Young Writers Society

Hi! I like your idea for this poem but I think it's a little difficult to follow. If you could separate the two voices more clearly, I think that would be good. Maybe you could make each voice's turn a little longer and separate them into stanzas, or make them like letters to each other or something. I don't know, just something to make it a bit clearer. Also, some of your lines are pretty long and they interrupt the flow a bit. But apart from that, a good concept. Nice work.

There is some really strong and great emotion in this piece. Really enjoyed reading it!

Here are just my comments and suggestions:

I hate you. #FF0000 ">Good way to get the reader interested.
I’d be offended if that wasn’t mutual.
Your eyes are cold, your heart is non-existent.
And you’re the direct opposite; annoyingly optimistic.
You don’t feel, you shut everybody out.
Can you blame me? You get hurt all the time by letting them in. #FF0000 ">I think this line should be shortened a little, just to keep the flow.
There’s nothing wrong with that.
There’s everything wrong with that. Pain, disappointment, need I go on?
Love, laughter, general happiness-
Oh please, spare me your naïve hippie wiles.
You’d feel the same if everything wasn’t a game to you. Must you always win?
Of course I must, of course I must, I do not like to lose.
Isn’t it more about just being in the game?
No it’s not. That’s just what the losers say to make themselves feel better. #FF0000 ">I think it would sound better is you got rid of that last part
I feel sorry for you, unfeeling, narcissistic bitch.
Ha! Is this the part I pretend your words hurt me? #FF0000 ">Love this line! However, there is something about the flow that seems off/odd. Not too sure what it is. Maybe just try rephrasing.
I know they do, remember I’m you too.
And if you are then you’re a bitch too.
I hate you.
I don’t blame you. If I were you I’d hate me too.
But I am. But I don’t want to be.
But you are and I’m all you’ll ever be. #FF0000 ">Loved your ending!

I really like the idea of a poem based on fighting your own inner battles. I can relate to this because this is what the inside of my own head can sound like a lot of times. 0_o There's always two sides to everybody. And we're pretty much the only ones ourselves who can visualize the battles that go on inside our heads.

There were a few little mistakes I caught. I'll just quickly go through and point them out to you.

NafeCT wrote:I hate you.
I’d be offended if that wasn’t mutual. #BF0000 ">(wasn't should be weren't)
Your eyes are cold, your heart is non-existent.
And you’re the direct#BF0000 ">(Would sound better if you made it "exact") opposite; annoyingly optimistic.
You don’t feel, you shut every#BF0000 ">one out.
Can you blame me? You get hurt all the time by letting them in.
There’s nothing wrong with that.
There’s everything wrong with that. Pain, disappointment, need I go on?
Love, laughter, general happiness-
Oh please, spare me your naïve hippie wiles.
You’d feel the same if everything wasn’t#BF0000 ">(weren't) a game to you. Must you always win?
Of course I must, of course I must#BF0000 ">(.) I do not like to lose.
Isn’t it more about just being in the game?
No#BF0000 ">(,) it’s not. That’s just what the losers say to make themselves feel better.
I feel sorry for you, unfeeling, narcissistic bitch.
Ha! Is this the part #BF0000 ">[where] I pretend your words hurt me?
I know they do, remember I’m you#BF0000 ">(,) too.
And if you are then you’re a bitch#BF0000 ">(,) too.
I hate you.
I don’t blame you. If I were you I’d hate me#BF0000 ">(,) too.
But I am. But I don’t want to be.
But you are#BF0000 ">(,) and I’m all you’ll ever be.

The last two lines pretty much blew me away. Despite the inward conflict, the last line unites, makes sense, and has quite a deep meaning. I liked those two lines quite a bit.

Occasionally this felt more like a dialogue story than a poem, considering the back-and-forth, but perhaps that's just me reading it oddly.

I did rather like this. The inner conflict and emotion was both real and interesting. You have a good handle on the optimistic voice as well as the self-deprecating pessimistic voice. Overall, well done, there's not really much you could do to make this better.

I liked this poem. I liked how it showed conflict within the person. Also, some of the lines in there were really deep, especially the lines at the end. Anyways, this poem was really good. And I have to say, the title was what drew me in. Nice job!

I liked this. But I think you need to space the sentances a bit more, to make it easier to read. I liked how the feelings were back and forth; that's ofen how it is with me, having MPD and all. But anyways, good job,