Young Writers Society

One cross #8040BF ">(I took out an "s" here), one dirty look, one little perceived wrong

And you wonder you#8040BF ">r teasing

That worries her, frightens her, #8040BF ">(Added a break here)
Causes her grief.

Puffy Wuffy. :3 <3

Nitpicks:

animekaratepup wrote:How can you not see the pain?
For me, it's obvious as the rain
That pounds on the roof, on the house, on the door
For me, pain is so often more
Obvious than the beating rain.
So tell me, why can't you see the pain?

animekaratepup wrote:Why does it seem so hard for you to tell
When a girl is teetering on the edge?
You see, depression's like a long, dark well
And when circumstances push her out on that ledge
It only takes one tiny nudge
One crosss, one dirty look, one little perceived wrong
To send her down, down, tumbling along
That dark, friendless path, where no light appears
And you wonder you teasing
Has moved her to tears?

animekaratepup wrote:It's not just the teasing,
There's so, so much more
That worries her, frightens her, causes her grief.
So just remember that before
You open your mouth to speak;
Hold your tongue, listen well and I'm sure you'll see then
This girl may come to regard you
As her dearest of friends.

XD

This poem is not as long as the reviews I've been writing. O.o

So I see the grammar things already been done a couple times now. I hope you don't mind but, since I'm not that great at it, I think I'll just skip it. Anyways, I really liked this. I can deffinitely relate. Some parts sounded a bit akward. Maybe you could read over and see if you could just reword some things? I don't know, that's just what I'd do. It also sounded like you were just kind of telling us this, not really showing and making us feel it. Maybe you could try and put more emotion into it....It's your poem so it's your choice. Hope I helped, even if it wasn't much. Great job and good luck on future writes.

SInce you've been so kind as to guide me on my journey of reviewing, I figured I would try my hand at reviewing one of the master's (you) poems.

animekaratepup said:

How can you not see the pain?
For me, it's obvious as the rain #FF0000 "> it's as obvious as the rain, comma
That pounds on the roof, on the house, on the door #FF0000 ">repetition is a bit odd, wait... it works(:
Obvious than the beating rain. [color=#FF0000 ]more obvious? or worse than the beating rain.
So tell me, why can't you see the pain?

Why does it seem so hard for you to tell #FF0000 ">comma,
When a girl is teetering on the edge? #FF0000 ">teeter, what an odd word (sorry, off topic!)
You see, depression's like a long, dark well #FF0000 ">comma,
And when circumstances push her out on that ledge
It only takes one tiny nudge #FF0000 ">period.
One crosss, one dirty look, one little perceived wrong #FF0000 ">repetition once again. it adds emphasis, so it can stay.
To send her down, down, tumbling along #FF0000 ">period.
That dark, friendless path, where no light appears
And you wonder you teasing
Has moved her to tears?

It's not just the teasing,
There's so, so much more #FF0000 ">Again with the repetition.
That worries her, frightens her, causes her grief.
So just remember that before
You open your mouth to speak;
Hold your tongue, listen well and I'm sure you'll see then
This girl may come to regard you
As her dearest of friends #FF0000 ">period.

Actually the wording isn't that awkward.

Except for the first stanza, the wording it a tiny bit awkward it kind of corrupts the flow. Also you used the word pain and rain twice. Seemed a tiny bit repetitive to me. I would change the last two lines of the stanza into something else.

The rhyming pattern changes throughout the poem, which made it a bit confusing. I don't know how to fix it though, I'm no good at rhyme.

Other than the grammatical part of the poem, the story the poem told was brilliant .

How can you not see the pain?
For me, it's #FF0080 ">as obvious as the rain
That pounds on the #FF0080 ">roof, on the house, on the door
For me, pain is so often more
Obvious than the beating rain.
So tell me, why can't you see the pain?

Why does it seem so hard for you to be able to tell #FF0080 ">I think you should change it to "so hard for you to tell"
When a girl is teetering on the edge?
You see, depression's like a long, dark well
And when circumstances push her out on that ledge
It only takes one tiny nudge
One #FF0080 ">cross, one dirty look, one little perceived wrong
To send her down, down, tumbling along
That dark, friendless path, where no light appears
And you wonder #FF0080 ">if your teasing
Has moved her to tears?

#FF0080 ">The change in the rhyming pattern on the first stanza to the second stanza seems kind of awkward to read. Because of the rhyming pattern in the first stanza, I expected something to rhyme with "tell" at the end of the second line (in the second stanza) but it didn't. It was just kind of awkward to read.

It's not just the teasing.
There's so, so much more #FF0080 ">I think the repetition of "so" adds an awkward syllable amount to this line
That worries her, frightens her, causes her grief.
So just remember that before
You, when in teasing, open your mouth to speak.
Hold your tongue, listen well, and I'm sure you'll see then
This girl may come to regard you
As her dearest of friends. #FF0080 ">I think you need an additional syllable somewhere in the last line, it feels too short

It's not just the teasing,
There's so much more
That worries her, frightens her, causes her grief.
So just remember that before
You open your mouth to speak;
Hold your tongue, listen well and I'm sure you'll see then
This girl may come to regard you
As her truly dearest of friends.

How can you not see the pain?
For me, it's obvious as the rain
That pounds on the #FF0000 ">roog #FF0000 ">Roof, on the house, on the door,
For me, pain is so often more
Obvious than the beating rain.
So tell me, why can't you see the pain?

Why does it seem so hard for you to be able to tell
When a girl is teetering on the edge?
You see, depression's like a long, dark well #FF0000 ">Comma
And when circumstances push her out on that ledge
It only takes one tiny nudge
One crosss, one dirty look, one little perceived wrong
To send her down, down, tumbling along
That dark, friendless path, where no light appears
And you wonder you teasing #FF0000 ">And you wonder you teasing? I think you meant your teasing.
Has moved her to tears?

It's not just the teasing.
There's so, so much more
That worries her, frightens her, causes her grief.
So just remember that before
You, when in teasing, open your mouth to speak. #FF0000 ">Comma instead of period.
Hold your tongue, listen well, and I'm sure you'll see then
This girl may come to regard you
As her dearest of friends.