I step down out of the bus and almost trip. Ash laughs and I reply with a "Shut the fuck up" and we both just smile. I start to walk in,and I feel the ambiance of everyone around me. The sound of people gossiping,and maybe a little rap music somehow in the background. You walk in through the doors,a group of emo kids to the left immediately,and the jocks JUST down the hall to the right. High School. Interesting? Nope,not to say the least. Just regular. Lot's of kids trying to act like movie stars basically. That's what most of the youth bases its personality and outlooks on things. Just on some famous person who has already said it. You see the 80% of the girls in the school trying to be that plastic barbie they saw on Jersey Shore or something. Get a life,you're from Valentine. You'll grow up being the manager of the local Wal-Mart being from here,and if not,then you've moved out of town to find something better than this hell-hole. That's what I plan to do anyway.
"Morning,darlin'", says my friend on the locker next to me,Amber. Short,around 5'4,16,blonde long,wavy hair,baby face,hazel eyes. Wears mostly Aeropostale.We've been pretty close since last year. We dated,and I'm pretty sure she still likes me.
"Ohh,hey" I say, not looking up at her,still grabbing things from out of my locker.
"Have fun last weekend?" She says,chipper enough.
"It was actually hella boring,but this weekend won't be" I reply.
"It'll still be better for me" says a voice behind me,which happens to be Ash.
I turn and he winks,and I know he's referring to what he said earlier on the bus about hookin up with Sarah.
"What's he talking about? It'll be a blast for all of us" she says,completely off-target.
Ash grins again. I just look away,and the bell rings. Fuck,first period. Worst Part of the day.
I sit in Science as the teacher blabs along about something I care nothing about,while I think about the weekend.
Wonder who's all going. Wonder if there will be the booze. Fuck it,there's obviously gonna be booze. Duh. Wonder if there's gonna be weed. Probably. In a back room or something. Wonder who I'll hook up with. Hopefully not Brooke again. That was God-Awful. Oh well. I can't remember much from the experience anyway,seeing as I was drunk off of my ass. Kinda looking at Kembrah right now. Maybe. She's gorgeous. Nice body too,and the cutest personality.
"Hmmm,mister Nash?" my annoying Mrs. Herman asked me. God she's ugly,with her short red hair,giant nose,and that awful mole on her chin. I've definitely seen better-looking 49-year-olds.
"Huh?" I ask,obviously knowing the reply.
"Not paying attention again Jacob? Need I remind you of your detentions last week?"
What the hell is she talking about? I didn't have any dete....oh wait yeah I did. I don't remember for sure,I think I slept through them or something.
"Nahh,that's okay. Mrs Herman,can you do something for me? Maybe it'll help me listen to you more,especially this close" I ask with a kind smile.
"Of course,anything to help a student",she replies,trying to sound authorative in the process.
"Maybe try a breathmint? Here,I've got some gum in my poc..." She cuts me off as some of the other kids around me start to laugh.
"Jacob Nash! Principals office at once for disrespecting a teacher and elder!" she says,getting her hot-temper fired up as everyone laughs at her embarrassment.
"Thanks a ton,mam'. Anything to get out of this horrid class. Oh,and by the way,my name's not fucking Jacob,it's Jake" I say,sarcastically,with a wide grin on my face as I get up and start walking to the door. She has nothing to say,but just gives me a funny-looking stare.
I walk out of the classroom and think
I've earned some points with her I'm sure
Then laugh out loud,as the Janitor,the only other person in the hallway,stares at me,confused and worried if I'm laughing at his old-ass or something.
"Turn your back on hope and go back inside,
Stop my bleeding heart,and let the engine die"
Blink 182-GO
No to be honest it's mostly for having your work read and reviewed by others. And its not customary to argue with your reviewer, because they are able to pick apart your work in the way that other people can't.
And PUT SPACES AFTER YOUR PUNCTUATION. holy shit. its not that hard.
Lena.Wooldridge wrote:If you aren't planning on editing it, then don't post on here. This is meant for you to receive critique with open arms. Not to argue with the critiques. There's no point in posting if you aren't going to edit it.
1) Put spaces after your punctuation.
2) Don't put backwards smilies unless you are a homo.
3) Don't do the square smilies unless you are an emo homo.
If you aren't planning on editing it, then don't post on here. This is meant for you to receive critique with open arms. Not to argue with the critiques. There's no point in posting if you aren't going to edit it.
1) Put spaces after your punctuation.
2) Don't put backwards smilies unless you are a homo.
3) Don't do the square smilies unless you are an emo homo.
Lena.Wooldridge wrote:Alright...
So please remember to put spaces after every comma and period.
I'm in high school. I've been a freshman, and I know what its like to want to be a badass. I was easily in the top 25 craziest freshmen of my class, and I never even acted that rude to a teacher. You simply don't swear in front of a teacher, unless you're one of those wannabe badass kids. I just feel like Jake doesn't have respect for anything, and that makes me not like him. But maybe that's what you want. If you don't want your reader to hate Jake, then switch it up a bit. Don't make his behavior so extreme. It almost seems as though you are writing about the guy you want to be.
I also have issues with the large chunk in the middle where he is "thinking about his weekend." First, there's obviously gonna be a party. You might wanna mention that before you jump into the whole "wonder who's gonna be there" part.People don't wonder if there's gonna be weed or beer at a high school party. Its basically a given. It ain't a party without ganja.
Yee hope I helped you, ha
Lena
Alright...
So please remember to put spaces after every comma and period.
I'm in high school. I've been a freshman, and I know what its like to want to be a badass. I was easily in the top 25 craziest freshmen of my class, and I never even acted that rude to a teacher. You simply don't swear in front of a teacher, unless you're one of those wannabe badass kids. I just feel like Jake doesn't have respect for anything, and that makes me not like him. But maybe that's what you want. If you don't want your reader to hate Jake, then switch it up a bit. Don't make his behavior so extreme. It almost seems as though you are writing about the guy you want to be.
I also have issues with the large chunk in the middle where he is "thinking about his weekend." First, there's obviously gonna be a party. You might wanna mention that before you jump into the whole "wonder who's gonna be there" part. People don't wonder if there's gonna be weed or beer at a high school party. Its basically a given. It ain't a party without ganja. I like when he says that hooking up with Brooke was horrible, but you might want to mention why (ie, wouldn't go deep, ate your face, weird tits, etc) I don't know anyone who literally thinks in their head: I wonder if there will be booze at the party I'm going to. Oh, of course there will be booze. Its just not realistic. Nobody really calls it booze. I say alcoholic beverages, but its as a joke.. Most people say brewskie or something where I live. But I dunno.
Yee hope I helped you, ha
Lena
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