z

Young Writers Society



Factory

by jakfelix


The room was massive and dark. Huge, windowless, concrete walls rose up endlessly and uninterrupted and the few lights that were dotted around the room seemed to only to intensify the darkness. The weak light from the halogen bulbs failed to infiltrate further then a few metres into its gloomy recesses hiding the furthest walls, which echoed the sounds of our footsteps and the low humdrum of hushed talking.

There must have been more then a few hundred people in the room but the size of the space meant that they all stood in isolated groups, shrunken by their own looming shadows, which raced menacingly up the walls behind them. I looked at Gail. Her pretty face looked shallow and tight in the angled light. I shivered. It was fucking freezing in here.

“Lets leave,’ I said.

Gail waved me away impatiently. She rotated slowly, drinking in the environment.

‘Do you think he’s here now?’ she asked.

‘Who?’

‘You know who… Silva.’She closed her eyes and let out a shuddery breath at the sound of his name. I started dragging our bags towards an empty stretch of wall.

‘How should I know if he’s here or not?’ Gail opened her eyes and smiled. She chased after me and grabbed me around the waste, planting a loud smacking kiss on the back of my neck. I tried to shrug her off, but she hung on giggling until my strop had subsided and I turned and kissed her back.

‘I think we’ll be ok here, don’t you?’ she asked.

‘Maybe,’ I replied, but I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure if there was anywhere left where we would be ok, not anymore. I sat against the wall and pulled a thick, woollen blanket from my bag. Gail crawled under, squeezing her head into the tight crook between my arm and stomach.

‘Do you want to eat?’ I asked.

‘What have we got?’

‘Umm, apples I think. And maybe some sandwiches left.’ I rooted around in the duffle bag and found a couple of apples. They were beaten and bruised from the journey; their green skin had turned a mouldy kind of brown.

‘We haven’t got any sandwiches,’ Gail giggled up at me.

‘How do you know?’ I asked

‘Because I at them already’ She laughed.

‘You greedy pig!’ I cried. ‘You ate the last of our grub without a thought for me. What if I starve, How will you live yourself?’

Gail bit my stomach teasingly.

‘I think you’ll be alright for another few days.’

‘I suppose so,’ I grumbled.

I looked down and Gail’s eyes were closed. She was asleep, or pretending to be. I found another blanket and laid it over her.

If you listened you could hear the sounds of the fighting outside, noises thickened by the deep concrete walls of the room. The Ratatatat of chaser rounds or the low Hrumph of exploding bombs. Like a smell or a picture the sounds had little power other then to invoke memories, memories, I had learnt to disfigure as easily as reflections in a puddle. How could I lie here otherwise? When the sound becomes a bullet, becomes a man, then you’ve greased the filters that let you see without fear or insanity. Distorted the lines between what can be known and what is true.

People were walking in through the big garage doors at the end of the room, away from those disembodied sounds. More and more were coming all the time, men and women walking silhouetted against the light, dragging bags and equipment. They were probably refugees and pilgrims in equal measure. All come to this place, this fortress supposedly built and maintained by one man. Gail began to snore gently; a thin whistle that might have driven me mad coming from anyone I didn’t love completely. I stared up at the ceiling and tried to sleep; I watched the floating luminescence swim in the darkness until it carried me into thoughtlessness.


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Thu Dec 24, 2009 7:26 pm
jakfelix says...



thanks for the reviews




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Wed Dec 23, 2009 10:37 pm
pudin.junidf wrote a review...



hey Jakfelix!
I'll review your piece today.

So, first thing I noticed, your hook., meaning the first sentence. To be honest, it didn't quite catch my attention nor made me more interested in the reader. you have to remember that you have to catch the reader's attention ever since the first sentence. and obviously keep it all through the story.
As the reviewer above said, you had some grammar mistakes, nothing too awful but definitely there. You have to watch out where you place the commas and where you place the periods.
As for description, the description of the place is decent, nothing that would take my breath away. If you added some more descriptions and even some description of the characters, the story would be much more interesting.
And talking about characters, I felt as if you didn't give much importance to them. Why? Because there is very little of them besides the dialogue. The reader knows nothing about them. Try to add a little more physical description to them and some facial expression while their talking and even body movements throughout the dialogue.
The dialogue by the way, was not that good. you forgot about grammar in the dialogue. even if we're writing dialogues, we should always remember that grammar is important.
As for the plot, I think you should try to make out the plot yourself, try to make it a little more clearer and give it a pace, because to be honest, I found very little plot or it was not that understandable. You have got to think of the plot line and the pace it should be following because there is no much about it.

Now some nitpicks.

Huge, windowless, concrete walls rose up endlessly and uninterrupted and the few lights that were dotted around the room seemed to only to intensify the darkness.

I think that you could make out two sentences out of this one. Try to take out the and and place a period after uninterrupted. Then you said: seemed to only to intensify. There is no need to repeat the to and I recommend you take out the second to.


I shivered. It was fucking freezing in here.

First of all I think you gotta give us a reason of why he shivered. Characters are people, they all have reason for doing things, especially physical things. Now, what was the point of the f word? For me, when you used that, it was like a huge step back in your writing. why? Because there was no point in using that word, honestly.


“Lets leave,’ I said.

Gail waved me away impatiently. She rotated slowly, drinking in the environment.

‘Do you think he’s here now?’ she asked.

‘Who?’

‘You know who… Silva.’

Look at this, this part is pretty flat, flat dialogue. The dialogue is a kind of characterization, you let us now your character through dialogue. To be honest, through dialogue, you get us to know more about Gail than your main character. Also, yo have to watch out for dialogue punctuation.

‘How should I know if he’s here or not?’ Gail opened her eyes and smiled. She chased after me and grabbed me around the waste, planting a loud smacking kiss on the back of my neck. I tried to shrug her off, but she hung on giggling until my strop had subsided and I turned and kissed her back.

‘I think we’ll be ok here, don’t you?’ she asked.

so same thing in the dialogue as the last one, but I noticed something here. after the dialogue, you write the things they do. You say she smiled and kissed him, so I recommend you try to add a little more description from your MC. Try to write what he felt, hoe everything inside of him reacted to her because readers would like to know something more than just actions.

So that's what I found but I recommend you proofread your piece before posting it and try to develop your character and plot a little more. This piece has potential but it's not written to it's full, so try to make the piece as best as it could go.

PM me if you have any questions.
Pudin.




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Wed Dec 23, 2009 8:26 pm
Lena.Wooldridge says...



Biting someone on the stomach is much more sexual than hitting them on the stomach.. Haha. And it's just weird.

And, technically, all right is two words, but it's okay to spell it "alright" in dialogue :)




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Wed Dec 23, 2009 8:15 pm
jakfelix says...



Thanks for the review lena. I think on the language we came up with some anglo-american language problems. Rooted means to dig around. Alright is one word. throwing a strop means being grumpy. And i did mean bit, this is not supposed to be overly sexual haha.




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Wed Dec 23, 2009 7:40 pm
Lena.Wooldridge wrote a review...



Heya Jak,
Just thought I'd take a look at this :)
First off, its much more readable-looking than the first one you posted. However, the title needs some work.

Grammar
:arrow: You know how I love commas :) but I really feel that this sentence needs one:

have been more then a few hundred people in the room but the size of the space meant
Right after "room", and before "but".
:arrow: And the "lets" in this sentence needs an apostrophe.“Lets leave,’ I said.
:idea: When you are saying "lets", it means, for example: "My mother lets me eat cookies". When you say something like "Let's leave", it is a contraction for "let us" and therefore needs an apostrophe.
:arrow: You need a comma here too:
Like a smell or a picture the sounds had little power
Right after 'picture', before "the".
:idea: When using dialogue, you generally have to use a "" instead of a ''. Just telling you.

Sentence Structure & Word Choice
:arrow: This is just weird:
It was fucking freezing in here.
I feel like the profanity really took away from the formality of your writing.
:arrow: I don't even know what you're trying to say here:
but she hung on giggling until my strop had subsided
"Strop" is a leather strap or sling, correct? I don't understand how it can subside. Oh, and there should be a comma after "on" and after "giggling" as well.
:arrow: Funky as well:
I rooted around in the duffle bag
Rooted? huh?
:arrow: Hahaha:
Gail bit my stomach teasingly.
I hope you mean "hit".
:arrow: This word is spelled wrong:
‘I think you’ll be alright for another few days.’
"alright" is two words: "All Right".

Characterization
:arrow: MC - the reader has no idea what his name is, how old he is, he could even be a girl!
:arrow: We know that Gail is the giggling girlfriend. However, this is a very vague, flat character. Also, I don't like Gail's name... It's my Grandpa's girlfriend's name.. Haha. It's more of an old lady name.

Plot
:arrow: Honestly, we don't know much of anything
:?: What time period is this?
:?: Why are they in the shelter?
:arrow: There is no clear plotline at all. Plot lines are necessary for a story.

This is very well written, you're an excellent writer.
PM for questions/comments
Cheers,
-Lena





oh to be a cat in a pile of towels
— ChesTacos