z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

the protector [i was not]

by fatherfig



i told you to stop talking too much
i said the noises you made were
annoying and maybe they were
childish but you were a child

i was caught up in growing up so much
i used my energy to grow you up too
i used my stress to stress you as well
and that was cruel of me i may never
be able to apologize im that guilty

the words hurt so much in my head
my voice my stops my larynx may rip
at trying to push them out

because you see the world broke my childhood
but i was the one who broke you
and now all i want so badly

is to unquiet you
to convince you
you arent annoying
to heal that anxiety
i must have created
because it wasnt there
before

when \ you were only a child
i was / so afraid of the world
desc\ending and hurting you
like it/ \ hurt me that i hurt you
first/that\ is the pain i bear
\when you\ sleep soundly
b/eside me / these are the tears
i quiet when you toss in slumber
i hurt you thinking i could save you
i was harsh thinking you understood
but i was the cruel enforcer and
you were the wide eyed child
who wanted to be loved
just as they were

I shattered you.



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User avatar
7 Reviews

Points: 367
Reviews: 7

Donate
Tue Feb 06, 2024 1:41 pm
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R33SES wrote a review...



Hey FatherFig!! Reese here for a review!

INTRODUCTION:

Spoiler! :
Wow.......I always say that the best songs/poems are ones that speak a simple concept with complicated words, or show a very deep concept but with the simplest of words. Obvious which you have here! And deep you went!


As someone that chooses to think intensely about even the most random and seemingly pointless topics, the truthful situation you have painted here is both something I have dealt with, as well as one I have mulled around in my mind for countless hours.

What is it to protect? Why does the role of protector seem to be thrust upon us? Why are we always so unprepared for the task at hand?

Poems written in the spoken word format are hard to critique in terms of formatting and language, as it's less about how you say it and more about what you have to say AND mostly about what those things mean. Personally, I don't much care for it because it tends to be very lacking in.....color, unless it's something that causes the mind and heart to react, which yours has!

On a realistic note, I do very much appreciate the story you tell, start to finish, both painting a vivid image of the emotion being experienced for those that can empathize or associate, as well as providing some closure to the entire thing when you admit defeat at the end.

Did you truly fail in your tasked role as protector? Or perhaps, was it that another shirked their duty, forcing it upon you, who also was in need of protecting...? Oh I could address this topic for days and days and days, especially when it comes to children and their ultimate need for protection from the cruel world they are dumped into.

My only question about the writing style: why the random forward/back slashes? Do they have meaning?


Thanks for letting me read your work! Feel free to reply with any notes or explanations, I love to learn about why you write what you write!

Always your muse,
Reese




fatherfig says...


i see you already have posted it as a review! Ah good! thank you for the thoughtful review- the slashes are supposed to make the second to last stanza resemble a broken vase!



User avatar
6 Reviews

Points: 106
Reviews: 6

Donate
Mon Feb 05, 2024 10:26 pm
View Likes
berrie wrote a review...



Hello!! My name is Berrie! I wanted to stop by and leave a review on your poem.

Initial thoughts: This piece was so raw and heartfelt. I understood the emotions being portrayed to the reader immediately and it really pulled me in. The narrator appears to be a sibling, parent, or some sort of older family member, lamenting the fact that they let their own insecurities affect the upbringing of a younger relative without considering their feelings until it was too late and the damage had been done.

Some analysis:

"i told you to stop talking too much
i said the noises you made were
annoying and maybe they were
childish but you were a child"


- The narrator had scolded this child many times for being annoying or loud, even though that's what children do.
- They didn't realize that they were just projecting their fears of being seen as annoying onto this child until now, and are coming to terms with the fact that this could've caused irreparable damage.

"i was caught up in growing up so much
i used my energy to grow you up too
i used my stress to stress you as well
and that was cruel of me i may never
be able to apologize im that guilty"


- The narrator inadvertently ended up pushing their stress and anxiety onto this child.
- They don't know how to apologize for the amount of damage that they caused, but are at least acknowledging it.

because you see the world broke my childhood
but i was the one who broke you
and now all i want so badly

is to unquiet you
to convince you
you arent annoying
to heal that anxiety
i must have created
because it wasnt there
before"


This poem seems to be about generational trauma and an insecure parent regretting the way that they passed on their pain to their child. As someone who's seen this happening in real time, this poem was very meaningful for me. The idea of a parent or guardian eventually admitting the damage that they caused is extremely nuanced and meaningful.
I loved the way that the sentences began to break as the narrator began describing the way that their own brokenness affected their child. It felt like their despair and desperation were bleeding through into their words and disrupting the poem.

I really loved this work and it definitely rang true to me. Thank you for writing and posting it! Have a great day/night, wherever you are!

- Berrie




fatherfig says...


The narrator is an older sibling healing from generational trauma, but the rest still holds true! Thank you for your review! What do you think about the appearance of the piece, does it hold any emotional value? Can you tell whet the second to last and last stanza are hinting at image wise?



R33SES says...


Hey FatherFig!! Reese here for a review!

INTRODUCTION:
Spoiler! :
Wow.......I always say that the best songs/poems are ones that speak a simple concept with complicated words, or show a very deep concept but with the simplest of words. Obvious which you have here! And deep you went!


As someone that chooses to think intensely about even the most random and seemingly pointless topics, the truthful situation you have painted here is both something I have dealt with, as well as one I have mulled around in my mind for countless hours.

What is it to protect? Why does the role of protector seem to be thrust upon us? Why are we always so unprepared for the task at hand?

Poems written in the spoken word format are hard to critique in terms of formatting and language, as it's less about how you say it and more about what you have to say AND mostly about what those things mean. Personally, I don't much care for it because it tends to be very lacking in.....color, unless it's something that causes the mind and heart to react, which yours has!

On a realistic note, I do very much appreciate the story you tell, start to finish, both painting a vivid image of the emotion being experienced for those that can empathize or associate, as well as providing some closure to the entire thing when you admit defeat at the end.

Did you truly fail in your tasked role as protector? Or perhaps, was it that another shirked their duty, forcing it upon you, who also was in need of protecting...? Oh I could address this topic for days and days and days, especially when it comes to children and their ultimate need for protection from the cruel world they are dumped into.

My only question about the writing style: why the random forward/back slashes? Do they have meaning?


Thanks for letting me read your work! Feel free to reply with any notes or explanations, I love to learn about why you write what you write!

Always your muse,
Reese



R33SES says...


Did not mean to post my review as a reply, haha, my bad!



fatherfig says...


you can repost this as a review its clear you put thought into and you deserve points for it <3 the forward/backward slashes are supposed to look like cracks in a vase! thanks for asking <3




Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe.
— John Milton (Poet)