Young Writers Society

Hello there, hidden! I shall be your reviewer for today!

First of all, I like this piece. It seems a little cliche, but then when you get to the end, you're just kind of left like, "Ooh, spooky. I need to know what happens next! Hurry up and post the next chapter!!" The characters are a little flat, but considering this is only the first chapter, I'm not really worried about that. I'm sure they'll get their own voices and personalities in chapters to come! Here are all the mistakes I caught:

I looked up at him wondering what he was doing playing with my hair but just smiled and waved.

Comma after "him" and "hair." I would rephrase it to this instead: "I looked up at him, wondering why he was playing with my hair...." To me it makes a little more sense, but it's a personal choice .

Me and Chris have been friends for a long time so i didn't really matter what all he was doing to me.

"Me and Chris" should be "Chris and I," unless you want her to speak like a true southerner . Comma after time. I think you meant "it" instead of "i." And I would get rid of "all" after "what." It sounds fine without it.

But today he was acting kinda weird.

"Kinda" should be "kind of," unless, like I said before, you want her to use not-so-proper English.

Normally hes just easy to read. Like a book written for a two year old. Fast, fun and easy.

You switch tenses here. Before you were in past tense, and now you're in present tense. Try to keep the tense the same all the way through. "He's" should be "He was," unless you want to change the rest the present tense--then you would need an apostrophe after "he" is "he's." There should be a comma after read, not a period. The period makes it too choppy. And, personally, I would put a semicolon after "old."

But for some reason he was seeming to act a little weird today. Like something was bothering him that he needed to ask.

You all ready stated that he was acting weird that day, so there's no need to repeat. Again, I would put a comma after "today" instead of a period.

And hes know all this time I have a deep secret that i can't tell him.

"Hes" should be "he's," but, again, watch out for the past/present tense changes! And capitalize the "I."

I want to so badly but for some reason when the time comes to say it I just freeze up.

Comma after "badly", and I would put commas after "but" and "reason" Those aren't necessary, though.

Its something about my race.

"Its" should be "it's." Remember to replace the missing letter(s) with an apostrophe when you use contractions!

If i told him i know he could keep it a secret but I don't want to risk for anyone else to hear it.

Capitalize the "I"s. There should be a comma after "him" and "secret." I would rephrase it to:"...but I don't want to risk anyone else hearing it." Just my opinion, though .

"Hey Red, can I ask you a question?" Chris said looking directly into my eyes not trying to avoid them like he normally does.

Comma after "hey," "said," and "eyes," and change does and did (tense change!!)

"Sure, why not." i answered back to him smiling like I always do when he talks to me.

Question mark after "not," not a period. Capitalize the "i." Comma after "him." Again, watch out for the tense change!

And i'm more of a tomboy so getting asked to go to prom was a huge thing for me.

The "i" in "I'm" should be capitalized. There should be a comma after tomboy.

Exspecially from Chris.

"Especially," not "exspecially."

Hes the star quarterback and the love of my life.

Put an apostrophe after "he" in "he's."

"I understand if your going with someone else..." he said looking down."Your absolutely beautiful... too good for me..."

Comma after "said." There should be an apostrophe after "you" in "you're." Oh, and put a space between the period after "down" and "'You're."

As he turned and walked away I felt my heart sink.

Comma after "away."

"Chris wait!" i yelled towards him and he stopped still looking down and didn't turn to even look at me.

Comma after "Chris." I think you meant to put "running" after yelling? Capitalize the "i." Comma after "running" (or whatever verb for walking you choose to use). I think "towards" should be just "toward," but I'm not completely sure. I would rephrase this to: "Chris, wait!" I yelled, running toward him. He stopped, still looking down. He didn't even turn to look at me."

"I love you Chris and will do anything for you. And yes i will go to prom with you!"

Comma after "you," "Chris," "And," and "yes." Capitalize the "i."

Chris grinned and turned around and hugged me tightly swinging me around and I smile and laugh.

I would rephrase this to: "...and turned around. He hugged me tightly, swinging me around. I smiled, then laughed." If you don't rephrase it like that, comma after tightly. And make sure to watch out for tense changes!

He gently sits me down and kisses my lips softly.

There are those pesky little tense changes!!

What happened next..... we didn't see coming.....

There should only be three periods after "next" (those are called ellipsis points! ) and four periods after "coming," because it's ellipsis points then a period.

Sorry this is so long! And my apologies if I sound too harsh. Don't get me wrong--I liked the story a lot! Just watch out for those past and present tense changes, and you'll be all right. Great work! PM me if you need anything.
~~Lee-Anna