z

Young Writers Society



cinnamon excuses for false urgencies

by iceprincess


Spoiler! :
Like what the title says; get going and tear this to pieces!


iv. child;
prayer inchoate

angels, please sing a soothing lullaby
'cos momma's so frigid and pale;
or buy her a ring or a mockingbird
since she's feeling so sad and frail.
oh angels, please wipe the tears from her eyes
and clean the ketchup from her sheets ---
by the way, she kind of looks like a doll,
though broken, and with tiny heartbeats.
but momma's a marionette, i guess;
cos' when that mister comes around,
he reels and pulls her into his dollhouse
and she obeys, without a sound.
angels, momma's just a doll after all
and mister's not a good playmate;
there are cracks on her porcelain skin
and her glass eyes are hollow with hate.
lastly, angels, please help momma stop retching ---
i can't bear to see her unwell.

(child, i'd help your momma if i could
but mister has dragged her to hell.)


v. waltz;
solitary spiel

The slightest gasp slipped from your lips
Betrayed you: I know you’re still awake.
You are but waiting for the eclipse
To end along with your heartache.
The paint-spill colours of your soul
Is a mottle of too much blue;
Once bursting flames, now reduced to coal –
Vivacious shadows subdued.

(Like the way moonlight kisses
The Polaroid of your love at sea.)

You wonder if he reminisces
Of when you were still young and free.
But I know this: that is, little wishes
For waltzes along the Blue Danube
Are inspired by sepia photographs
And cannot be granted, you see.
You long for embraces and silent laughs
And lazy afternoon teas –
My dear, I’ll give you all you wish
If you would come and waltz with me.

Ignore my dark shroud, if you will;
Choose the rhythm of our piece.
Let not your pallid feet become still –
Oh, you’d rather quick and neat? –
Don’t brood upon sure guarantees
Embedded in your rice paper veins;
All of those are now surely lost at sea –
So come now, and waltz with me.

Admirals come, and admirals go,
They are but mere recollections
Of lives and losses long ago;
They too have imperfections.
Take my hands, trust me on this –
For once, dear, take a chance,
Your life is not something you’d miss
Thus come join me in this dance.

Let these thoughts fester and ferment,
Forget all those lost letters sent;
Follow your husband to where he has went -
And come and waltz with me.


vi. child;
untitled.

hiding underneath heaps of cotton bedspreads
he peeps out after the gravel-crunching
tire-squeaking
bottle-drinking monster
is finally gone. look, Daniel says
from his perch on the metal bones of his bed,
ain’t it nice to be free?
he shivers, looking at his best friend,
today a shade of unripe banana
against the wall. yeah, he finally replies.
don’t cha wanna have lunch?
opaque fingers pull him down
the rabbit hole and back
again.
they dine on stale loafs of bread snitched
from the kitchen.
(frankly, they taste like
stale leather and dog poop.
but children cannot be choosers.)
hey, wanna play Lego?
he turns his head to wherever Daniel points to,
and no, please, not the dragon’s lair, not me –
scaredy cat, scaredy cat, loser!
I don’t wanna go, he pleas –
scaredy cat, scaredy cat, loser!
alright, I’m going!
hesitant feet patter on musty floorboards,
echoing through the hallways
a lament of his uncertain fate.
he trembles, he quakes,
he fears
(scaredy cat, scaredy cat, loser!)
and somehow blurry tiptoeing
leads him to the scarred box in the end.
Daniel ruffles his hair.
good man, he says.

sometime after
when the moon is but a speck of dust on a backlit wash
and ten bottles aren’t hanging on the wall
but on the floor
along with a badly marred boy,
the day is over and done.
and the night rains on him like a never-ending waterfall
of broken bottle shards and curses flung from afar.
in his diary, he writes:

i built a castle today
so that Daniel won’t leave
and that I’d be safe at last.



xv. poems;
a brimming cup of tea

you ask me how i write poems and my laughter
resonates around the sombre, slumping room. my cigarette flares and snorts
powdery ash onto your impeccable carpet but
encroaches on your lachrymose desires cannot be answered for.
i can tell you only this: i am liquidated
into contumelious acrimony and delirium whenever
the wind dictates her wishes of brine and mud to me and
i drag my limpid form over to my writing desk and it's wherecaniputnadirs
ohthiscan'tbetrueandsoonandsoon
waitthebuoyisnowtaciturn! the ship sails into the harbour,
and quiescence rules the meditating night.
kid, the vastness of the sea cannot be counted;
sand cannot be bottled and put away. to hold water in a ship made of ink and paper,
first stop quibbling and drink your tea.


xxiv. films;
tangled in rapunzel's hair

lanterns led you to
dreams far beyond frying pans -
now, sing of love, love.


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User avatar
1087 Reviews


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Tue May 03, 2011 4:32 pm
Sins wrote a review...



You know, I hate it when people ask me to review poetry, especially good poetry. xD

H'okay, so this is going to be one of those tiny reviews that kind of just sit there looking lost. Nonetheless, I'll at least try to have it here for a purpose. Either that, or it will just be full of compliments... Compliments help though... They help you know what you're doing right, right? xD

Anyways, I really love the voice of the first poem. I have a thing for stories/poems that are told through a child's eyes, so I may be biased, but I definitely think you've done a good job. I love how the narrator is speaking to the angels because it makes everything seem so innocent, you know? I'm assuming that was what you were going for, so yeah, good job! It's probably my favourite one.

The only one I wasn't 100% keen on was probably Untitled. Not because it was badly written or anything really, not that I would know anyway... If you ask me, the cat in the tat is a brilliant poem, but back to your poem, I wasn't too sure what happened exactly. I struggle to understand poetry anyway, but I managed to grasp the meaning and events of the other poems a bit easier than Untitled. It was the ending I was confused about really. I could see what was going on at the beginning and towards the middle, but as the ending arrived, my face eventually went a bit like this: o.O All you need is to maybe make some things more clear, I guess. I'm sure you can do it.

Geez, I helped loads... I told you I sucked at poetry. Give me some fiction and I may be able to help you. :P

Basically, keep doing what you're doing and keep writing!

xoxo Skins




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Sun May 01, 2011 8:47 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Hello! I'll be just reviewing one poem (the first!) because it was interesting and such and I kind of adored it. Plus, I really want to go deep into it, just because I liked it so much. :)

I really liked how you addressed it to the angel. I think it gives the poem a very innocent feeling, as if the speaker, or the person praying really doesn't know how to connect with anyone to the extent that the very woman who she should be most intimate with -- her mother -- seems to be more of a doll than a real person. This imagery is very striking and although the narrator pleads with the angel for the sake of her mother, there seems to be this odd detachment throughout which is weird and creepy and I love it so much! So kudos for you on that! It's so subtle that it took me a rereading or two to pick it up, but I am glad I did.

To emphasize the naivety of the speaker, the rhyme actually works out really well and makes it have this feeling of someone who cannot think outside of the rhyme because of everything that is happened. It kind of brought to mind Sylvia Plath's Daddy, actually. Really cool stuff! :D

(Hahah, I love poems like this! :D)

I love how you made the mom out to be a puppet of sorts, or a porcelain doll that was hopelessly broken. There was just a couple of things that I thought were weird. When I think of "doll," especially the type that was described, I think of the dolls having very smooth skin and features, but when I think of mothers... well... mothers tend to have wrinkly skin, do they not? So it seemed a bit weird to me that she didn't, which made the mother seem more inhuman than not. I don't know if you intended for that to happen, but... well, I figure I would give you my impression anyway, lol.

Anyway, hope that helped! I'll be checking your other poems shortly, but... well... this is a good start, eh? ;)




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Sun May 01, 2011 6:16 am
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello! I think there was a plea somewhere for a review on this, so here I am! Attempting to say something somewhat helpful.

But, uh. I'm afraid this may not happen. Still, I'll take it one part at a time! Give my thoughts on each. :D

iv:
I just really liked this one. So cool. In a, uh. sad way. The imagery is really awesome, and metaphors are cool, and just ajsdklf;ajsdfl. I liked this one.

v:

You wonder if he reminisces
Of when you were still young and free.
But I know this: that is, little wishes
For waltzes along the Blue Danube
Are inspired by sepia photographs
And cannot be granted, you see.


The rhyme scheme is off here. Unless you pronounce "Danube" differently. xD And the last two lines seem random, considering the rhyme scheme. Perhaps you didn't mean to keep a rhyme scheme and I'm a loser in pointing this out?

Otherwise, this part's really sweet. I definitely like this one.

vi:
This one was neat. Different from the previous two with a story-like narration rather than a monologue of sorts. The ending threw me for a loop though and it's a bit unclear what exactly happened. oO Not sure how serious the outcome is, and the title for this part may be able to hint at it. Unless Daniel is that scary monster dude from the beginning! O: Then the entire time, the MC would have been frightened of what Daniel would be doing. And then.. *gasp* Maybe that's it?! Maybe? ...? D: Now that I look back, not sure what the MC meant by the dragon's lair. Unless the metaphor for dark, scary place is sufficient enough for this piece.

Also, the last three lines. He mentions building a castle to keep Daniel away. Perhaps mention the castle earlier on in the piece to foreshadow this last bit. That'd be cool.

xv:
Hahaha. This one made me laugh. xD I hope that's what it was meant to do.

xxiv:
TANGLED. <3

----

I'm not a poet, so.. I don't have much to say. But hopefully positive reinforcement is a good thing too, ja? :D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




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Sun May 01, 2011 4:05 am



Gah. These are all so good that the nitpicks I had flew out of my head. I can't think. I'll come back tomorrow.




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Sun May 01, 2011 2:06 am
Jas wrote a review...



Hey,

V and IV are definitely my favorites. They have the best imagery and the story told in both are really great. I didn't really understand VI very much but I loved the line 'children can't be choosers'. XV was well-written but I didn't like the subject much. XXIV was also really great, a perfect haiku. I'm sorry that this review is so useless. :(

Favorite Line: (Like the way moonlight kisses/The Polaroid of your love at sea.)

Grade: A+

~Jas




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Sun May 01, 2011 12:58 am
VousEsEtonnant says...



These are great! Fantastic. Phenominal! But might i suggest a type of index or footnotes for definitions???





Adventure is worthwhile.
— Aesop