leeanna13097 wrote:Two broad-shouldered, disfigured men stomped though an old log cabin, weapons hanging off their belts and in their muscular hands.
A petite young woman stood inside the house, ready for battle. “Get out of our house, you filthy Demons,” she spat, shining swords gripped firmly in her small, long-fingered hands.
“Why?” one questioned in a snake-like voice. “Afraid we’ll hurt your precious Sapphyra?”
Without and thought, Typo? the red-headed woman rushed forward and pierced his chest with one of her swords. The creature chuckled. “I'm deformed,” he explained, amusement sparking in his sunken black eyes love it!. "My heart doesn't have to be in my chest."
Gripping the handle tight, she pulled the bloody sword out of his deformed body. The young lady swung her swords at him, slashing his rough skin several times. Finally, she threw one sword at his neck. It was thrown with enough force that it went straight through his neck, this description could be stronger "that it sliced effortlessly through his neck" making his rather large head roll to the ground. His decapitated body stood for one more moment, as if that part of the Demon were still alive and proudLove this!, then it too fell.
Before she could attack and murder the other Demon, another figure appeared behind him. The figure wasn’t as muscular as the other two, and it was also shorter.
When the shadowy person would love to see a stronger description herecame into view, the woman gasped and fell against the wooden wall behind her. “Alezander?”
The figure --a man-- why not just commas?smiled menacingly. His smile revealed some crooked teeth, which were one of his few physical imperfections. “Tanzic, leave us be,” he ordered the still-alive how about just 'remaining'Demon.
What is going on? she thought, staring at him in shock. Why is he controlling this Demon? I thought I knew everything about you, but it doesn’t look like that now.... She wanted to burst into tears and fall to her knees.
this paragraph needs more, something to explain her connection to this Alezander, 'She felt....' why is it only a shock that Alezander controls the demons but not shocking that there are demons? Is your story's setting plaqued by these demons? How are you going to build on that? a simple added detail here and there could really help fill in the holes and capture your reader. 'She knew exactly how to deal with these demons, she'd been battling them for a decade now.' Just food for thought!
“Yes, master,” the creature replied, bowing his head. He obediently walked outside and out of ear shot.How does this girl automatically know Alezander is their leader? It it the stance he holds? Do they part for him to enter the room?
“Master?” Mary Helen repeated, confusion in her husky voice.
“Ah, yes, that is what I wanted to talk to you about.” He moved forward to stand in front of the minuscule woman. “You see--”
“But you’re an…an Angel,” Mary Helen said, ignoring Alezander. “You’re
supposed to rid the world of Demons, not use them as servants.”
“They’re very obedient once you train them, however,” said the mysterious man. He was dressed in solid black Angel fighting geararmor? I'm begging for more detail about this gear!, his black wings sprouting from his back. His wings were tipped with crimson, as if they’d been dipped in human blood.
“I don’t understand. By doing that, you’re breaking every Code the Angels fought to make.” She just stared at him, dumbfounded and bewildered.
“Considering what you just explained, can you guess who I am?” He smirked and narrowed his eyes so only a sliver of blood red was showing you should that he has blood red eyes to the description above so that this sentence will make more sense..
She thought for a moment, still gazing straight into the eyes she always seemed to get lost in. What could you be? If you control Demons and are against the Angels, and you have wings and eyes like that--More! I know this is already long but what is she feeling? your loosing you character, what is the look on her face like? Does she love him? Is she scared?
“Get out,” she hissed through gritted teeth, still gripping the wall for support because her knees were buckling. “Get away from me and Sapphyra--as far away as you can.”
“No,” he answered stubbornly and arrogantly. He stepped closer and stared down at her. “I’ve come for a reason. I want you to come back with me.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said--”
“I know what you said, Zan,” she breathed. Her voice was almost a whisper. Anyone could’ve seen that she was trying not to cry. “But how could you ask such a thing?”
“Because I love you, and I want to be with you forever.” this needs more building up to it. Does he take a step toward her? How is he looking at her? Straight in the eyes with love? Towards the ground with shame?
“If you truly loved me, you would’ve confessed long ago, and you would never ask me to live there with you.” She was breathing heavily, her flat chest rising and falling rapidly. She could feel her now-broken heart beating against her rib cage. “I will never go to Demons’ birth place.” She paused, as if to catch her breath. “Besides, you don’t love me. You just want to own me.”
“Please, Mary Helen,” he begged, but a hint of anger flashed in his big dark eyes. “Don’t you love me?”
“I did,” she admitted, finally breaking eye contact to look at her hands. They were bleeding where she‘d clenched her fist so tight and stabbed herself with her fingernails. you should mention earlier in the piece that she's balling her fists “But you lied to me this whole time. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
He sighed heavily, as if he were about to tell a lengthy story. “I thought it didn’t matter for many years,” he explained. "Then I realized if you hated the true me, we would have to do something about that.” His eyes seemed to darken, and his tone was more menacing.
She looked confused.
He slowly pulled a sharp dagger from its sheathe, which hung at his waist. “I mean, one of us will have to die. And, considering I’m an Immortal, I think you know which one of us shall suffer the consequences.” His tone was grim now.
She sucked in her breath, not able to breathe easily. Something--or someone--was forcing her down on her knees.
“Any last words?” Alezander snickered.
Despite her trouble breathing, she managed to use her last breaths for words. “I love you, Sapphyra, and I always will.”
“Oh, yes, that reminds me: where is our daughter?”
Mary Helen’s eyes stretched wide open. “You wouldn’t dare hurt her.”
“Oh, I would.”
“No,” she breathed. “No!” With some new-found strength, she managed to stand up and lunge at Alezander.
Before she could inflict any serious pain to him, he stabbed her chest with the silver dagger. Unlike the Demon who had no heart, he just stared wide-eyed at him. He pushed the knife farther into her heart, making blood cover the blade, his hand, and the front of her blouse.
Suddenly, she ceased breathing and her pupils took over all the color of her blue eyes. She fell to the ground with a soft thump, the dagger handle sticking out of her chest. Savagely, Alezander jerked it out of her body. He stared at Mary Helen’s body, covered in red liquid now, then turned and started to walk down a hall. He walked to the end of the corridor, his boots clanging against the wooden floor. He slowly opened a light purple door. Inside, there was a tiny, fair-skinned baby in a crib. It wasn’t asleep--it was just staring at the ceiling. He walked over to it calmly, bloody dagger still in his hand.
“I’m awfully sorry, Sapphyra,” he whispered, looking down at the very small baby. She was almost a year old, but most people said she looked like a newborn. “You’re stupid mother decided your unfortunate fate.” With that, he lifted the baby’s limp head, which was covered in beautiful fair hair, and slit the child’s throat. Blood trickled down her little neck. She just continued to stare blankly with sapphire blue eyes. It was obvious why her mother had named her Sapphyra.
The man stalked off proudly and left her to die.
Um, I hope someone gets revenge it the coming chapters, I don't at all understand why he just killed a baby and I'm a little disturbed by it. This piece has vast potential!
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