn’t the question I had about her, so…

,,Uhm I have a question!”

,,Feel free to ask, I’ll answer anything! Is it about you ghost abilities? Or about your weapon?”

,,I’m sorry for asking, and I don’t mean to be rude, but, how old are you?” The question seemed to amuse her. What was so funny about that?

,,Lol, sorry, everyone asks me that. Based on my calculations I should be 18 years old!” Midari claimed. If I had a drink in my mouth, I would have spit it. Eighteen years old?! This little girl?! This 5’1 kid?!

,,I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked in hope I misheard.

,,I said that I’M 18 YEARS OLD.”

,,Are you sure? You’re kinda…small” I said.

,,Sure I’m sure. Listen, it’s really complicated and I don’t really want to talk about it, ok?”

,,Ok…”

,,Alright enough with the small talk, let me give you a tour of the school.” Midari decided.

,,A tour of the what?” I repeated.

,,The school. The place we haunt. Or more exactly, the place we are trapped in.” Midari lowered her voice in a creepy way ,,So technically, home! Come on, let’s go. I shall introduce you to the family.”

I slowly stood up and before I knew it, I fell down. It was almost like I’ve forgotten how to walk. Midari gasped but before she could reach me, someone else lifted me back up on the bed. Turns out, falling down after waking up as a spirit is common and it happens for a reason.

,,Hey there, sorry I didn’t catch you. I didn’t expect you to fall, sorry “ a tall man said.

I hate to admit that he looked really good. Especially with that suit he wore.

,,Excuse you?” Midari said ,,OH,OH,OH I know who you are now!”

,,Really?” the man looked amused. He arranged his tie and then his suit.

,,Not technically, but I know what you are. Luna this is your companion…” Midari looked at him, waiting for him to introduce himself.

,,Edgar, my name is Edgar. Nice to meet you, Luna. We technically met already, but that doesn’t matter” the Edgar guy said and reach out his hand. I shook his hand and for some reason he felt oddly familiar.

,,Allow me to explain what this kid said” Edgar pointed at Midari who was clearly unhappy with being called a kid ,,I’m your companion, a friend of some sort, a helper, or how others see companions as: servants. Oh and I also give you more power, thus ,,upgrading” your power level aaand I can help you with lots of things! Oh and I’m not good at cooking so if you need food cook it yourself.” He then grinned.

,,You don’t really need to eat, but just so you know, you can. We’re not in some sort of fantasy novel. The food simply disappears. It’s basically just a thing that gives your soul energy. It’s not the strongest energy fuel though.” Midari added ,,Well I’m sure that you do have questions and I will answer them because that’s my job.”

God, this girl is changing her personality every 5 minutes, gotta be careful!

,,Then what’s the strongest energy fuel?”

,,Oh silly” Midari laughed ,,It’s souls obviously!”

,,What…?” was all I managed to say before she interrupted me.

,,Anyway, let’s go on a walk shall we?” Midari said and peacefully opened the door.

,,Come on, it’s going to be fun” Edgar said and followed her.

I managed to stand up this time. Outside the room where I was in I saw a corridor with lots of doors. On each door I noticed a name and I figured it must be the name of the room owner. Midari was in the front explaining something. I didn’t pay much attention, as I was too busy reading the names on each door.

Mily, Saki, Midari, Erika…

Then realization hit me. I was dead. I was a ghost. And ghosts were supposed to be just stories. I looked at my hands. Maybe I was just dreaming this whole thing? That would have been a good explication for not remembering the last few days. This can’t be real, I thought. I’m not dead and not a ghost, I just need to wake up, everything is going to be just fine, I’m not dead…

,,HELLO” Midari shouted ,,ARE YOU THERE OR AM I JUST TALKING TO THE WALLS? Or to Edgar, at least he’s listening…”

,,Nope, I’m here!” I was obviously lying. Who knows what this kid could do. Even though she was small, Midari looked dangerous. Plus she said something about ghost weapons and abilities. I wondered what her ability was.

,,Then repeat what I just said” she crossed her arms.

,,Uh…hehe…you see…”

,,If you’re feeling weird you can always talk to me, you know” she said. Damn her eyes are pretty.

,,No, no I’m fine! I don’t feel weird” I assured her.

,,Look” Midari crossed her arms ,,I know this feeling you have. And I’m a hundred percent sure that you’re questioning everything as we speak. You don’t have to. This isn’t a dream Luna. You are dead and you need to face the reality. It’s your only option, unless you want to go insane. And I bet you don’t want that.” She shook her head as she said the last sentence.

And that’s her, changing from a very happy person to the most serious human (ghost?) I’ve ever seen.

,,Alright, alright. So, uhm, what were you saying? I wasn’t really paying attention, sorry.”

That seemed to annoy her. I can’t blame her, if I explained something I would also want the person I’m explaining the thing to listen to me.

Actually never mind I take that back, because the sentence makes me look bad and I don’t want to look bad in people’s eyes.

,,Again” I continued ,,I’m sorry.”

,,Hm, okay, I forgive you, but please, try to pay attention. It’s important for your life as a ghost. Or should I say death?” Midari added and laughed.

,,Anyway, what were you talking about?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

,,I was just giving you a tour and explaining a little about how the rooms work and about the others. Oh here we are.”

Midari opened a door and we entered a room that looked like a kitchen. There was Mily, who was reading a book at the table. On the other side of the room I saw a tall woman who seemed to be in her early twenties, washing a plate The first thing I noticed about her was her dress, because it had a pastel pink color, which seemed odd for a woman that looked like she was 20 years old. At the same table as Mily was a boy with glasses and black, short hair. He was playing with a pen, staring at it. I guessed that he was thinking about something.

,,Oh great, you’re here” Mily said ,,Saki, scoot over, let the girl sit down.” The boy with glasses frowned and stood up.

,,I’ll be in the library if you need anything.” Mily nodded and this Saki left.

,,You can sit down, would you like something to eat? Or something to drink? Maybe your companion here would want something” Mily offered.

,,Nope, I’m not hungry, but you can eat if you want Luna” Edgar smiled. You know those weird dating games? Yeah, if he were in one of those he would have been the “nice caring guy” love interest.

,,Uhm sure” I said, even though I wasn’t hungry ,,what’s on the menu?”

,,Anything you want” Mily answered ,,you just have to make sure you eat everything, that’s the only rule.”

,,There will be consequences if you don’t eat everything!” Midari warned me.

,,Uh, then how about a sandwich?”

,,Sure, I already made some of those. You can go to the fridge over there and pick whatever you like.”

The moment I opened the fridge I heard the woman who was washing the dishes say that she was done and then left. I then learned that her name was Erika and that washing the dishes was one of her favorite things to do.

,,So Luna, tell us more about yourself” Mily said while closing that book of hers. The only thing I could think about at that moment was why the title of the book was ,,Spells against your enemies”. I brushed the thought though because it was creeping me out.

,,So, uhmmm, as you already know my name is Luna, I’m 12 years old and I like…doing nothing I guess?”

,,Go on” Mily insisted.

,,I don’t remember how I died…”

,,That’s not really normal. Like not at all” Mily interrupted me ,,are you sure you don’t remember?”

,,Sure I’m sure. Don’t you believe me?”I asked. Mily simply made this weird look with the eye that wasn’t covered and changed the subject.

,,Tell us” she looked at Midari here ,,more about your life before you died. Your parents, any siblings?”

,,I don’t have much to say about my parents. They’re just your average human beings. As for siblings? I don’t think so.”

,,Interesting, continue. What do you remember?”

,,I just remember that I fell asleep not that I died or something.” Mily gave Edgar the same look she gave me. He seemed harmless to me.

,,And you” Mily started speaking to him ,,you don’t know anything about this?”

,,Nope, not a single thing” he said ,,I intend to find out though” he then added quietly. Ha, this man thought I couldn’t hear him?

,,Do tell me more about yourself Edgar. How old are you? Why did you become this…companion thing?” I asked him, curious to find out more about my new friend.

,,I don’t know how I became your companion but I’m sure I’m too old for you. I could be your dad, that’s how old I am.”

That was unexpected. Then how did this old man (that still looked great!) become my companion? Well to be fair I still didn’t really understand what companions are so…Then I decided to change the subject.

,,So now that I’m, you know, dead, what can I do?”

,,Pretty much nothing, it’s really boring” Midari said.

,,And you’re sure there isn’t any way to become…not dead? Like come back to life?” I wondered.

,,Sure there is, I’m currently researching it.” Midari clapped her hands, an action she would be doing a lot in the future.

,,Only you’ve been doing that since forever and you still don’t have a result” Mily said. I assumed that this was their normal morning conversation.

,,But what’s the progress?” Edgar asked.

,,Hmmm… it’s like 68 percent done.” Midari looked proud of herself.

,,And only that much in eight years. Maybe you should just give up.”

Wow, drama time!

,,NEVER! If I do manage to bring you all back to life, not only you will be grateful to me for the rest of your lives but I can also become rich and famous. Being a person that can control when someone dies…that sounds rather god-like!”

,,And that’s where you’re wrong. You won’t be able to do that. It’s against all the magic rules!” Mily was getting angrier by the minute.

,,I don’t even like magic! It’s not scientifically accurate and it’s hard to control.”

,,Just because you can’t control it that doesn’t mean that others can’t. Wake up Midari, the world is being ruled by magic, the librarians-“

,,-are really boring. They can’t decide what I’m going to do. I can control my destiny! Plus they don’t even exist!”

,,You have to set your expectations lower. Nothing that you have ever dreamed of is going to become reality.”

,,Oh yeah, like you saving that woman that was your teacher? That is your dream isn’t it? Spoiler alert: she isn’t coming back to life unless I discover that method to actually bring her back!”

,,And they’re at it again” Erika appeared out of nowhere ,,they always have the same fight every morning. That’s why I wash the dishes and run away as quickly as possible.”

,,Then why did you return?”

,,I came back to save you two of course, still want to see the rest of the school?” She offered. Edgar and I looked at each other and silently agreed that going with Erika was the best option.

,,And they’re doing this every single morning? Doesn’t that give you headaches?” I asked Erika.

,,Nah, because being dead… you can’t really feel pain. Their fight is still annoying and boring” Erika said ,,allow me to explain the curse.”

,,Curse? What curse? Since when?” Edgar asked.

,,The curse works like this: The spirits who end up in this…school won’t be able to communicate with humans. For example if you, Luna, would want to talk to a person you won’t be able to. Same goes for haunting them. Oh and you can’t leave the school.”

,,Who placed the curse?” Edgar asked. This man sure knows more then he shows.

,,No one knows. And it’s really annoying. Like I would really like not being trapped in this school, do you even know how loud kids can be?”

,,Sorry can’t relate” Edgar said.

,,Good for you! And you Luna? Where did you study?” The question took me by surprise and I realized that I didn’t remember. Or do I?

,,I might have studied here, in this school” I said and looked out the nearest window. I did remember the school yard. Still everything was so blurry…

,,Are you sure? All sort of spirits end up here even though they didn’t go to school here. Me, for example. I’m from Salem.”

,,No, I’m sure. I do remember studying her at some point. WAIT! Did you say you were from Salem?!” I exclaimed.

,,Yes I am” Erika said and then proceeded not to tell me more about that town ,, I never saw you here. And I know all the students. There’s no kid named Luna here.”

,,Did you take your medicine Erika? If the girl says that she studied here, then stop pestering her with all these questions. You tend to forget a lot” Edgar said, clearly annoyed. I didn’t question him at that time and I’m so glad I didn’t.

,,Alright Edgar, as you wish.” Just a moment, how did she know his name? We never mentioned it in her presence…oh well, maybe she did hear it at some point?

,,Good. Let’s go back to your room Luna, we’re done here” Edgar said and started walking down the hallway that led to the rooms. I followed him of course. Somehow I trusted him even though we only met like half an hour ago.

We arrived in my room in no time. Edgar took a seat on a chair next to a table (where the sandwich I had just started eating was, hmm I wonder how it got there) and frowned.

,,Are you ok? You seem angry. If Erika said something you don’t like I can go talk to her…” I offered.

,,There’s no need to do that. She’s just annoying that’s all. She thinks she knows everything just because she’s old.”

,,Old in what way?”

,,Didn’t you hear her? She’s from that miserable town called Salem. Of course she’s old.”

,,Oh I didn’t think of it like that” I said. I felt bad for the man and I didn’t know why.

,,Anyway, how do you like your room? It’s pretty blue, do you like the color?”

,,It’s really pretty. Blue is my favorite color so…also, it matches your eyes!“ He giggeled.

,,Thanks! Say, you really don’t remember anything? How you died and such?”

,,Nope, but I’m sure I will at some point!” Ha, as if. My wishes don’t come true. Still this memory loss bothered me. My whole life was blurry and I couldn’t even remember the faces of my own parents, let alone other details. I didn’t quite remember the school and nothing from what I learned there.

,,Hey, snap back to reality!” Edgar said. I didn’t realize I zoned out.

,,Midari came to see you.”

,,HELLO!! I was wondering if you’d like to blow some stuff up together with me? After that we can go eat lunch and then we can play something if you want. I’m not that good at games like truth or dare but I’m really good at board games so if you want to do that…” she said.

,,Uhm what was the first part? You kinda lost me there.”

,,I said, THAT IF YOU WANT WE CAN BLOW STUFF UP TOGETHER. I hope that was loud enough. Maybe then we can discover your ghost abilities and then I can help you control them and-“

,,-and that won’t be happening, it’s far too dangerous”

,,Oh come on Edgar, you oldie. It’s not like she can die a second time.”

,,No, but I know that she can disappear from this world!”

,,Won’t be happening. Go do something else while I teach Luna my ways.” She proudly declared.

,,But I wanted to explore my room…can’t we do that later?” I suggested.

,,Oh come on, it’s really not that interesting. It’s just a room.”

But it’s got video games, I thought.

,,But…BUT!”

,,No but allowed. Don’t you want to find out your ghost abilities?’ Midari asked. Oh God, she’s really close. The little girl doesn’t have a personal space concept.

,,I mean I do, who wouldn’t. But still…the room is really interesting.”

,,Oh forget the room. I don’t have anyone to do experiments with. One of my grestest wishes is to have some kind of assistant! And it’s getting kind of lonely…so…PLEASE COME WITH ME I DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE” Midari said and started crying. Little did I know at that time that this was just a form of manipulation.

,,Alright, alright just stop crying.” I gave into her desieres.

,,OK, let’s go! Today we’ll be conducting experiments in the school yard!” she said, grabbed my hand and dragged me to the yard. You should have seen Edgar’s face, poor man.

Edgar disappeared while I was gone with Midari. Of course, because I’m the last person to find out about everything, the reason why he left remained unknown for me.

The time I spend with Midari was great and I could tell that I found a friend. I didn’t discover my ghost ability on that day, but a week later, when I accidentally set the kitchen on fire.

,,OH NO, MILY, LUNA’S BURNING DOWN YOUR KITCHEN!!” Midari shouted while trying to get some water to put out the fire.

,,What did you say, OH NO!”

I was trying to process everything that happened and unfortunately it looked like I didn’t care, so Mily started scolding me.

,,IT’S BEEN ONE WEEK, JUST ONE WEEK AND YOU’RE ALREADY DESTROYING THINGS! DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH ENEGRY WILL COST ME TO REPAIR THIS?!”

,,I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to! I’ll clean the kitchen once we put out the fire, I promise!”

,,YOU BETTER CLEAN IT! AND DON’T YOU FORGET THAT YOU PROMISED!”

I felt really bad. It wasn’t my fault…well actually it was, but I didn’t know how to control this power yet…

Saki started reciting some incantations in another language and the fire went out, but the kitchen was severely damaged. I did clean up everything and with the help of a few spells from Saki the kitchen was clean in no time. I was really proud of myself (and Saki).

A new week then started and the kids that were learning at that school were in for another traumatizing week. Edgar reappeared a few days after Monday (I can’t remember exactly which one), didn’t say a thing about where he had left or about how he managed to get out of the school. He seemed really sad and I tried cheering him up but that didn’t work.

Mily was still a little angry at me, but her anger soon disappeared when Midari blew up a whole classroom.

The next few months I spent away from the students (they can be really noisy, just like Erika said) and then it was time for summer vacation, which meant peace and quiet for me and the others.

I trained daily (to my own suffering) with Edgar, because he insisted I needed to know how to properly defend myself (and how to use a sword). Turns out I’m good with a sword but really bad without it, so since that moment I always made sure I had my katana with me.

As for the powers part, the fire I can generate isn’t your typical fire. It’s actually a neon blue fire, which at first scared me. Mily assumed it was like that because my favorite color is blue, but I’m not so sure about her explanation. She was in charge of my ability training and, I don’t know why, she couldn’t really stand me. Her main reason was about me chatting a lot and asking a lot of questions, but I didn’t think that that was it. She could handle Midari who was talking even more than me but couldn’t stand me talking? That was really suspicious.

Then summer vacation also passed. The most notable event of the whole summer was meeting this 10 year old who was apparently the others’ boss. He didn’t seem important so I ignored him.

Then autumn, then winter(I can’t really remember what I was doing, probably just sitting around, doing nothing all day and chatting with Midari) and then it was spring again!

And then my life turned upside down.


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981 Reviews


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Reviews: 981

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Sat Apr 27, 2024 1:05 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the possessed S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - Luna dies, but cannot remember her life. She can’t communicate with humans, she’s trapped in a school, but at least she has a…rather colorful crowd of ghosts to keep her company.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - At one part, I think that you meant to say “here” instead of “her”, but if not, then ignore this.

Chocolate Bar - I love Luna’s interactions with all of the different characters, it really settles what kind of relationship they all have. Midari is adorable but violent, Mily is not to be trifled with, Erika is the mother of the group, and Edgar is a good friend. Saki seems nice too!

Closing Graham Cracker - We’ve all got clashing personalities in a haunted school, I think that the adventure is certainly going to have its ups and downs. I can’t wait to see what becomes of Luna, and if she’ll be able to remember her life…

I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^




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Reviews: 224

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Wed Apr 10, 2024 6:54 pm
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AmayaStatham wrote a review...



Salutations, curious mind!



Amaya here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨

The Good Stuff:

First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!

This seems like a really cool concept! Your title definitely intrigued me and secondly I love the real feel that this story gives off. The little thoughts, the dialogues and the characters itself make it amazing. Awesome!

As I mentioned before, you have a powerful and great concept which has the potential to grow out to something very big and beautiful. ^^ You already have a set of strong characters like Luna and Midari, but also great side ones like Edgar, Mily, Erika and Suki.

Your dialogues are well-fitting with your plot and characters as is the layout of your story. This certainly makes things easier and more fun to read. Good job there!

As a reader, I loved this story a lot and absolutely recommend you to continue this novel if that’s your wish of course. Amazing work XD

Areas to Improve:✒️

The following suggestions are merely to help you improve on your writing and not to offend you in any way. Feel free to skip these suggestions, if these are not what you aim for.

The first thing that bothered me a little were the quotations that you used. I noticed that you used a lot of ,, as opening and closing of a dialogue. And sometimes a little “ popped up here and there.

For example,
,,Hello there, good morning, nice to meet you, I’m Midari and you?” the first girl blurted out. I almost didn’t understand what she said, since she was talking really fast.
,,Uhm hi?” I said not knowing how to react ,,I’m…” I thought for a moment and then it hit me. Looking back I feel stupid for not knowing my own name.
,,I’m Luna, nice to meet you too I guess? Where am I?” I then added.


I’d suggest, you use “ or ‘ for the dialogues to make things clearer to read and also more professional. This is also a well known way for dialogues to be written usually.

~~~

Secondly, I suggest you run your work through a grammar and/or punctuation check, because you missed quite some commas and sometimes I got a little lost while reading.

~~~

Thirdly, I wanted to point out that your use of dialogue is great, however it can be a little confusing to read who is speaking and who is not. A great example is the part where Midari and Mily are arguing about the fact that Midari wants to bring ghosts back to life.

ow, drama time!
,,NEVER! If I do manage to bring you all back to life, not only you will be grateful to me for the rest of your lives but I can also become rich and famous. Being a person that can control when someone dies…that sounds rather god-like!”
,,And that’s where you’re wrong. You won’t be able to do that. It’s against all the magic rules!” Mily was getting angrier by the minute.
,,I don’t even like magic! It’s not scientifically accurate and it’s hard to control.”
,,Just because you can’t control it that doesn’t mean that others can’t. Wake up Midari, the world is being ruled by magic, the librarians-“
,,-are really boring. They can’t decide what I’m going to do. I can control my destiny! Plus they don’t even exist!”
,,You have to set your expectations lower. Nothing that you have ever dreamed of is going to become reality.”
,,Oh yeah, like you saving that woman that was your teacher? That is your dream isn’t it? Spoiler alert: she isn’t coming back to life unless I discover that method to actually bring her back!”


I got lost here who was talking when (Midari or Mily) and what Luna was doing at that time. I’d suggest you add little things like “Mily spat as she placed her hands on her hips” or “Midari shouted back”

~~~

Next, I’d suggest you add a little more background information, descriptions and setting to your story. You talk a lot about your character's eyes, but what about talking about the background of the school? Are the classrooms dusty or messy? How does it feel to stand there, does Luna smell something?

I also wanted to say maybe add some more emotions to your characters:
For example, think about how Luna feels that she’s dead. I mean now she just seems to accept that she’s dead in a happy way and that she didn’t really care about her family. Maybe add something like “she cried a lot at night in bed, because she missed her mother reading her bedtime stories, but after a while she made new friends, like Midari who filled that emptiness in her heart.”

Nailed It!💐

Your title is the best thing! ^^ It intrigued me the moment I laid my eyes on it. Your title definitely summarises your entire story/chapter in two words, which is amazing and very neat. XD Great thinking there!

Classroom Ghost - Chapter 1


Overall Feelings:

I really loved this story. And apart from adding some more descriptions, emotions and fixing the quotations this was a very intriguing and amazing first chapter. As I said before, I hope you continue this novel if that’s what you want.

If I said something in my improvement sections that might have come over wrong, I’m sorry. Those are merely to help you improve your writing! Please keep that in mind. ^^

You have strong characters, amazing dialogues and a cool concept, all the fine makings of a wonderful novel. Great work!

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Amaya Statham
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉



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letsworry says...


Hey! Thanks for the review!
This is the first draft actually! I am aware of the possible grammar mistakes and because I don't spot them that easily, I thought I'd be better if I let someone else read it and correct me, therefore your comments are really appreciated!!

As for the description part, I'm working on it! Though it's kind of hard and I'm struggling with it. For example, I'm really good at writing funny dialogues but terrible at actually describing a scene. In any case, I'm still studying how to do it. Nevertheless, thank you again for pointing it out!

Lastly, thanks for appreciating my characters!! I knew Midari was going to be a success! :)

Second, I am aware of the quotations I used. I actually used the ones in German (because I speak the language) and I get them mixed up with the ones in English. I'm leaving them like that for now, but I'll change them once I edit the whole thing! But thanks for pointing out that they were confusing, it really helps. I didn't know whether the audience would be comfortable with those type of quotations, but now I know, so I'm going to change it!

I'm also really glad you liked the title! It's the book title and I'm still thinking about whether to give the chapters names as well.



AmayaStatham says...


Hey there! You're welcome :D

And hey, don't worry about grammar mistakes and description stuff, I'm also still learning myself. I just thought I'd point it out, so you can check it when you edit again. ;)

Wow, I didn't know that was the way you quote thing in German, I learned something new then :)

I'm really glad my suggestions were helpful, but do keep in mind that you only have to change what you want and not because one of your readers said so ;) You need to keep in mind that you have to love your work yourself too and not need to please the readers.

Yes, I absolutely love the title! It's a great idea to put names for the chapters, I'd definitely suggest it. :) All the best with your novel!

If you need any help navigating around the sight or something else, feel free to reach out! XD

Cheers,
Amaya




"Do not try to be pretty. You weren't meant to be pretty; you were meant to burn down the earth and graffiti the sky. Don't let anyone ever simplify you to just 'pretty'"
— Suzanne Rivard