thanks for the reviews
z
The room was massive and dark. Huge, windowless, concrete walls rose up endlessly and uninterrupted and the few lights that were dotted around the room seemed to only to intensify the darkness. The weak light from the halogen bulbs failed to infiltrate further then a few metres into its gloomy recesses hiding the furthest walls, which echoed the sounds of our footsteps and the low humdrum of hushed talking.
There must have been more then a few hundred people in the room but the size of the space meant that they all stood in isolated groups, shrunken by their own looming shadows, which raced menacingly up the walls behind them. I looked at Gail. Her pretty face looked shallow and tight in the angled light. I shivered. It was fucking freezing in here.
“Lets leave,’ I said.
Gail waved me away impatiently. She rotated slowly, drinking in the environment.
‘Do you think he’s here now?’ she asked.
‘Who?’
‘You know who… Silva.’She closed her eyes and let out a shuddery breath at the sound of his name. I started dragging our bags towards an empty stretch of wall.
‘How should I know if he’s here or not?’ Gail opened her eyes and smiled. She chased after me and grabbed me around the waste, planting a loud smacking kiss on the back of my neck. I tried to shrug her off, but she hung on giggling until my strop had subsided and I turned and kissed her back.
‘I think we’ll be ok here, don’t you?’ she asked.
‘Maybe,’ I replied, but I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure if there was anywhere left where we would be ok, not anymore. I sat against the wall and pulled a thick, woollen blanket from my bag. Gail crawled under, squeezing her head into the tight crook between my arm and stomach.
‘Do you want to eat?’ I asked.
‘What have we got?’
‘Umm, apples I think. And maybe some sandwiches left.’ I rooted around in the duffle bag and found a couple of apples. They were beaten and bruised from the journey; their green skin had turned a mouldy kind of brown.
‘We haven’t got any sandwiches,’ Gail giggled up at me.
‘How do you know?’ I asked
‘Because I at them already’ She laughed.
‘You greedy pig!’ I cried. ‘You ate the last of our grub without a thought for me. What if I starve, How will you live yourself?’
Gail bit my stomach teasingly.
‘I think you’ll be alright for another few days.’
‘I suppose so,’ I grumbled.
I looked down and Gail’s eyes were closed. She was asleep, or pretending to be. I found another blanket and laid it over her.
If you listened you could hear the sounds of the fighting outside, noises thickened by the deep concrete walls of the room. The Ratatatat of chaser rounds or the low Hrumph of exploding bombs. Like a smell or a picture the sounds had little power other then to invoke memories, memories, I had learnt to disfigure as easily as reflections in a puddle. How could I lie here otherwise? When the sound becomes a bullet, becomes a man, then you’ve greased the filters that let you see without fear or insanity. Distorted the lines between what can be known and what is true.
People were walking in through the big garage doors at the end of the room, away from those disembodied sounds. More and more were coming all the time, men and women walking silhouetted against the light, dragging bags and equipment. They were probably refugees and pilgrims in equal measure. All come to this place, this fortress supposedly built and maintained by one man. Gail began to snore gently; a thin whistle that might have driven me mad coming from anyone I didn’t love completely. I stared up at the ceiling and tried to sleep; I watched the floating luminescence swim in the darkness until it carried me into thoughtlessness.
hey Jakfelix!
I'll review your piece today.
So, first thing I noticed, your hook., meaning the first sentence. To be honest, it didn't quite catch my attention nor made me more interested in the reader. you have to remember that you have to catch the reader's attention ever since the first sentence. and obviously keep it all through the story.
As the reviewer above said, you had some grammar mistakes, nothing too awful but definitely there. You have to watch out where you place the commas and where you place the periods.
As for description, the description of the place is decent, nothing that would take my breath away. If you added some more descriptions and even some description of the characters, the story would be much more interesting.
And talking about characters, I felt as if you didn't give much importance to them. Why? Because there is very little of them besides the dialogue. The reader knows nothing about them. Try to add a little more physical description to them and some facial expression while their talking and even body movements throughout the dialogue.
The dialogue by the way, was not that good. you forgot about grammar in the dialogue. even if we're writing dialogues, we should always remember that grammar is important.
As for the plot, I think you should try to make out the plot yourself, try to make it a little more clearer and give it a pace, because to be honest, I found very little plot or it was not that understandable. You have got to think of the plot line and the pace it should be following because there is no much about it.
Now some nitpicks.
Huge, windowless, concrete walls rose up endlessly and uninterrupted and the few lights that were dotted around the room seemed to only to intensify the darkness.
I shivered. It was fucking freezing in here.
“Lets leave,’ I said.
Gail waved me away impatiently. She rotated slowly, drinking in the environment.
‘Do you think he’s here now?’ she asked.
‘Who?’
‘You know who… Silva.’
‘How should I know if he’s here or not?’ Gail opened her eyes and smiled. She chased after me and grabbed me around the waste, planting a loud smacking kiss on the back of my neck. I tried to shrug her off, but she hung on giggling until my strop had subsided and I turned and kissed her back.
‘I think we’ll be ok here, don’t you?’ she asked.
Biting someone on the stomach is much more sexual than hitting them on the stomach.. Haha. And it's just weird.
And, technically, all right is two words, but it's okay to spell it "alright" in dialogue
Thanks for the review lena. I think on the language we came up with some anglo-american language problems. Rooted means to dig around. Alright is one word. throwing a strop means being grumpy. And i did mean bit, this is not supposed to be overly sexual haha.
Heya Jak,
Just thought I'd take a look at this
First off, its much more readable-looking than the first one you posted. However, the title needs some work.
Grammar
You know how I love commas but I really feel that this sentence needs one:
Right after "room", and before "but".have been more then a few hundred people in the room but the size of the space meant
Right after 'picture', before "the".Like a smell or a picture the sounds had little power
I feel like the profanity really took away from the formality of your writing.It was fucking freezing in here.
"Strop" is a leather strap or sling, correct? I don't understand how it can subside. Oh, and there should be a comma after "on" and after "giggling" as well.but she hung on giggling until my strop had subsided
Rooted? huh?I rooted around in the duffle bag
I hope you mean "hit".Gail bit my stomach teasingly.
"alright" is two words: "All Right".‘I think you’ll be alright for another few days.’
Points: 1394
Reviews: 5
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