z

Young Writers Society



My mind

by keeperofgaming


As I walk the darkened alley,

I feel my will darken.

As my mind takes the key,

I cry in the pig pen.

_

I am not myself, but another.

I am the will, nothing but a bother.

The people flash into my mind,

Those I can't defend.

_

The darkness draws in,

The feelings sharpen.

My mind feels kind,

While the monster grinds.

_

This can't be the end.

The monster's mind,

Mine in kind.

He snickers and sins.

_

My will is his, and his is mine.

Why are we here? Give me a sign.

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Points: 49
Reviews: 1

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Wed Apr 17, 2024 6:30 pm
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yafikwrites wrote a review...



Good poem
I feel like there's potential for more depth

Especially the lines,

"My mind feel kind
While the monster grinds"

And,

"The monster's mind
Mine is kind"

There could be some need for exploration in such a scenario.
Are you mind and will two distinct parts of yourself?
Which is the monster?
Which is kind?
Is there some sort of cohesion between the two as you imply in the line?

"My will is his, and his is mine"
I would have loved some extra detail.
Again...this all depends on whether I actually understood your poem's theme and what it's trying to convey.




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13 Reviews

Points: 634
Reviews: 13

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Tue Apr 16, 2024 11:02 pm
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Inferno wrote a review...



Hello fellow writer! This is my first review on this website so... give me mercy🙏🏻.

First off, I wanted to say that this is a very well-written poem. How you phrased things gave it that eerie feeling that made it really captivating! I feel like this line portrayed that feeling well:

CODE: SELECT ALL

The darkness draws in,

The feelings sharpen.

My mind feels kind,

While the monster grinds.


You intertwined the rhyme scheme pretty well and that takes talent.

There was a snippet that seemed kind of repetitive:

CODE: SELECT ALL
As I walk the darkened alley,

I feel my will darken.


See how you used "darken" twice? It's not a big deal, but if you could use a synonym for "darken" that would make it seem less repetitive.

Overall, this poem was well done! I applaud you.
That's all I got for you! Happy Writing.




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210 Reviews

Points: 10015
Reviews: 210

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Tue Apr 16, 2024 9:23 pm
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EllieMae wrote a review...



Time for a Black Cat Review!!



MEOW! Hello, friend! My name is Ellie and today I will be reviewing using my very own Black Cat Review Method! It is very similar to the incredible YWS S'more Method but I have Halloween-ified it and made it spooky! My little black cat friend, Vladimir, wants to offer his opinion on your amazing literary piece:

Mystical Witch Hat - What I See, Observe, and Interpret

This was a very lovely, easy-to-read, quick poem. I love the organized structuring of it, with each stanza having 4 lines, until the very end.

I am not myself, but another.

I am the will, nothing but a bother.


I really like your use of 'i am' statements here. I find that to be a very powerful tool in poetry and I love how you used it. These lines really speak to me. The feeling of not being the person you want yourself to be, not the person you know you really are. Feeling like 'nothing but a bother' is a really hard way to feel.

I loved these two lines:

My mind feels kind,

While the monster grinds.


I love the rhyme between kind and grinds. These lines are simple, which allows whoever is reading to really interpret this poem however they wish. Perhaps, the person mind feels like it is decent and they are trying their best, but still, they are attacked by external things outside of their control.

Vladimir’s Advice - Suggestions for Improvement

I wanted to comment on the second last stanza. I have read it a couple of times. I love the idea, but there is one line that confuses me a bit:

This can't be the end.

The monster's mind,

Mine in kind.

He snickers and sins.


"The monsters mind, mine in kind" is the part that really confuses me. Did you mean to say, "mine is kind"? Or were you going for something else? I would love to hear what you meant by this section. Besides that, I love the repetition of the monster and the mind. I love how well this flows and it almost feels like a run-on alliteration throughout the poem- well done, friend!

Jack O’Lanterns - My Favourite Parts and Praises

I need to praise the last two lines in this poem. This was executed very well, in my opinion. This was an incredible ending to an incredible poem.

My will is his, and his is mine.

Why are we here? Give me a sign.


This sort of change the way I have viewed this relationship until now. I saw it as the monster being in complete control, but now this makes me see it differently. Perhaps they are two people just learning how to control themselves and learning how to love. I love the question you ask at the end too. Beautiful :D

Black Cat Cuddles - Concluding Ideas and Thoughts

I really enjoyed this poem. Thank you for sharing!

Your friend,
Ellie

I hope you have a spook-tastical day, filled with black cat mischief!






I was kind of referencing my previous story, Mystery of the mind, with this and basically "The monster's mind. Mine in kind" means that they share a headspace.



EllieMae says...


That makes a lot more sense :D Thank you so much for explaining that!!



Inferno says...


@EllieMae
Hiii!
I'm sorry sorry sorry for interjecting here... sort of, kind of randomly. I'm new here (if you can't tell%uD83D%uDE13). I'm not exactly a noob- well... yah. I'm a noob. At writing and reviewing and... everything%uD83E%uDD26%uD83C%uDFFB%u200D%u2640%uFE0F.

ANYWAY%uD83D%uDE12. I don't know how to do that cool quote thing-a-magic where you state a snippet of text from the article you review and it shows in that yellow box thing... in your review. (wow that was a very long and congested sentence. My bad.%uD83D%uDE11) So, um... how do you do that? Heh heh. Don't laugh%uD83E%uDD23 if that's like a really obvious no-duh%uD83D%uDE44 thing. Again, I'm new here%uD83D%uDE0F. If you could get back to me that would be great!
Thanks! Peace%u270C%uD83C%uDFFD.



EllieMae says...


No worries at all and please feel free to ask any questions! To make a quote, you use this code:

Code: Select all
[quote] Text you want to be quoted[/quote]


You can copy and paste that. Anything in the middle will be quoted!




shady and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws
— Tuckster