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Young Writers Society



The English Rose

by gleek456


Chapter One

Rosalie. That's her name. Rosalie Beauchamp. A new addition to York Liberty Academy. Many girls envied her. Like how children envied eachother for having more toys or how regular people would envy those rich celebrities who have everything. But this is different. I guess girls did have a reason to envy Rosalie. She was perfect. She has long flowing blonde hair that framed her face perfectly, fair skin, and blue eyes that you would never want to stop looking at. She looked like one of those size 2 girls who had everything, but we don't know anything about her yet.

"I hope you girls would make Madmoiselle Beauchamp feel welcome here," Madame Adora said gesturing to Rosalie.

"Take your seat beside Madmoiselle Richmond." Avalie Richmond raised her hand as Madame Adora gestured to her. Rosalie walked past the girls, leaving girls with glaring eyes and some with anxious ones. Everyone wanted to know her, find out who she is, and what got her here.

York Liberty Academy is a very hard school to get into. You have to go into initiation before you can officially become a student here. The first stage being auditioning and having the school find out your talent, and the second stage being to impress the staff and the council. The second stage is the hardest. They ask you many questions on your personal life and you have to respond using intermediate language and the lack of using "um" and "uh". Took me a long time to get to where I am.

When Rosalie reached her seat, Avalie took the chance to greet her.

"Hey." she said.

Rosalie nodded.

"Do you like it here so far?." Avalie continued.

"Yes. I guess so." Rosalie replied.

"That's great. York Liberty is an awesome school. By the way, I'm Avalie." Avalie said.

"I'm Rosalie.Really? Because just now, while I was walking on my way here my cellphone rang and a teacher walking past me glared." She replied.

"Ahh, Mrs.Avondale. The strictest teacher here." Avalie explained. Roaslie's eyes were filled with wonder. Rosalie and Avalie turned towards Madame Adora, who was writing down the conjugations for Parler.

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As girls filed out of the french room and towards their lockers, Rosalie headed towards the office to collect her information. Again, leaving behind trails of glares and anxiety. She met up with Headmaster Octavia.

"Good morning Headmaster Octavia, you advised me to be here?" Rosalie asked.

"Yes. I have gathered your information. Early in the morning you have French with Madame Adora, then Science with Ms.Arica, then Language and so on. Your locker is Locker 240 and you may choose whether or not you would like to sign up for extra cirriculars." Headmaster Octavia explained. Rosalie took the information from Headmaster Octavia.

"I would definitely like to take some extra cirriculars. Maybe music or gymnastics." Rosalie replied.

Headmast Octavia smiled. "Alright, I'll talk to Renee about it. I hope you have a wonderful day here at York Liberty Academy!"

Rosalie smiled and left.

"Hey Rosalie." Someone said behind her. Rosalie turned and saw a girl with long, brown hair and shiny green eyes that stared at her.

"Do I know you?" Rosalie asked.

The girl laughed. "You'll find out. All I'm here to say is...don't try to think you can take over my school and flirt with the boys."

"Boys? What boys? This is an all girls school, isn't it?" Rosalie asked, confused.

"Ugh, don't you know anything yet? There is an all boys school right next door, called Recta Nomster Academy. We go there every time a period is over." She explained. Rosalie wondered if the boys there were like the ones she knew, kind, gentle, and understanding, not rough, dirty, and judgemental.

'Well, why do you think I would catch some of the boy's attention?" Rosalie asked.

"Because with a figure and face like yours, let me just say that you'll have some friends, lovers, and definitely some enemies." The girl glared at her on last time, and left.

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When Rosalie walked outside, she saw many things. Girls on their cellphones, girls applying nailpolish on eachother's nails, and some studying. When she looked to her right, she saw girls flirting with the boys at Recta Nomster Academy. She even saw the girl that snapped at her flirting with one boy. She looked for a familiar face, the one from French. What was her name again? she asked herself. Oh well, doesn't matter. As she continued looking, she caught sight of a an "intriguing" boy. He had dirty blonde hair that would perfectly match a surfer's hair, and he had deep green eyes that made her want to melt. He was throwing around a football with his friends, he looked around, caught her eye and smiled. Rosalie wanted to melt, right there. She smiled back, not knowing what else to do.

"Go talk to him," someone said behind her. Rosalie turned around, it was her, from french.

"Don't look like you don't know what I'm talking about, go talk to him." Avalie said.

"I-I can't. He's busy." Rosalie replied.

"Busy? Guys from Recta Nomster would give up anything to be able to talk to us girls." Avalie said. Rosalie took that in mind.

"B-but, he might think I'm weird, talking to him on the spot." Rosalie stuttered.

"Well, watch and learn Rosalie." Avalie said. She walked down the steps toward a few boys that were talking to eachother. Avalie started to talk to one of them, making them laugh. She twirled her hair and smiled alot. She was a flirtacious one. She sat down beside one of them, who made room for her, and she motioned for Rosalie to go.

Rosalie took a deep breath, and said to herself," You can do this, he's just a boy." She started to walk down the steps toward the boy. She saw many eyes boreing into her neck, but she ignored it this time. She wanted to get it over with.

She reached the group of boys.

"H-Hi." Rosalie stuttered.

"Hey...whoa." One of them said. He dropped the football like he just wanted to talk to her.

"I-I'm Rick." He said. This made Rosalie feel confident.

"I'm Rosalie." She held out her hand for a shake, and looked at Avalie, who shook her head. She pulled back.

"You new at York Liberty?" Rick asked.

"Yeah, it's pretty good." Rosalie replied.

"Yo Rick! Stop making googly eyes at some random...hey." One of the other boys said. He began walking towards her. Rosalie was excited, but the excitement dropped when it wasn't the boy she fancied.

"Hey hot stuff." He said, slapping her butt. This made Rosalie feel very uncomfortable, but it caught the attention of the boy. He started walking over to them.

"Josh, stop hitting on girls, you know it's never going to happen." He said, slapping him on the head. Rosalie smiled.

"I'm Griffin." He said, looking at Rosalie with his deep green eyes.

"I-I'm Rosalie." She answered.

"Yo Gri, lay off! I saw her first!" Rick snapped at Griffin, punching him playfully.

"Yeah, sure. But I saw her making googly eyes at me with those sweet blue eyes." Griffin said winking at Rosalie. Rosalie's chest hurt, in a good way.

"Whatever man. Let's just play football." Rick said, turning towards where the other guys were playing football.

"So, you new at York Liberty?...Rosalie?" He said.

"Um, yeah. I am." Rosalie answered.

"You know, I here girls sneak out of class just to see us guys play soccer, with our shirts off." Griffin said, winking again.

"Really? Is that supposed to impress me?" Rosalie asked playfully, gathering all her confidence.

"Did it work?" Griffin asked, smiling.

"Hm, I'll get back to you on that one." Rosalie said. She was a confident girl now.

"Aww, c'mon." He whined. He gestured at an empty bench. "Wanna sit?"

"Sure." Rosalie replied. They both made their way towards the bench and sat.

"So, do you have a boyfriend?" Griffin asked, looking down at his shoes.

"Why? Do you have a girlfriend?" Rosalie asked.

"No." Griffin answered.

"Then, yes. I do have a boyfriend." Rosalie replied.

"Makes sense, someone as beautiful as you would already be taken anyway." Griffin said, looking into her eyes.

"Well, I don't know why YOU don't have a girlfriend. I mean, you are hot, and judging by how much I know you, I think you're really athetic." Rosalie said, looking back.

"You know, I find you really interesting Rosalie." Griffin said.

"Really? You're not supposed to find me interesting." Rosalie said playfully. The York Liberty Academy bell rang, and Rosalie and Griffin stood up. Rosalie took the first step, tripped on a branch, and fell...into Griffin's arms. For a minute, they were gazing into eachother's eyes, not caring about the bell, time, people, it was like it was them two only. Rosalie noticed how beautiful his eyes were and the gushy feeling in her chest. Griffin saw how blue Rosalie's eyes were, and how beautiful her smile was, he definitely felt something for her. Rosalie stood up and dusted her uniform.

"Um, s-sorry." She said.

"No, it's fine." Griffin replied.

"Um, the bell rang-"

"Oh, right." Rosalie said, feeling embarrased. She ran off towards the school doors, leaving Griffin breathless. But don't blame him, everyone finds her intriguing.


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82 Reviews


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Tue May 03, 2011 1:06 am
gleek456 says...



Thank you for all the feedback! I will definately take that into mind for my next chapter, I will definately focus on having a realistic touch and not turning it into some Narnia or Gossip Girl rip-off. I will take into mind that I need to try to be original, maybe have Rosalie do something that a regular girl would do when in love. I have read this chapter over and over and I have noticed that the plot is going to fast (Ahhh! How can I have not noticed?!). I think that is another thing I need to work on. I will definately take note of all the feedback I've been getting. I am enjoying myself on the Young Writers Society. It is a site where I can express my inner author, (I have been a closeted author). Hopefully, I will succeed on having my first novel finished and I hope I have shown more and will focus less on telling. Again, thank you for the feedback! I'm sure it will help me so much!




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Sun May 01, 2011 10:43 pm
SeleneForeverDream wrote a review...



Hiya, gleek! :D Welcome to Young Writers Society!

How are you liking the site here? Have you looked around the Community Forums yet? If you go there you can post in the Welcome Mat and a bunch of people will greet you to the site.

So, on to the reviewing! First off, I thought this was really good for your first piece but there is always room for improvement. :) Practice makes perfect!

The sentence structure seemed a little choppy, especially in the beginning. You want your words to flow through like a beautiful steady stream. Get what I'm saying? The best way to achieve this if you are having trouble is to read it aloud, or better yet read it to someone you know like a family member. Heck, you can even read it to your cat (or dog assuming you have either). Reading it aloud will enable you to pick up on awkward phrasings and choppiness. It can also be an invaluable tool when editing your work.

Characterization is one of many things you should be conscious of when writing, especially your beginning chapters. Your characters grab your readers attention, and if the character is someone predictable and perfect, they aren't going to be likable or relatable. Let's face it, none of us are perfect. Flaws can make us beautiful and unique, so use them abundantly to add depth. Truthfully, Rosalie struck me as the girl that could not exist (obviously she doesn't, but you want your reader to be in the moment of the story alongside your character). Her actions and descriptions were too perfect and unrealistic. Like when she stumbles into the boys arms... that never really happens to someone you've just met. Is it ideal for the romantic scene? Sure, but why doesn't she fall flat on her face in the mud? Make her little guy friend laugh a little, and then help her up. Really, you could do anything. That's the beauty of writing, and I hate seeing what could be wonderful scenes being limited to the classic romance. Mix it up a bit!

Overall, I think you'd do well to continue on with a second chapter. Whatever you do, keep on writing! It's a beautiful gift and it is not to be wasted.

If you need anything since you're new, feel free to PM me!

~Selene




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Sun May 01, 2011 4:26 am
iceprincess wrote a review...



Hey there! iceprincess (and fellow English Rose) here to review! :P

My fellow reviewer have got the gist of what is not quite attractive about your story, but I have a few more nitpicks before I go onto your plot.

As girls filed out of the french room and towards their lockers, Rosalie headed towards the office to collect her information. Again, leaving behind trails of glares and anxiety. She met up with Headmaster Octavia.
"Good morning Headmaster Octavia, you advised me to be here?" Rosalie asked.
"Yes. I have gathered your information. Early in the morning you have French with Madame Adora, then Science with Ms.Arica, then Language and so on. Your locker is Locker 240 and you may choose whether or not you would like to sign up for extra cirriculars." Headmaster Octavia explained. Rosalie took the information from Headmaster Octavia.


Two problems here:

1) What I see here is not a conversation - it is a massive block of text which makes your readers bored and frustrated to tears. Enter a new line after a new paragraph or a sentence from a conversation. Also work on showing, not telling.

2) How on Earth did Rosalie go to her French class if she hadn't gotten her schedule beforehand?

Which comes to your plot - I'm scared this will become another Gossip Girl rip-off. Perfect Mary Sue transfers over to the perfect school but has to face nasty girls' jealousy and hot boys chasing her all the time. I'm not saying that your story is bad, it's just that too many of their stories have been written before and no-one would want to read onwards. Try writing it in an original way that conveys your style but still capture your readers' attention.

That's all I have for today, and if you have any questions, just PM me! :D

-Iceprincess.




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Sun May 01, 2011 2:12 am
Sunshine wrote a review...



Hey! I love the title, it's amazing! I do have quite a few nitpicks thought, but don't take it harshly. I'm trying to help.

1.) I felt like you did a bit to much telling and not enough showing. Reader's are way more gripped when you have to show them things. Any old person can just tell. You need to show. Appeal to the senses. Instead of telling us that Rosalie has blond hair say "Rosalie twirled her glimmering blond hair around her finger." Show us why she is intruinging instead of telling us over and over agin. Does she have that certain something? Is it the way she acts? Remember, show!

2.) Dialougue. Space it like this:

"So," Mary Ann said with a small frown.

"Huh?" George asked.

"Do you..." Mary Ann trailed off.

(Yes, I made it up on the spot. I know it's awful.) It helps the reader read better and makes it look neater. Plus it's a really easy fix.

3.) You swiched between past and present tense way to often. You narrator voiced, Rosalie's 2nd person present, Rosalie's past. I have that promblem sometimes to and you do not want to get into that habit. Trust me. Look over it and keep in mind what you want to do and swich it over. It keep's the reader foucused on the actual piece, instead of the tense.

4.) Put spacing inbetween you're narrator type voice and the story. Sometimes I couldn't tell which was which and it quickly got frustrating. Make some paragraphs, add some spacing. Again, easy and neccesary fix.

5.) Charecter dialougue. Charecter's tend to drop in and out and some of them just have really random and unpurposeful dialougue. When making conversation's add some length. When Rosalie's being threatened add some menacing word's and body language to add depth.

Thanks for letting me review! I would go more in depth, but I have to get going! I think you g





No man or woman who tries to pursue an ideal in his or her own way is without enemies.
— Daisy Bates