don't mind me: just commenting to find this later!
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
When I was but 10 years old, I learnt how cruel this world truly was… my mother, forced to hide herself from the world, accused of things she didn’t do. My father, killed in trying to save her. I was forced to move in with my grandfather.
Now, 12 years later, I finally came back.
‘Home… it’s changed so much.’
I signed up for college. I needed college, and I also had stuff to solve here.
[This is the third missing person this week, some people are claiming magic is responsible]
‘Heh, people here still believe that bogus. If magic was real, if my mother was truly a witch like they claimed, then she wouldn’t have to hide.’
And… when I find them… the people who did that to my family… then I will expose their crimes for all to see. They will regret their actions as their life collapses around them.
“Welcome to Challsville, hope you enjoy your stay.”
“Thank you.”
I checked the directions on my phone, walking from the bus stop, I traveled far.
‘Here it is, Dusty Hill flats… hopefully the name isn’t a detail to the housing quality.’
Gramps is paying for my housing, he’s quite wealthy, being a martial arts teacher. He supposedly even made his own martial art. I wish he could’ve come with me.
He taught me what little fighting skill I had… I wasn’t the best student.
But, yeah, some grandmasters of other arts came to him for lessons, thus, in the martial art community, he was well renowned. People came from across the world to learn from him. In an attempt to have privacy, he bumped up the prices to absolute ridiculous prices… yeah, it didn’t work, so now he’s rich.
I entered my flat and saw it was quite nice.
“Wow. How much did Gramps pay for this. This has to be like $10000 a month.”
I checked the lease.
“1000!? For this?!”
It wasn’t really big, but there were many amenities. A fully functional Tv, a kitchen with a stove and oven. Heck, it even had a shower.
“Dang, Gramps. How much did you haggle?”
I looked at the mirror, sure enough, I was still pale and skinny. My gramps agreed to send me here so I could tan up and bulk up as he said it. I combed my black hair, don’t need to look like a mongrel.
I decided to explore town and find a convenience store. I needed food, and I didn’t have enough time to prepare something good…
Microwave pizza it is.
I found the store and grabbed the pizza off the shelf.
“Welp, gotta bring this home.”
I walked down the street and saw the college.
“Wow, that is intimidating in the dark.”
I made it back and tossed my pizza in the microwave.
“What will I do once I figure it out?”
I considered what I could do… Nothing came to mind.
I sighed. I would have to think about this later.
The microwave beeped and I got the pizza. I decided to learn more about the town while eating.
Then I found an article:
“Challsville used to be thought as a hotspot of magical power. Druids would bring their sacrifices here to sacrifice it to whatever deity they worshipped, of course, as they worshipped here, there were also some who believed that there were demons that resided in the forest to the east of the town.”
I snorted. People of the past were truly ridiculous. Deities, demons, fairies. All that nonsense was hilarious. I continued to read.
“There have been recent rumors surrounding massive shadows found in the woods. Given the missing people, there have been theories spreading that the deities were angry that they no longer received sacrifice and took it themselves.”
Oh, spooky, a deity. Yeah, if something like that comes for me, then I’m gonna stop drinking from the town water source.
Then a scratching. I jumped.
“*sigh* Goodness, these old stories will make you paranoid… Whose cat is wandering?”
I opened the door, but nothing was there.
“*sigh* must have run o-“
In my chair was a shadow. I shivered as it turned to me.
“You’re unlucky, little licky, because I believe in you.”
Why did I laugh at those stories?
It charged me, then I saw a flash of light.
“No fun no fun, don’t interrupt my meal.”
Then a very small flying lady with bird wings flew to me.
“RUN NOW!”
“Come with me then, I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Heh?”
She flushed before nodding and running with me.
I slammed the door behind us. I looked at the girl to find that she had brown hair, which was complimented by her brown wings. I sat down in a surprising exhaustion. I looked again at the girl and sighed.
“Okay… what was that, and… what are you.”
“Okay, that was a demon, and rude.”
“Sorry, I’ve just never seen a small lady with wings. Are you some kind of fairy?”
She puffed up her cheeks. Then she started scolding me.
“Listen here buster, I am nothing like those deadbeat druggies.”
“Um… sorry?”
She sighed.
“Its fine, I suppose you would have no clue about these things.”
Then I realized.
“Is it safe to be here with that thing right inside?”
“Yep, in fact, we could probably go back it, it likely left.”
“If it didn’t then how are we safe?”
“Demons have restrictions in this realm, one is that they have to be welcomed, hence why it mimicked a cat so you’d open the door.”
“So…”
“It can only leave through the window.”
“Nice.”
“Yeah, it’s convenient that my great lady made such a rule.”
“She seems powerful, by the way, my name’s William, what’s yours?”
“… My race doesn’t do names. Our true names have power.”
“What is it, like I know your true name and I have full control over you?”
I meant it as a joke, but she nodded.
“Wait, really?”
She nodded again.
“Yep, but oddly enough, my lady wanted to meet you.”
“Why is that odd?”
“Because she doesn’t meet with just anyone, besides, demons don’t typically go for humans, they usually stick to the forest in this realm.”
“Huh, weird.”
I thought for a moment.
“We are safe here, right?”
“Of co-“
Then, as though my luck could get no worse, a shadowed hand reached out and impaled me before dragging me back into my flat. I heard the little flying girl scream.
“WILLIAM!!!”
_
I woke up. A golden room was before me.
…
I heard a voice… my voice.
“This isn’t my flat.”
“Oh, it seems as though the lady’s new pet has awakened.”
A man, with an oldish mustache, stood over me.
“Where am I?”
“Lady Lefaye’s palace. Go back to sleep, you haven’t recovered yet.”
“Okay...”
But I couldn’t sleep. I tried to close my eyes when I felt a presence. I looked at it, then I was somewhere else.
I was floating, then I saw 5 people sitting in chairs, no, thrones.
An Atronach, a pixie, a spriggan, a minotaur, and a wolf person.
The Atronach had fiery hair and glowed, waves moved over him resembling molten lava. He wore what looked like a silicone vest.
The Pixie somewhat resembled the flying girl from before, but he had a meaner face and he seemed uncaring.
The Spriggan stood with roots making up her body which was veiled with a robe. A face of a beautiful woman formed in the place that seemed to be her face.
The Minotaur was large with brown fur, her horns were flecked with black and she wore a tank top, probably the least regal looking of all five.
The Wolf girl was the most human in appearance, the only thing cementing her as not being the wolf ears and flicking tail. Her black hair combined with her yellow eyes made her look straight out of a fairy tale.
They sat in a glade with a stone monolith and trees bent in various artistic shapes. A sense of majesty was produced from the center throne, where the spriggan was seated.
The spriggan spoke first.
“Taurael, give your report.”
The flying girl, Taurael, floated before speaking.
“Lady Lefaye, the human is in condition to survive now.”
The Spriggan, Lefaye smiled sweetly.
“Wonderful, now explain how he got in the negative condition in the first place.”
The Pixie sighed, his hand playing with his brown locks.
“Isn’t it obvious Morgan, she likely got fed up with him, cut him in half, then dragged him here and acted innocent.”
Taurael shook her head.
“Malkek… urm, Sir, Malkek, I didn’t harm the human.”
“Then what happened to it Taurael.”
“He… a demon attacked.”
He began to sneer.
“Really, and you couldn’t fend it off, pathetic.”
“Sir, please, it broke a rule.”
He raised his brow, but Morgan, who seemed kinder, smiled.
“Please explain.”
“We got behind a door and were conversing when it broke through the door and grabbed him, dragging him back through.”
Malkek snorted, but the Atronach looked concerned, he spoke.
“Morgan, can you tell if she is truthful?”
Then Morgan nodded.
“She is…”
All five fey grew serious expressions.
“A demon strong enough to break that rule, this isn’t good.”
The minotaur looked angry, she spoke to Morgan with an annoyed tone.
“Why would a demon that strong even go for a mere human, Morgan, is there something you aren’t telling us?”
Morgan smiled diplomatically before speaking.
“No, nothing of true importance, the human simply interested me, I have no idea why a demon would be interested in him though, much less one that strong.”
Then the wolf growled.
“I agree with Astella, there’s definitely something you aren’t telling us.”
The Atronach sighed and stood up.
“Maven, just because you don’t trust her doesn’t mean she isn’t truthful.”
“If she was truthful, I’d trust her, Roman.”
Morgan sighed.
“Let’s just return to our realms. Malkek are you interested in taking Taurael back?”
“No, let her rot under your control more. She deserves it for her crimes.”
Taurael looked like she was shot.
“But, Broth-“
He roared.
“Do not call me that!”
He threw a small knife which stuck in her arm. She yelped in pain. Then I heard a snap.
“Do not treat your family like that!!!”
All six fey froze… I just spoke… Then, Roman spoke.
“There.”
All five beings launched magic and weapons at me.
I gasped awake.
“I… I’m alive.”
The same man was startled by my sudden awakening.
“Goodness, you woke up quickly, and could I remind you that nightmares aren’t real, you don’t need to be relieved you are alive after them.”
“Alright… I’m William, and you are?”
“Chvek.”
I blinked.
“What? Oh, you expected me to be like Wings.”
“Wings?”
“That’s what we call her as we don’t know her name, only the council and herself know.”
“Could you tell me a bit about her?”
“Oh, got a crush, do we?”
Upon seeing my face, he raised his hands.
“Small joke, no matter. She is known as the Killer Pixie.”
“Why?”
“Because people think she killed her own parents.”
“Do you?”
“Goodness no, she is the most compassionate person I’ve ever met. Honestly I’d be shocked if she gave them a papercut, much less killed them.”
“So, is she hated by her kind?”
“Yes, the pixies hate her, they call her an anomaly.”
“What does that mean?”
“An anomaly is the most hated form of fey, because they are unstable and it’s not really known why they act the way they do. Some may even have unique abilities.”
“Why do they think… Wings is an anomaly?”
“Because she is very compassionate, but she is absolutely merciless in combat, plus the theory that she killed her parents and it doesn’t seem as far-fetched.”
“That… seems wrong.”
“And that’s an opinion you should be quiet on, most of the council would take offense to it.”
“I agree, most think anomalies should be slain on sight, I’m no different, but like Chvek, I don’t think that Wings is an anomaly, hence why I took her in.”
“Morgan?”
The words came from my mouth. Everyone blinked. Morgan, Chvek, and Taurael all looked at me with varying measures of shock.
Morgan looked shocked.
“YOU?!”
“Uh…”
Taurael grinned from ear to ear.
“I knew that I heard your voice. I didn’t know you had magic.”
Chvek raised a brow.
“I feel like I missed something.”
Morgan explained.
“I was about to let into you for not keeping the barrier in good condition as someone watched the council meeting by projection, but if it was him, then the barrier is still fine.”
Chvek looked shocked.
“A human with magic?!”
Morgan smiled.
“Oh, don’t worry, it’s not his own, to revive him I imbued him with mine, though this also means something.”
Then her hand turned into a blade and she pressed it against my throat. Then, with the sweetest smile, she gave a terrifying threat.
“As you saw the meeting, I also know that you now know two pixie’s names, if you use them to control them, then I will revoke my magic immediately, and you will die, do you understand?”
I nodded.
“Good.”
“Is… there a way to use it without control? I’d rather not call her strange flying girl.”
Morgan snorted then spoke.
“Yes, there indeed is. Simply, make a contract.”
“What would that do?”
“Make it so any order you give her, you have to follow as well, it would also allow for you to speak as equals, the Pixie Councilor has a contract with each member of the council.”
Taurael spoke.
“But, Lady Lefaye, I don’t want to be bound to the hum-“
“See this as your punishment for letting him get killed, you need to watch over him, and you need to test what magic he has, and report it to me immediately.”
“… Yes, my lady.”
I smiled.
“You don’t need to contract if you don’t want to, I can just call you Wings or something else.”
Then Morgan interrupted.
“No, because I’d rather keep an eye on you, and I can do that even easier if you have a contract.”
“But, she-“
“It doesn't matter what she wants. She is currently my servant; thus, I can do with her as I will, and I’m saying that you two will contract. Either that or I kill you now.”
“We’ll do it.”
Taurael said it.
“Good.”
Then she contracted us.
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the review?
Top Graham Cracker - Taurael, an anomaly, saves William from getting killed by a demon, but unfortunately, they’re both bound by a contract. How long it will last before something gets out of hand will be determined…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that there could be a period at the end of William’s thoughts when he talks about the missing people, but if not, then ignore this.
Chocolate Bar - Even after discovering that magic is real, William still cares about Taurael, which is sweet, given how most of the council treat her. He didn’t want to contract with her and relented only when she herself said that she would do it.
Closing Graham Cracker - Apparently they will be made equals in the contract, but I’m not sure how long they will be equal. Something might happen…hopefully not…but I’d have to see…
I wish you a marvelous day/night! ^v^
SWOOSH! Greetings, lovely soul! Cupid here, armed with my bow, arrow, and a sprinkle of stardust for an enchanting adventure! Today, I'm flying into the captivating world of your dear story, let's dive in shall we? (I'm a little late, but I'm here HAHA!)
First off, major kudos to you for crafting a story that's like a blend of a D&D campaign and a high-stakes mystery novel! Seriously, I was hooked from the first page!
Now, let's talk characters. William and Taurael make one heck of a duo. Their banters are literally so me and my sister! xD but seriously, their dialogue is on point, dripping with sass and intrigue. I mean, who wouldn't want a fey friend with a name like Taurael? Plus, Taurael's little quirks, like patting William's shoulder and then freezing like a deer in headlights – hilarious yet oddly endearing. 
I do have a little nit-pic thought. We have talk about those transitions. Sometimes it feels like we're jumping from one scene to the next faster than you can say fey magic. A little more smoothness in the transitions could take this story from good to amazing. Maybe add a few more details to ease us into each new scene? Of course that's just a suggestion <3<3
Also something that could be like, tweaked, is maybe explaining some of the fantasy elements a bit more? Like, what exactly is a fey, and how do they fit into this world? And maybe dive a bit deeper into the anti-Morgan group that Brent mentions? It could add even more depth to the story!
Now, let's talk about that mind control twist. The way William discovers his power and then tests it out on Taurael and Grace – literally so cool! And that whole scene where Grace is swaying and resisting William's control? Intense!! But then it turns into this heartfelt moment of trust and understanding? I wasn't ready for those feels. (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)
One more thing! Can we talk about your world-building? The way you blend fantasy elements with the mundane world of college and alleyways – it's like stepping into a whole new dimension. And when William bumps into Grace and she straight-up calls him out for being a human with fey connections? Gave me goosebumps!! ✨
Overall, your story is like a magical cocktail of humor, mystery, and heart. Sure, there are a few rough edges that could use some smoothing out, but mistakes are what makes us human, right? Can't wait to see where William and Taurael's adventures take them next. Keep writing, lovely soul! - 💘
Hey there! Here for a review!
My first thoughts
A magical story, I am into fantasy stories so I will likely follow this one. I read it through and have a lot to talk about. I love the names of all the people we have met so far, they are unique and catchy. Let's get into it!
Narration/ plot
A boy who has moved to college and is trying to find answers whose mother is probably supposed to be a witch. It's interesting enough to start a fantasy story. I am looking forward to how you make it seem original and own it.
Suggestion~ narration is something I believe you could work on. It was only the first chapter and there was far too much information given already. I would have loved for you to tell us more details on one thing first and gradually go on, it was a pretty long chapter that way. Secondly, I too love using dialogues a lot in my writing but what your story needs is more of a description told to the reader in paragraphs and not necessarily from the dialogues or thoughts. I believe a stronger introduction was needed with clear descriptions. Tell us more about the character at the start. His family. Or even about the place. The college. Challsville. There are many topics and info dumping which could have taken its time with descriptions. I believe the character being taken by the demon maybe could have been the ending of this chapter. I suggest this article and this one on yws that can help you learn how to add descriptions without much info-dumping.
Diologues/ formatting
The dialogues were fun to read and engaging, your story progressed with the dialogues. All the different personalities of the characters were showing in their dialogue which is great dialogue writing. The formatting was grammatically correct in all ways as far as I can see.
Suggestion~ It may be helpful to use clearer markers to indicate who is speaking, such as adding character names before their lines or utilizing dialogue tags. This can prevent confusion, especially in scenes with multiple characters. Also, you can use actions to show who is talking instead of using "said" all the time. The next thing I would suggest is using italics when you are writing thoughts of the character. It becomes quite confusing when you are reading thoughts otherwise, like in the starting when he was thinking by himself.
Characters
Have I mentioned it yet, I love your characters. My favourite is Wings, she seemed unique and had a mysterious background. I would love to know more about our main character and how he discovers this magic world. He didn't seem surprised enough as much as I would have expected.
Suggestion~ We didn't have any way to imagine what our main character looked like, you are writing in the first person, so it is a little harder to describe your character's appearance as compared to writing in third person, what I will suggest is using actions to describe character appearance can be a subtle and effective way to integrate physical descriptions into the narrative. Character's appearance through actions, such as how they move or what they are wearing. I also love subtly using reflections to describe what my character looks like.
Overall
It's a gripping story and would love to read more of your writing. I hope you can read my suggestions and you are free to ignore it all as well, it's really up to you. You have really unique ideas incorporated into this one and I would love to check out more. Thanks for reading through the review<3
Keep Writing👍
-Alice
Hello Again, My Friend!
It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review the first chapter in your new story using my Familiar method! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...
What The Black Eyes See...
Ah, so much to sift through, and I am already interested! A human boy who comes from persecuted parents, the mother being a supposed witch, is already interesting. Then being shown a new world with fascinating new creatures is even better! Let's get into the details though.
Where The Dagger Points...
So you did great on the first chapter here! I have some minor recommendations to make for you, to help this opening pop. The first is a minor grammar suggestion here:
“Lady, Lefaye’s palace. Go back to sleep, you haven’t recovered yet.”
Hello hello! SkyVibes here to read and review! I'll be reading as a I review to give you the real-time thoughts from a reader!
First of all, I love the beginning. There's such a mystery already brought up into the story. I'm curious where this character's mother is and why she's hiding.... intriguing....
I already like this character bcs I am currently a college student right not!
ooh a missing person and there might be magic involved! Very interesting! I wonder if this character is secretly going to college just to go under cover as a detective. Or if he's just genuinely curious about something.
Ah so she's hiding because she's been called a witch. I wonder...what time is this set in? If there's a college it can't be during the Salem Witch Trials.
I do like how this character really wants to bring justice to his family tho. Very nice and I love it.
the grandfather seems interesting too. I like how you added that he might have made his own martial arts. I was amused when the character said they weren't the best student lol. I would be one of those students in martial arts so I can relate once again to the character!
So just something I noticed, when the character mentions wanting to bring justice to his family, I thought maybe bcs of the punctuation marks that he was saying it out loud. The font on YWS can make everything look very small. Later reading I realized it was a thought and not something said out loud. I would suggest maybe adding a "I thought" to the end of that sentence.
Ah so again I was a little confused. First reading, I thought the grandfather was there with the character, but after reading it a second time it seems like the character is either thinking silently or speaking out loud to himself. Again I suggest adding something to clear this up a little more
I like what is mentioned in the article. Very interesting and spooky. I have a feeling this story might be a mystery/fantasy/some factor of spooky to it genre. Very interesting. I like how you add how the character reacts as he reads the article! Nice touch!
So at the mention of a shadow being in the character's chair, I was a little confused from there to the next couple of seconds. The wording is a little confusing.
Ah so the character's name is William! and I'm guessing the race of the creature is some sort of fairy maybe.
I would say and this is just a personal preference that I would have like to see the name just a little sooner. I didn't know what the name was till now.
Also there was mention of them possibly going bac to the house, but when William says his name I'm not entirely sure if they are still running away, standing still, or going back to the house. Maybe I missed a detail?
I do like how the demons can change forms. That's a neat detail and something I've never really thought about for a demon as a writer who has demon characters also! although my demons are different but still, very interesting perception for a demon!
Very interesting that something impaled poor William. Where did he impale him though? Did it actually impale him or did the touch of the shadow just feel like it impaled him?
So when it's said, "this isn't my flat." Is that William speaking? Just curious
Also I have never heard of an Atronach or a Spriggan. Are these actual creatures or your own species for this book? I have a feeling you might have read the Artemes Fowl series based on all these different species involved. I love all the different species involved!
um so I do like the conversation going on here but I'm confused on who's exactly speaking from the sentence, "The flying girl, Taurael, floated before speaking." to "All five fey grew serious expressions." Also from all 5 I don't know who's name belongs to which of the 5 except for Taurael.....
"All six figures froze… " Um...6 being William included?.....
So I think this story does have a lot of potential but here are my biggest critique notes
1. Other than the winged creature who I think is Taurael who ran out of the house with William, I don't really know much about the characters' descriptions. I would love to know what they look like and what the other species I've never heard of look like also!
2. I'm kinda lost in the dialogue as to who is speaking and which names belong to which species.
3. I think that if you add more emotion and description to the scenery like you did when you mentioned the golden room, it would help a lot make the flow of the story a lot smoother.
Again this has a lot of potential and I can't wait to read more!
Take what you found was useful in this review and disregard the rest!
Soar high and keep on writing!
-SkyVibes
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